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Posts Tagged ‘ikea leeds’

Today, we woke up to the referendum results. 52% of us said we should leave; 48% said we should stay; so we’re leaving, because that’s exactly how democracy is meant to work. I was one of the 48%, so it’s safe to say this isn’t the very greatest day of my life so far. So I thought I’d go to IKEA, because I’m basically quite shallow and looking at stuff with funny names and buying things I never knew I wanted makes me feel better about the world.

Unfortunately, everything they are selling today is horrific. Some examples:

This heap of dead rabbits:

Bright eyes, burning like fire

Bright eyes, burning like fire

This vat of slaughtered piglets:

Somehow rendered worse by the perspex sides

Somehow rendered worse by the perspex sides

This bin full of rats:

EWWWW

EWWWW

This child-sized cabin-bed (with integral night-time boogeyman):

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This headless armless dummy dressed in a blue strait-jacket that wants to sell you an apron:

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This surgical experiment combining a frilly blue fish with a human eyeball:

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It gets worse the closer you get

The closer you get, the worse it becomes

This giant-sized photo of a leather vagina:

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This man who regrets his robotic hands:

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This woman being eaten by her own skirt:

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Finally, this psychotic bookcase coming to crush the other bookcase while the lamp and sofa look on helplessly:

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But hey, the Swedish word for “biscuit” still appears to be “kaka”! So that’s still fun.

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So, I know it’s a bit lazy to laugh at stuff in IKEA. Spotting homophones for words that English people find rude isn’t big or clever. If the word for a bookcase in Swedish happens to be Künt or Orshøl – well, for all I know, the word “bookcase” is simply hilarious in Sweden, but because they have better things to do with their time, they’re not going to bother making a big deal about it.

But I do think this one is sort of worth it. The kids and I were wandering through IKEA’s toy section this afternoon (the back-story involves plates, and is boring) and we came across…this.

There’s only one way to interpret this. It’s quite clearly a bin full of rats.

I always find IKEA soft toys a little bit sinister. They’re always a bit closer to taxidermy than I’d really like. Also, they often have tragic expressions, as if they contain the trapped souls of  their real-life equivalents.

But, come on now. A bin full of rats?

It’s no nicer in close-up. The rats lie there, limp and pathetic, piled in on top of each other like…erm…well, frankly, like a whole bunch of rats all piled into a bin.

When I did A-level Biology, we each had our own Dissection Rat. It took us all of the Autumn term to reduce them to their component parts. When they weren’t being inexpertly taken apart by sixth-formers, they had a big cool-box to hibernate in. That cool-box looked a little bit like this rat-bin.

Even their faces are scary. They have small ratty eyes and big sticky-out rat teeth. They know they are unloveable. This bin is the best fate they can ever hope for.

I also found the most fantastically self-regarding book I’ve ever seen in my life – it’s called “Billy”, and it’s a history of the late twentieth century, seen through the unexpected prism of the IKEA Billy bookshelf. On a normal day  it would make an entire post all in its own right. I have a couple of pictures of this, too:

But today was all about the rat-bin. The rat-bin is brilliant. There is a twisted genius at work in the IKEA Merchandising department. All hail the rat-bin.

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