“You WILL use a basket. At ALL TIMES. This is how shopping works in our country. No go away and shop. QUIETLY. And don’t make a mess.
“And is it too much to ask that you stay away from the paint? Paint makes us very, very nervous.”
“Hang on – wait a – what the hell are you DOING? Are you using that basket to take stuff TO YOUR CAR? Your car that’s OUTSIDE THE STORE? What the hell are you THINKING? I mean, my God, those things aren’t free, you know?
“Look, it’s really simple, okay? While you’re IN the store, you use a basket. We’ve seen what you people can do with your hands when you’re bored. Frankly, it makes us sad and angry. We’re all much more comfortable when your hands are where we can see them. But as soon as you step OUTSIDE the store, you stop using the basket. These babies are made of the finest low-grade plastic money can buy. Exposure to UV-radiation can cause serious damage. Or maybe they sparkle in the sunlight. We’ve never actually tried it.
“So anyway, that’s why the second you leave the store, our baskets instantly transition from Compulsory to Verboten. You know what? I really enjoyed our little chat. Have a great day!”