Posts Tagged ‘love fish but afraid of spiders’

Top Ten Ways I Desperately Wanted This Flier To End

10. “Then you’re eligible to join the Pescaphile-Arachnaphobe Club – an exclusive new networking opportunity for the discerning business person. Membership only $99 per annum.”

9. “If this sounds like you, then why not consider moving to the ocean floor on a permanent basis? Plots for the first phase of our astounding Ocean Floor project are now available…”

8. “At last, we have found Mr Bond’s fatal weakness. Oddjob, drain the shark-tank and order some arachnids.”

7. “Then tune in to Catfish vs Tarantulas on Discovery Channel Extra and see those ghastly, leggy bastards finally get what’s coming to them.”

6. “So how come you all like Spiderman sooooo much better than Aquaman, huh? Huh? Huh?

5. “Don’t worry. Spiders and Fish are almost never found in the same environment. So remember kids – if you can see a Fish, you definitely can’t be attacked by a Spider. Unless it’s a River Spider. But they’re kind of rare. So, yeah: if you can see a Fish, you almost certainly can’t be attacked by a Spider. ‘kay?”

4. “Thank goodness! You are definitely a member of the human race and have not yet been replaced by our evil Alien Overlords. But remember – Alien Replacement can happen to anyone, at any time. Only by CONSTANT VIGILANCE will humanity remain pure! HAVE YOU FISH-AND-SPIDER-CHECKED YOUR LOVED ONES TODAY?”

3. “Then be sure to put our novelty fish-shaped Spider-whacker at the top of your Christmas list! Available in Colin Codfish, Trudy Trout and Penelope Potato-Grouper options.”

2. “Then you’ll either love or hate our new FISH-SPIDER – the pet sensation that’s sweeping the nation!”

1. “However unbelievably stupid your dating criteria, at http://www.oddlypicky.com, we GUARANTEE to find your perfect mate.”

And the disappointing truth:


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