Great Moments In Retailing: Hull Fair

Only People Who Come From Hull And Know About The Awesomeness That Is Hull Fair, Are Allowed To Point And Laugh At Hull Fair…

…and this is because Hull Fair is awesome. Every year in early October, Europe’s biggest travelling fair arrives on the backs of lorries and trailers, unpacks itself and opens for business. It stays for eight days, opening from dusk until midnight. For those eight days, a normally horrid patch of tarmac and chip-wrappers becomes an authentically magical place of wonders. And then, in a freakishly short space of time, it packs itself back up again and disappears off to…somewhere…and is not seen again until next October rolls around.

Seriously. It’s not just the biggest travelling fair. It’s an objectively big travelling fair. In fact, I’ll go further; it’s an objectively big fair. Even if it never moved an inch, it would still be massive. The fact that the whole thing arrives on the back of a lorry and assembles itself in about nine hours flat is simply the cherry on the top.

Also: borderline-libellous airbrush pictures of celebrities!

Katie Price has built an empire on the fierce exploitation of her own image, so I doubt she’d be all that happy to discover she’s endorsing a travelling Cyclone ride. Fortunately I don’t think she goes to Hull Fair. Or reads this blog.

I doubt Beyoncé will be any happier:

Peter Andre, on the other hand, might be a bit more forgiving. He always seems nice on the TV.

“Undead serial murderer” to “fairground ride operator” is a tough leap to make, but I think Freddy Kreuger seems to have pulled it off quite nicely –

Does he build the ride with those claws on?

You can say a lot of things about the charmless antics of Mel Gibson*, but I don’t think anyone’s yet accused him of what this particular ride-owner seems to be implying:

Then again, I suppose the essence of the artistic endeavour is to see the things others don’t. I particularly like this parallel-universe picture of Demi Moore, which clearly shows how she should look these days, minus the Botox and the treatments and the ludicrous quantities of plastic surgery:

Older, greying, and beautiful; she could have been the American Helen Mirren. But instead, that honour has gone to Meryl Streep, and Demi Moore is just another plastic clone trying to achieve an impossible ideal. Boo.

Getting back to my original point – let’s not forget that Hull Fair is awesome. Remember – less than twenty-four hours ago, this was in pieces on the back on a truck:

And if that doesn’t astound you, then you really aren’t paying attention.

But, on the other hand; that giant ride you’re about to get on?

This one here?

This one that’s so big…

…that I can’t actually get far back enough…

…to get the whole thing in one shot…

…this also was in pieces on the back of a truck.

Is that a good thought, do we think?

To be fair to the people who run Hull Fair, accidents are rare. Not unheard of, obviously. But rare. And they genuinely do make sure you know what you’re in for before you get on:

Also, this ride ARRIVED IN PIECES ON THE BACK OF A TRUCK AND WAS ASSEMBLED IN LESS THAN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS. JUST SAYING.

Damn it, this is all getting a bit heavy, isn’t it? After all, the fair is about fun! Laughter! Thrills! Excitement! Happiness!

As long as we're defining "happiness" as "shitting your pants".

Maybe we ought to go and see the kiddy’s rides. They’re bound to be non-scary.

Or – or – or maybe not.

But just what the hell is this animated-house guy looking so worried about? If you’re a house, what is there to be frightened of?

Oh, hang on a minute – I think I’ve spotted the problem;

He’s just realised he’s got a malevolent madman living in his attic.

Or maybe he’s afraid the hunters will come and kill him with their tambourines –

He never even knew what hit him.

One blow to the back of the neck and you’re a goner.

Then again, he could also be frightened by the sight of the mad carnivorous clown who looms over passing punters, inviting children inside with his promises of sweet, sweet bouncing goodness:

Get in mah belleh...!

Okay, maybe that’s enough of the kid’s rides. Let’s get some food instead.

Pleasingly honest.

As well as its rides for all ages and its alarming tendency to strange Hollywood homages, Hull Fair is also famed for its sideshows. Until a few years ago it had the last working Wall Of Death attraction in the country. Although that’s sadly gone now, it still has some pretty cool stuff for you to fritter away your money on.

Where else in the world can you still enjoy the ancient and noble sport of Zombie Horse-Racing?

Desecrating the graves of famous sportspeople since 1293.

Maybe we should just go home.

My daughter. Asleep. And not traumatised at all. Just asleep. Honest.

Now, I just know that having read this post, you will desperately want to come to Hull Fair. Unfortunately, you have to wait almost a whole year before you can do so. In the meantime, here’s a link to the Hull Fair page on Hull City Council’s website, so you can learn more about exactly what you’re missing by not living in Hull. And you thought we were just a bunch of codheads.

*at least, I hope you can. If I get my ass sued over this blog, I guess we’ll all have learned something useful.