Archive for September, 2013

apostrophe fail

Dear Mr or Ms Magi Pics,

See this picture? This is a screen-shot of your Magi Pics Stationery Studio TV advert.

You will please note that the text written on this bookmark reads, “YOUR SWEET!”

Unless the dough component of this product is genuinely meant to be a sweet (as in, “This is your sweet! I am giving it to you because I am your friend and I like you! Now please put it in your mouth and eat it!”) it looks like very much you’ve failed to correctly distinguish between YOUR and YOU’RE.

This makes me sad and angry. In fact, it makes me want to come round to YOUR house and jab you very hard in the face with a pointy stick until YOU’RE begging for mercy.

Obviously, I won’t come round to YOUR house and jab you with a pointy stick until YOU’RE begging for mercy, because I am an adult. However, YOU’RE also an adult and I think it’s reasonable to expect you to be able to use YOUR words.

Specifically, I think you should be reliably able to tell the difference between YOUR (the possessive adjective) and YOU’RE (the contraction of “YOU ARE”).

For future reference, here’s a simple test so you can make sure YOU’RE getting YOUR spelling right in future:

If you can replace the word with the phrase, “You are” (for example, “YOU’RE frightening with me with the venom you have unleashed upon me for my admittedly quite high-profile bad spelling incident”), you want the word YOU’RE.

If you can’t do this (for example, “I can’t quite believe how much of YOUR time and mine you have spent on this. Please never ever talk to me again”) then you want the word YOUR.

YOU’RE welcome,


PS In the body copy of YOUR website, you have also confused “STATIONERY” (the products and materials associated with the act of writing) with “STATIONARY” (the property of being immobile).

Again, YOU’RE welcome.

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World's most tragic McDonald's toy

1. Unwrap toy

2. Blow air into toy

3. Contemplate the pointlessness of all human existence

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The Summer We All Ran Away

Lovely people! “The Summer We All Ran Away” is on the Kindle Daily Deal today (14th September) – so if you have a Kindle and would like to buy my book, this is your moment…

If you’d like to read more about my book (or about any of the other books from my brilliant publishers Legend Press), you can visit the Legend Press blog to read more.

2PM UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who’s taken advantage of the Kindle Daily Deal price – “The Summer We All Ran Away” is currently in the Kindle Top 100, hooray! If you haven’t already bought and you’d like to, the Daily Deal Price will last until Midnight tonight.

5PM UPDATE: I am at Number 5!

Since it’s quite conceivable this will never happen to me again, I’ve taken a screenshot to record the moment –

The Summer We All Ran Away Top 5 Kindle store

Huge, giant thank you to all the lovely people who’ve bought my book today. I really hope you enjoy it.

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Dear Shycat,

You are very cute. But you are not going to fit inside my boot. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to cram your fluffy self in there. There is simply too much cat to get into a size 6 mid-calf Doc Marten. Also, you are entirely the wrong shape.

Rihanna Doc Marten 1

Just so we’re totally clear on this one:

– Left boot vs right boot will not make a difference
– Pawing at the zip will not make a difference
– Walking away and coming back two seconds later will not make a difference
– Taking your head out, turning around three times, then coming back to try again will not make a difference
– None of this is my fault

Rihanna Doc Marten 4

Rihanna Doc Marten 2

Please find something else to occupy your morning.

Dear Bossycat,

Shycat is not trying to get into my boot because I have put some treats in it for her and not for you. She is trying to get into my boot because she is insane.

Fran on table

Please stop trying to kill her over treats that do not exist and go back to staring out the window and yelling about how you are somehow going to kill all the pigeons on next door’s ridgepole.

Rihanna in a bag Fran has rage because Rihanna is in a bag

Yours sincerely,

Your Owner
(Rather frazzled)
(And late for many, many deadlines)
(And yes, very aware of the irony of taking time out of a frantic schedule to pointlessly blog about her cats)
(Just kill me now)
(It’s probably kinder)

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