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Me: Cat, I was actually trying to quilt this –

 Cat: OMG LOOK WHAT YOU MADE FOR ME 

Watson Corbyn

BREAKING: Jeremy Corbyn is “going to live on a lovely big farm with lots of room to run around and plenty of nice people to play with,” Tom Watson has told the Parliamentary Labour Party.

“Of course we all love Jeremy,” Watson explained, “but we all know he hasn’t been happy here for a while now, and we have to think about what’s best for him. So I’ve arranged to have him sent straight off to his new home on the farm. Really nice farm. Nicest farm in the country – no, I’m not crying. Why would I be crying? I’m really happy for Jeremy. This is definitely the best thing. Definitely.”

Watson then left the podium, claiming he “had got something in his eye” and joined a man with a kind smile and a large syringe waiting in the wings.

Watson was later heard sobbing loudly into his handkerchief and declaring that Corbyn “had always been so full of life” and “no-one can ever take his place”, before commencing a frantic search on Politicians4Homes.

Today, we woke up to the referendum results. 52% of us said we should leave; 48% said we should stay; so we’re leaving, because that’s exactly how democracy is meant to work. I was one of the 48%, so it’s safe to say this isn’t the very greatest day of my life so far. So I thought I’d go to IKEA, because I’m basically quite shallow and looking at stuff with funny names and buying things I never knew I wanted makes me feel better about the world.

Unfortunately, everything they are selling today is horrific. Some examples:

This heap of dead rabbits:

Bright eyes, burning like fire

Bright eyes, burning like fire

This vat of slaughtered piglets:

Somehow rendered worse by the perspex sides

Somehow rendered worse by the perspex sides

This bin full of rats:

EWWWW

EWWWW

This child-sized cabin-bed (with integral night-time boogeyman):

IMG_2381

IMG_2382

This headless armless dummy dressed in a blue strait-jacket that wants to sell you an apron:

IMG_2383

This surgical experiment combining a frilly blue fish with a human eyeball:

IMG_2384

It gets worse the closer you get

The closer you get, the worse it becomes

This giant-sized photo of a leather vagina:

IMG_2386

This man who regrets his robotic hands:

IMG_2388

This woman being eaten by her own skirt:

IMG_2389

Finally, this psychotic bookcase coming to crush the other bookcase while the lamp and sofa look on helplessly:

IMG_2390

But hey, the Swedish word for “biscuit” still appears to be “kaka”! So that’s still fun.

IMG_2391

IMG_2351

MY HOUSE, INT, DAY. I AM IN THE LIVING-ROOM, GETTING SOME WORK DONE. OUTSIDE, THE SUN IS SHINING.

Stripeycat: I need you to open the door.

Me: The door’s already open.

Stripeycat: No, the other door. I need you to open the other door.

Me: You want me to open the front door?

Stripeycat: I do.

Me: Even though the back door is already open?

Stripeycat: That’s right.

Me: And you know that the front door and the back door both open onto the garden?

Stripeycat: Yaas.

Me: So you’re going out of the front door. Not the open back door. Or the open downstairs window. But the front door. Which is closed. So you need me to open it.

Stripeycat: Your point being?

Me: No point really. Just checking. There you go.

Stripeycat: ‘kaythanksbye, I’ll bring you back a dead mouse!

Me: No thanks, I really don’t want a –

STRIPEYCAT LEAPS ACROSS GARDEN AND IMMEDIATELY RETURNS TO HOUSE THROUGH OPEN BACK DOOR

Knob shop

When you go to the Knob Shop and come home with four knobs

Metropolitan Police Commander Lucy D'Orsi meeting the Queen during a Buckingham Palace Garden party

Metropolitan Police Commander Lucy D’Orsi meeting the Queen during a Buckingham Palace Garden party

D of E: Hey Liz at the party shall I do you and you do me
Her Maj: Sure why not
D of E: Got the idea off Cammo and Boris

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-36263685

  
When the cat licks the

Cheese, you *could* throw it out, or

Simply label it. 

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