You know how sometimes you’re walking through a garden centre and you see a garden ornament in the shape of, for example, a Meerkat dressed in a Fireman’s coat and helmet? And you stop and look at it for a minute, and wonder what on earth would make anyone buy it?
And then you decide you’re being really uncharitable, because it would be am awfully dull world if we all liked the same stuff? And after all, who’s to say there’s anything objectively wrong with wanting to have a garden ornament in the shape of a Meerkat dressed as a fireman, but only from the waist upwards – leaving its tail and haunches entirely naked and bare?
And then sometimes, you see a garden ornament, and you’re all like –
Truly. Who is there, on this entire frickin’ planet, who would ever, EVER want to own a stone which can unzip a massive scary eyeball so it can look at you from behind the begonias?
Just in case you thought this might just be some strange, one-off buying error – like the time I accidentally bought a bright orange batwing jumper made out of nylon wool, under the temporary delusion that it was a brilliantly fashion-forward choice that would win me great kudos at the school disco – there are an entire fixture of these things.
Really. A huge, three-tier rack of disturbingly realistic eyeball stones. Staring out at us from between their unzipped eyelids.
But hey, it’s only an eyeball, right? These stones can look at us, which is certainly pretty awful; but they can’t actually do anything to hurt us. It’s not as if they can unzip a gigantic mouth full of disturbingly white and well-formed –
– teeth.
Fuck.
I think we’ve been focusing too hard on the zombiepocalypse, and not looking closely enough at the rockpoccalypse.
Heidi, I fear you may be right. We need to widen our field of paranoia from mere meat-based organisms to other, more dangerous forms…
Don’t forget to include the type of crazies who those things are aimed at.
Mimi, if I ever, ever, EVER see anyone buying one of these monstrosities, I will follow them home, stake them through the heart and bury them at a lonely crossroads at midnight. 😉
I’m scared, frankly!
Is it wrong that I LOVE those rocks! hehe, I would put them in my garden!! ;D
While I’m here I just wanted to award you the Versatile Blogger award – http://showard76.wordpress.com/2012/02/12/row80-2012-check-in-and-versatile-blog-award/
OMG, how I have laughed
I just saw this – thank you – that’s so lovely of you! For some reason WordPress had decided to put it in my Spam filter.
Thank you again for the award – I’m really looking forward to paying it forward. 🙂
Please where can I get these I love them xx I live in hertfordshire x Julie x
Hi Julie,
Unfortunately the only place I know of where they can be bought is Langlands Garden Centre! Their website is langlands-nurseries.co.uk. If you get in touch they may be able to help you.
But personally I suspect them of being possessed.
These will be the only survivors when the Mayan calendar ends this year!! too bad they didn’t have one that unzipped at the top and showed brain matter. Wait!! Maybe I can fill a niche market with that idea!