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Because A Good Zombie Plan Is An Important Part Of Anyone’s Education.

(This is a verbatim cut-and-paste from my friend’s Facebook feed. She is a Maths teacher. She also regularly makes cookies for her class, which all by itself makes her the official Best Teacher Ever. The fact that she’s also encouraging them to work on their Zombie Plan is just the cherry on top.)

Dear Zombiepocalypse Expert,

Today I was asked what my zombie plan was by my pupils! I promptly came out with the hot air balloon discreetly hidden away for said zombie outbreak. They replied they would be going straight to b&q where the nail guns & other such tool weapons things are to hide out. I wonder if a short stay at a b&q maybe should be incorporated into our strategy?

Dear Fellow Zombie Planner,
It’s good that they’re planning for the Zombiepocalypse, but I’m a bit worried that they’re expecting to take down Zombies with a nail-gun. Zombies are pretty well impervious to physical pain, and a nail-gun won’t do anything like the kind of wholesale damage that’s really needed to stop one in its tracks. I suppose if they got incredibly lucky they *might* manage to fire a nail right through the brain-stem. However, given the relative fire-power of your average nail-gun, as well as the distance it would have to travel through undead flesh to actually reach the hind-brain, the Zombie would need to be so close that it might be too late for this to actually be any use.

A trip to B&Q is certainly not a bad idea – they have useful supplies of wood, glue and so on, which would be useful for the construction of temporary shelters and barricades – but if they’re eyeing up anything from the Tool department, they might want to give some thought to chain-saws. Admittedly these are pretty high-risk weapons (very noisy, which tends to attract other Zombies, and also somewhat unpredictable in use; also suffer from the Proximity Problem), but in a relatively non-gun-owning country, I guess you have to improvise a little.

Perhaps one to introduce over cookies?

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