Trouble In Paradise
So, when we last saw Elena, she was flouncing around the school after dark, making some sort of corpse-based decoration with her friends and being accosted by a dude with black eyes and a mocking manner who managed to make her forget Stefan’s existence. And I thought that once you’d had your over-reacting lust-at-first-sight moment and done the rape-rescue thing it was automatically true love 4 eva! But no; apparently even though they are, like, totally destined for each other and have been for at least the last four hundred years or so, Elena and Stefan still have a few issues they need to work on.
Like the fact that literally the only thing Elena likes about Stefan is that he likes her, for example:
Once she asked him if he missed Italy, if he was sorry he’d come here…”How could I be sorry, when you are here?” he said, and kissed her in a way that put all questions out of her mind. In that moment, Elena knew what it was like to be completely happy. She’d felt his joy, too, and when he had pulled back she had seen that his face was alight, as if the sun shone through it.
The good times were like that. But he had kissed her less and less frequently of late.
Leaving aside the question of what Stefan would look like if his face actually was alight,
isn’t it a little bit creepy and narcissistic that Elena only really enjoys Stefan’s company when he’s draped all over her, nudging her with his vampire-y erection (oh, you just know that’s what “felt his joy” actually means), telling her how wonderful life is when she’s in the world, and generally validating her status as the Teen Queen of Smalltown High School? And as soon as they start doing other stuff that doesn’t involve Stefan flouncing around the woods talking about how wonderful Elena is while prodding at her thigh with his Marvellous Marble Rolling-pin, she gets cross and frustrated?
There was never enough time to be with Stefan, and that was frustrating, but even more frustrating was Stefan himself. She could sense his passion for her, but she could also sense that he was fighting it, still refusing to be completely alone with her.
Is Elena really up to the rigours of an actual relationship, I wonder? One where instead of obsessively focusing on each other all the time, you go out and have fun together by focusing on a third thing, like maybe a nice meal or a cinema or a bowling alley or something? Or perhaps she might be happier with a mirror, and one of these. Just a thought.
Anyway. Bonnie’s parents are out of town, so Elena and Meredith are sleeping over. For a minute, Yangtze the dog gets out and is menaced by a crow and that crow is totally Damon in disguise and Damon was totally that guy at the school, and that means he has got to be a vampire, and OMG, will there actually be some actual on-screen gore in this book about creatures that survive by draining the blood of other creatures? No; they get the dog back inside again and put on their pyjamas and talk about what they’re going to wear for the Hallowe’en party. And this makes me sad. But I am about to get over this, and you’re about to see why:
“Mine’s easy,” said Bonnie. “I’m going to be a Druid priestess, and I only need a garland of oak leaves in my hair and some white robes. Mary and I can sew it in one night.”
“I think I’ll be a witch,” said Meredith thoughtfully. “All that takes is a long black dress. How about you, Elena?”
Elena smiled. “Well, it was supposed to be a secret, but…Aunt Judith let me go to a dressmaker. I found a picture of a Renaissance gown in one of the books we used for my oral report, and we’re having it copied. It’s Venetian silk, ice-blue, and it’s absolutely beautiful.”
A custom-made…Venetian silk…ice blue…Renaissance gown. That you have cleaned out your college fund to pay for. Genius.
And just in case you think I’m making it up about the college fund –
“It sounds beautiful,” Bonnie said. “And expensive.”
“I’m using my own money from my parents’ trust. I just hope Stefan likes it. It’s a surprise for him, and…well, I just hope he likes it.”
Utter, utter genius. I did actually laugh out loud at this, which is a dangerous occupation when you’ve had two children.
At this point, friends who are even moderately sane, thoughtful and concerned with your welfare would probably stage an intervention. However, since Bonnie and Meredith are the two girls who nearly didn’t go to Elena’s rescue when they were certain she was about to be raped, the chances of this are small.
Things Bonnie and Meredith ought to be saying to Elena at this point
1. You are way over-invested in Stefan
2. If you wear that costume to the ball, everyone is going to laugh at you
3. “Everyone” in this instance may well actually include Stefan
4. Who, by the way, you are way over-invested in
5. I mean, what makes you think he even wants to see you in an ice-blue Renaissance-style gown made out of Venetian silk, in any context whatsoever?
6. But most especially at a Hallowe’en party where we made a pretend corpse out of balloons, magic and string, and all your friends are throwing on any old shit they happened to have around the house
7. Renaissance Italian ballgowns have nothing whatsoever to do with the modern conception of Hallowe’en
8. So you’re going to look ridiculous
9. Again – you are way over-invested in Stefan
10. Did we mention makes no sense whatsoever to clean out your college fund to pay for a Hallowe’en costume?
Things Bonnie and Meredith actually say to Elena at this point
1. We think Stefan should go dressed as Dracula to the Hallowe’en ball.
Although they fail yet again to notice that this is because he looks, dresses and acts exactly like a vampire and therefore might have something to do with the clear and obvious act of vampirism we all happened across the other night.
By all reasonable measures, this chapter ought to have reached its peak of magnificence already, but it hasn’t. Something even better is coming our way. For reasons I’m a bit unclear on, Elena decides she is going to read aloud from her diary. For reasons I’m even less clear on, Meredith and Bonnie don’t actually fall about laughing as she does so (although it’s always possible we don’t get to see this because Elena isn’t looking at them, being entirely absorbed in the sheer beauty of the prose she has produced). Finally, she shares with us what is possibly the stupidest ever opinion anyone has ever had about relationships, anywhere in the world, at all, ever:
“If I knew we were going to break up eventually, I suppose I’d just want to get it over with. And if I knew it was going to turn out all right in the end, I wouldn’t mind anything that happens now. But just going day after day without being sure is awful.”
And then they have a Dumb Supper or a Moronic Dinner Party or something to find out who Elena’s going to marry and the man who is also the crow and is also Stefan’s brother and is also the weird dude from the school shows up and some sexual tension happens and the stupid yappy dog dies, possibly of sheer disgust at the events it’s been forced to witness (yesss!) and Elena is confused and where the hell is Stefan, anyway?
Oh, right, he’s off in the forest somewhere, draining a deer and doing some suffering in case one day he loses the run of himself and accidentally eats Elena.
Now, here’s the thing. Although I only buy free-range meat, there’s no getting away from the fact that, for me to eat animals, they have to be dead first. On the other hand, this deer that Stefan’s been nomming on gets to walk away with its life. And – while I’m sure it wouldn’t class being tapped for a couple of pints by a passing vampire as a life-enhancing experience – it seems pretty chilled about it.
So where the hell does Stefan get off with all this oh-I’m-such-a-monster-I’m-not-worthy shit? How is it that he somehow feels the human race has the moral high ground over vampires?
Also, singular lack of insight into his own biological processes:
The blood lust…was a mystery to him even now. Although he had lived with it every day for centuries, he still did not understand it. As a living human, he would no doubt have been disgusted, sickened, by the thought of drinking the rich warm stuff directly from a breathing body.
Stefan Salvatore, scholar and Renaissance man, is utterly mystified by the clearly unnatural process of getting hungry and wanting to eat food. Outstanding.
Finally, we get Stefan’s Vampire-superpowers origin story; and actually, this does explain rather a lot about our poor, fucked-up Mr Salvatore. One hot night in Venice, Elizabeth creeps into Stefan’s bed. He thinks she’s there to shag his brains out, which is a perfectly reasonable conclusion; but no, she says, they’re going to do something else. (Incidentally, is this the Vampire equivalent of We don’t have to do anything, we can just lie here and not touch? Just a thought.) She strokes his throat for a while while he lies there trembling with desire and waiting for her to take charge. And that part’s okay, really; a bit purple and flowery and perfect-orgasm-without-any-stickiness-or-worrying-if-you-look-fat, but hey, we’ll go with it.
Then, having sucked him dry (har har har), it’s time for Stefan to have a go:
Sometime later…he found himself in her arms. She was cradling him there like a mother holding an infant child, guiding his mouth to rest on the bare flesh just above the low neck of her night shift. There was a tiny wound there, a cut showing dark against the pale skin. He felt no fear or hesitation, and when she stroked his hair encouragingly, he began to suck.
I have one word for you, Mr Salvatore, and the word is, “Bitty”.
Run, Elena. Run for the hills.
Extensive online research confirms that you could buy one thousand eight hundred and fifty nine copies of The Vampire Diaries from Amazon for the cost of a single ice-blue Venetian silk Renaissance-style gown. I advise you not to rush into either decision.