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Posts Tagged ‘trago mills’

In today’s ruthless Retailing climate, no-one can afford to expend valuable energy on inflating balls for people who aren’t actually all that committed to buying one:

I can’t be sure, but I think this toy is designed to terrify children about the consequences of putting plastic bags over their heads:

Looks like his friend has arrived too late:

NB these are all the toys in this box set. There are no happy faces in this version of reality.

My First Catastrophic Cerebral Event:

You can mock, but it’s so popular they need a range:

My First Human-Rights-Violation Protest.

By the way, this doll was made in China.

This is getting depressing, isn’t it? Let’s try and find something more fun to talk about!

How about a nice family board game?

“But Dad, it’s not fair, I wanted to collect the decaying human body-parts from the bag floating in the Thames!”

For the record, all of these toys were photographed in a single visit to the Trago Mills Multi-level Emporium in Falmouth – surely the finest retail outlet anywhere in the British Isles. For more Trago Mills magnificence, click here , here, here and here. Go on. You know you want to.

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I don’t blame them.

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"Especially for the paint. Paint makes us very, very nervous."

“You WILL use a basket. At ALL TIMES. This is how shopping works in our country. No go away and shop. QUIETLY. And don’t make a mess.

“And is it too much to ask that you stay away from the paint? Paint makes us very, very nervous.”

“Hang on – wait a – what the hell are you DOING? Are you using that basket to take stuff TO YOUR CAR? Your car that’s OUTSIDE THE STORE? What the hell are you THINKING? I mean, my God, those things aren’t free, you know?

“Look, it’s really simple, okay? While you’re IN the store, you use a basket. We’ve seen what you people can do with your hands when you’re bored. Frankly, it makes us sad and angry. We’re all much more comfortable when your hands are where we can see them. But as soon as you step OUTSIDE the store, you stop using the basket. These babies are made of the finest low-grade plastic money can buy. Exposure to UV-radiation can cause serious damage. Or maybe they sparkle in the sunlight. We’ve never actually tried it.

“So anyway, that’s why the second you leave the store, our baskets instantly transition from Compulsory to Verboten. You know what? I really enjoyed our little chat. Have a great day!”

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These pictures were taken at Trago Mills department store in Falmouth, Cornwall. Trago Mills is a magnificent store and I will be going on about it quite a lot over the next few weeks.

Sign at the bottom of the main staircase:

"Frankly, if it was up to me, we wouldn't stock the stuff in the first place."

Sign at the bottom of the back staircase:

"And don't you give me any of that 'sealed-tin-you-need-a-screwdriver-to-lever-the-lid-off' crap. What happens if one of you idiots decides to check if the new three-piece suite you're considering will match the paint you just bought? I mean, have you even considered that possibility? I thought not."

Sign in the (incidentally, quite terrifying) customer lift:

"What do you want all this paint for, anyway? Why can't you just be happy with wallpaper? What the hell's wrong with you people?"

Sign halfway up the staircase leading from the DIY section to the outside world:

"...on pain of death by drowning in your own vat of that wicked and decadent substance you humans call "paint", which you, foolish mortal, imagined you could smuggle past our crack team of Stair-Wardens who prowl every inch of our store precisely to keep the world safe from people like you. We warned you, so we're allowed to do it."

NB their paint department is in the basement.

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