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Posts Tagged ‘conversations with cats’


Me: Cat, I was actually trying to quilt this –

 Cat: OMG LOOK WHAT YOU MADE FOR ME 

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Because really, the internet can never contain enough cat-related content.

MY HOUSE, INT, DAY. I AM TRYING TO DO SOME WORK. SHYCAT AND BOSSYCAT HAVE JUST DISCOVERED IT HAS SNOWED.

(BOSSYCAT RUSHES IN)

BOSSYCAT: Snow. Snow? Snow. Snow! Snow. Snow. Snoooow. Snow! It’s snowed. It’s snowed!

(BOSSYCAT RUSHES OUT AGAIN. SHYCAT SLINKS PITIFULLY IN)

SHYCAT: Something’s happened outside and it makes me feel like cowering under a chair.

(BOSSYCAT RUSHES IN AGAIN)

BOSSYCAT: Snow! Snow! It’s snowed! OMG you have to come and see this! It’s snowed!

ME: Yes, I know. It’s snowed. I hear you. Very exciting. Can I do some work now?

BOSSYCAT: Snow! Come and look! Snow! Snow! SNOW! Are you getting it yet? COME AND LOOK RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS IT HAS SNOWED AND IT IS AWESOME

(BOSSYCAT LEADS THE WAY TO THE BACK DOOR. EVERYONE CONTEMPLATES THE SNOW)

SHYCAT: The snow makes me sad.

BOSSYCAT: (RUSHING IN AND OUT OF THE DOOR) Look at the SNOW. It’s so AWESOME. This is so cool! I will now attack Shycat for no reason.

SHYCAT: I think the snow must be because my owners don’t love me any more.

BOSSYCAT: Does the snow mean it’s okay for me to hurk cat biscuits all over the floor?

ME: No it does not.

BOSSYCAT: I knew you’d be okay with it so I already did it.

ME: Oh for the love of –

(BOSSYCAT RUSHES INTO THE GARDEN AND KILLS THE SNOW. I TRY TO STROKE SHYCAT. SHYCAT CRINGES AWAY.)

SHYCAT: Does the snow have something to do with cat-boxes?

ME: Shycat, stop it. The cat-boxes are still in the shed. We’re not going anywhere today. Okay?

SHYCAT: YOU SAID CAT BOXES. I am not going to let you stroke me today because I think you are planning something evil.

(BOSSYCAT BOUNCES IN AGAIN)

BOSSYCAT: Hey, look, someone left cat-vomit on the floor.

SHYCAT: Perhaps if I sit under the garden table and let the snow drip onto my head my owners will love me again.

BOSSYCAT: Yay, AMBUSH!

SHYCAT: Having you chew my ears is the only thing that could make me sadder than I already am. I need to go off to the end of the garden now to sit in a draught and freeze to death.

BOSSYCAT: This is the most awesome thing I ever saw. That cat vomit really smells. You should clean it up.

SHYCAT: Although I am sad, I am also aware of how beautiful my glossy black fur looks against the pristine whiteness of the snow.

BOSSYCAT: (sniffing underneath the trampoline) I’m sure I left a dead bird carcass here a few weeks ago.

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