Only People Who Come From Hull And Know About The Awesomeness That Is Hull Fair, Are Allowed To Point And Laugh At Hull Fair…
…and this is because Hull Fair is awesome. Every year in early October, Europe’s biggest travelling fair arrives on the backs of lorries and trailers, unpacks itself and opens for business. It stays for eight days, opening from dusk until midnight. For those eight days, a normally horrid patch of tarmac and chip-wrappers becomes an authentically magical place of wonders. And then, in a freakishly short space of time, it packs itself back up again and disappears off to…somewhere…and is not seen again until next October rolls around.
Seriously. It’s not just the biggest travelling fair. It’s an objectively big travelling fair. In fact, I’ll go further; it’s an objectively big fair. Even if it never moved an inch, it would still be massive. The fact that the whole thing arrives on the back of a lorry and assembles itself in about nine hours flat is simply the cherry on the top.
Also: borderline-libellous airbrush pictures of celebrities!
Katie Price has built an empire on the fierce exploitation of her own image, so I doubt she’d be all that happy to discover she’s endorsing a travelling Cyclone ride. Fortunately I don’t think she goes to Hull Fair. Or reads this blog.
I doubt Beyoncé will be any happier:
Peter Andre, on the other hand, might be a bit more forgiving. He always seems nice on the TV.
“Undead serial murderer” to “fairground ride operator” is a tough leap to make, but I think Freddy Kreuger seems to have pulled it off quite nicely –
You can say a lot of things about the charmless antics of Mel Gibson*, but I don’t think anyone’s yet accused him of what this particular ride-owner seems to be implying:
Then again, I suppose the essence of the artistic endeavour is to see the things others don’t. I particularly like this parallel-universe picture of Demi Moore, which clearly shows how she should look these days, minus the Botox and the treatments and the ludicrous quantities of plastic surgery:
Older, greying, and beautiful; she could have been the American Helen Mirren. But instead, that honour has gone to Meryl Streep, and Demi Moore is just another plastic clone trying to achieve an impossible ideal. Boo.
Getting back to my original point – let’s not forget that Hull Fair is awesome. Remember – less than twenty-four hours ago, this was in pieces on the back on a truck:
And if that doesn’t astound you, then you really aren’t paying attention.
But, on the other hand; that giant ride you’re about to get on?
This one here?
This one that’s so big…
…that I can’t actually get far back enough…
…to get the whole thing in one shot…
…this also was in pieces on the back of a truck.
Is that a good thought, do we think?
To be fair to the people who run Hull Fair, accidents are rare. Not unheard of, obviously. But rare. And they genuinely do make sure you know what you’re in for before you get on:

Also, this ride ARRIVED IN PIECES ON THE BACK OF A TRUCK AND WAS ASSEMBLED IN LESS THAN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS. JUST SAYING.
Damn it, this is all getting a bit heavy, isn’t it? After all, the fair is about fun! Laughter! Thrills! Excitement! Happiness!
Maybe we ought to go and see the kiddy’s rides. They’re bound to be non-scary.
Or – or – or maybe not.
But just what the hell is this animated-house guy looking so worried about? If you’re a house, what is there to be frightened of?
Oh, hang on a minute – I think I’ve spotted the problem;
He’s just realised he’s got a malevolent madman living in his attic.
Or maybe he’s afraid the hunters will come and kill him with their tambourines –
One blow to the back of the neck and you’re a goner.
Then again, he could also be frightened by the sight of the mad carnivorous clown who looms over passing punters, inviting children inside with his promises of sweet, sweet bouncing goodness:
Okay, maybe that’s enough of the kid’s rides. Let’s get some food instead.
As well as its rides for all ages and its alarming tendency to strange Hollywood homages, Hull Fair is also famed for its sideshows. Until a few years ago it had the last working Wall Of Death attraction in the country. Although that’s sadly gone now, it still has some pretty cool stuff for you to fritter away your money on.
Where else in the world can you still enjoy the ancient and noble sport of Zombie Horse-Racing?
Maybe we should just go home.
Now, I just know that having read this post, you will desperately want to come to Hull Fair. Unfortunately, you have to wait almost a whole year before you can do so. In the meantime, here’s a link to the Hull Fair page on Hull City Council’s website, so you can learn more about exactly what you’re missing by not living in Hull. And you thought we were just a bunch of codheads.
*at least, I hope you can. If I get my ass sued over this blog, I guess we’ll all have learned something useful.
Brilliant!
Glad to see the oddly disturbing plastic horse race lives on. Is the ET ride still there? That’s the one with a warped fibreglass effigy of ET on top, with a big red bulb screwed in the end of one finger, usually wearing an unspeakably filthy t shirt which will probably be ground zero for some dreadful disease one day.
I think people need to be aware of the more unusual food elements of Hull Fair too. Like the fact that for the week or so after it arrives, every household in the entire city inevitably contains at least one of the following:
A bag of fudge in a bright primary colour.
A pomegranate going mouldy.
A bag of brandy snaps going soft.
A bag of candy floss going hard.
Also the fact the the Hull Fair street vendors single-handedly support the global LED industry through the Autumn every year, and owning this year’s crap toy is an essential element of being at primary school in Hull.
And that insane preacher who inexplicably survives year after year.
And that grubby old anti-Santa who also inexplicably survives year after year.
And the worst toilets for 10,000 miles.
Memories…we need to come back to ‘Ull next year.
Unless I’m mistaken, this may be your longest “Great Moments in Retailing” segment to date. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.
While I find this extremely amusing, I can’t help but be reminded of The State Fair of Texas, which is as guilty of doing the things your Hull Fair does. Hell, I’d say EVERY type of fair is guilty of using badly airbrushed celebrity portraits to get people on their rides and traumatizing the little ones with their nightmare-inducing kiddie coasters.
But there’s one thing we have that you never will: Fried bubblegum. 😉
Oh, super wow! That looks fun. Yes, always keep in mind that the rides were put together in less than a day.
love fairs. Anywhere.I grew up going to county and state fairs, still go every chance I get wherever I am and still know lots of the carnies and vendors working the west coast.