LOVEHONEY OFFICES, INT, DAY. SOMEWHERE IN BATH, ENGLAND. WORKER A and WORKER B are discussing an proposed new product.
WORKER A: So, things are going pretty well here. We’ve really connected with our core audience of grown-ups looking for some fun. In fact, we’re doing so well we’re regularly mentioned on Mumsnet.
WORKER B: Really? That parenting forum?
WORKER A: Yep. Turns out all those journos who thought mothers only discovered sex when Fifty Shades of Grey was published were completely barking up the wrong tree. You should check out some of their Friday night threads, sheesh!
WORKER B: So we’ve created a line of sex-toys that people are happy to talk about and recommend on a public parenting forum? Hey, that’s pretty cool.
WORKER A: I know, right? How about we ruin it by launching something really crass and stupid, that insults people in relationships, and people who are single, and people who enjoy sex with their partner, and people who just want to make wanking a bit more entertaining, and women, and men, and everyone everywhere?
WORKER B: (is speechless)
WORKER A: Look, check it out.
WORKER B: I’m sorry, what?
WORKER A: I’ve been doing my research, right, and I’ve discovered that eighty-six per cent of straight single men are, like, really, really, really keen on beer, and vaginas.
WORKER B: Beer…and…vaginas.
WORKER A: (happy) Yep – beer and vaginas. So I thought, why not put them together and create a product that’s not really like either of those two things?
WORKER B: Well, I can think of about a million –
WORKER A: (interrupting) It’ll be a winner, I’m telling you! Look at this thing! A fake vagina disguised as a beer-can! It’s genius.
WORKER B: It’s certainly some kind of a thing.
WORKER A: You know what I like most about it?
WORKER B: Is it how the makers have included a token illustration of the clitoris, in a surreal attempt to make it look like this is somehow meant to replicate the experience of sex with a woman? Because if it’s not, then I’m really struggling to guess.
WORKER A: Now you mention it, that is pretty great, but actually – it’s how discreet it is.
WORKER B: (surprised) Um – sorry?
WORKER A: Because it’s disguised as a beer-can, no-one ever needs to know that you own a fake vagina!
WORKER B: Yes, that’s certainly an advantage.
WORKER A: (looks pleased)
WORKER B: Except that – forgive me for pointing this out – there isn’t actually a brand of beer called ‘Lady Lager’.
WORKER A: Okay, that’s true, but –
WORKER B: And if you keep it in your fridge, there’s a significant danger that someone might try to drink it.
WORKER A: Can you please stop being so negative?
WORKER B: And if you don’t keep it in the fridge, there’s a danger people will wonder why on earth you’re keeping a can of beer on the top shelf of your closet.
WORKER A: Yeah, but come on, if someone walked in on you while you were using it, you could –
WORKER B: I could do what, exactly? ‘Oh, hi, honey, I’m just sitting here drinking a can of beer, only with my erect penis inexplicably on display’? ‘Get a grip, buddy, of course I’m not using a sex-toy, I’ve just shoved my cock into a beer-can‘? How does this product not raise far more issues than it answers?
WORKER A: It…has a variable speed control.
WORKER B: It’s an abomination.
WORKER A: It’s going to be a best-seller.
WORKER B: Yeah, I know.
WORKER A: (starry-eyed) We have the best jobs on the planet.
WORKER B: (wretched) I actually want to die.