Undead Tuesday: The Vampire Diaries (Chapter Nine)

Some Problems Are Just Inherently Really Solvable

It’s always good fun, laughing at other people’s wildly purple prose. This may be why, despite the rather irritating teenage swooning we have to sit through, I do really sort of like this chapter. It opens with Stefan having his own personal Road-to-Damascus moment with the realisation that – despite them both being hot and blonde and aloof and other important stuff – Elena is not actually the identical same person as his lost love Katherine. The traditional way to reach this conclusion would be to realise they were born five hundred years apart on different continents, but Stefan – in a way which I find strangely endearing – has to deduce it from the available evidence:

Ways in which Elena is different to Katherine (other than being born five hundred years apart on different continents)

1. Her hair is slightly lighter
2. Her eyebrows and lashes are darker
3. She’s a handspan taller
4. She moves “with greater freedom”
5. Her eyes are not wide with childlike wonder (srsly? Katherine looked like that all the time?)
6. In fact, sometimes they narrow with determination or challenge
7. (my personal favourite – and I’m quoting here) “Whereas Katherine had been a white kitten, Elena was a snow-white tigress.”

Of course, a white tiger is actually black and white, since the depigmentation only affects the orange parts of the coat. But at least he’s not mentally comparing the love of his life to a furious kitten, unlike some other perpetually-teenaged white marble Vampire Gods you run into these days. And anyway, I don’t care, because it looks like we’re about to get some back story! Slow dissolve to…

…fifteenth-century Florence, where to ensure an authentic sense of Olde Worlde-ness, no-one uses contractions and we all pretend to be British for a bit. Stefan and Damon are locked in a dreary triangle of lurve over the beautiful yet indecisive Katherine, who apparently fancies both Stefan and Damon, and can’t make up her mind. Also, she’s a vampire, so whoever gets to live with her for ever has to “give up the life of sunlight” (why? WHY? Forgive me for pointing this out, but I see a whole lot of Stefan walking around in the sunlight) and also become a vampire.

And she can only choose one of them. Ohnoes.

Like this, only with teenagers

Here’s why this is a complete non-problem. Katherine likes both Stefan and Damon. Damon and Stefan both like Katherine. Eternity is a long, looooong time to commit to anything. However much we wish it wasn’t so, the brutal fact is that at least half of us lack the commitment to get through the first twenty years. So just set up home all three of you together, for God’s sakes! Honestly, you’ll have a great time.

But for now, we’re back in the twenty-first century, where Stefan is doing some more mooning about over what Elena is like:

“Elena, warm as sunlight, soft as morning, but with a core of steel that could not be broken. She was like fire burning in ice, like the keen edge of a silver dagger.”

This is what Google Images thought I was looking for when I cut-and-pasted that description. I swear this is absolutely true.

And then, because this is a Vampire Romance, we have to have the obligatory angsting about how He’s An Unworthy Beast Who Isn’t Fit To Lick The Instep Of Her Bejewelled Sandals:

“But did he have the right to love her? His very feeling for her put her in danger. What if the next time the need took him Elena was the nearest living human, the nearest vessel filled with warm, renewing blood?”

Again, since we know perfectly well Stefan can live quite happily on rabbits, this is a complete non-problem. All he needs to do – literally, the only requirement here – is to make sure he’s eaten before he gets too friendly with Elena. You know how diabetics carry little packets of sugar? You know how men with PE issues are encouraged to give themselves a hand-shandy before the main event? You how we all know not to go shopping when we’re hungry? THAT.

And while we’re on the subject – what the heck is up with all that “She will never have to give up the sunlight because of me” rubbish? Because, um, the first time we saw you, Mr Salvatore, you were standing in the sunlight. So for the second time I ask you – what’s that all about, then?

And he wasn't even sparkling

Enough of this. Back in Elena’s house, we’re all indulging in a little bit more victim-blaming, with Elena’s friends all agreeing with her that nearly getting raped was an entirely suitable outcome for her heinous crime of daring to leave the dance early. If it looks like I’m not giving this the attention it deserves, I’ve written extensively about this topic here, and here. So let’s just shut our eyes and walk past this like it’s that poor homeless guy at the bus-station who’s always drunk, which conveniently excuses us from giving him any money, and get to The Plot, which is unfolding quite nicely.

Defying my predictions, Vickie Probert is still in the book. Seriously, she gets lines and everything! Admittedly the lines are “No!” and “No! No!”, but, you know, the thought’s there. When the gang all wander in to see Vickie, she’s lying in bed, getting some rest, and with suspiciously cold hands. Vickie sees Elena, has some sort of massive conniption (maybe Elena still smells of Stefan or something, I don’t know) and everyone leaves hastily, with no-one seeming to notice that she’s short several pints of blood and has bite marks on her neck, what the – ?

Okay, I know, I know; trope of the genre.

Shutting up now, Sir.

In the final scene of the book, Stefan and Elena share another quasi-orgasmic kiss:

“…Stefan’s eyes were too dilated for even this dim light…he looked dazed, and his mouth – that mouth! – was swollen.”

Note to any teenage girls reading: THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Kissing is awesome, but it doesn’t get you off. M’kay?

And because all well-adjusted couples go through each other’s stuff on a regular basis, Elena then waits until Stefan is out of the room before rummaging enthusiastically through his underwear drawer and discovering that he’s been secretly hoarding her hair-ribbon.

Awww.

Five problems we can solve for the £5-ish it would cost to buy The Vampire Diaries:

1. Donate to a mosquito-net project and help protect children from malaria
2. Donate to a water-aid project and help bring clean water to a community
3. Donate to a homeless charity and help people get through a crisis
4. Sponsor a guide dog and help make life a bit easier for someone with visual impairments
5. Donate to a breast cancer research charity and help find better treatments to help more women beat breast cancer