The Skinny On How Movie Critics Con Us Into Seeing Stuff
THEY SAY… THEY MEAN…
Beautiful Mawkish
Epic Long
Classic Derivative
Lyrical Set between 1900 and 1950
Brave Has a gay couple in it
Tender Sickening
Heartfelt Up itself
Searing Entirely humourless
Romantic Unrealistic
Moving One of the leads dies
Heartbreaking A child dies
Uplifting Has an implausibly happy ending
Dazzling Over-saturated with an insanely loud soundtrack
Bold Extremely violent
Tough Torture porn
Challenging Misogynistic
Fast-paced More money than sense
Turbo-charged Significantly more money than sense
High-octane Massively more money than sense
Laddish Girls in their underwear
Artistic Girls without their underwear
Terrifying Schlocky
Chilling Promises schlock but doesn’t deliver
Loveable Hateful
Sweeping Contains shots of mountains
Lush Contains shots of cornfields
Kooky Infuriating
Quirky Inexplicable
Heart-warming Nauseating
Witty British
Intelligent Foreign
High-concept Contains a maximum of one idea
Romp Average men doing beautiful women
Bigger and better Dumber and more expensive
Stunning special effects We could find absolutely nothing else positive to say about this movie
From the director of… Not nearly as good as…
In the tradition of… Shameless rip-off of…
A re-imagining of… Copied from…
All-star cast Cast is a collection of famous has-beens
This holiday season… …you’ll only come to see this because the walls are closing in
Family fun You’ll all hate it equally
Surprise hit Seventeen studios are now kicking themselves
British Not as good as you think it’s going to be
Bafta-award-winning Passed over for the Oscar
“[This actor] is at his peak” This actor is past his sell-by date
“[This actor] keeps getting better and better” This actor’s continuing bankability is a total mystery
“[This actor] is a revelation” Holy shit, this actor can actually act. Who knew?
“[Actor A] is the new [Actor B]” Actor A was considerably cheaper than Actor B
“…as you’ve never seen him before!” This actor has been hopelessly miscast
“The [genre film] of the year!” Will sink without trace within six weeks of release
“Redefines the genre” For people who don’t really like this genre
“A must-see movie” A heavily-promoted movie
“An undiscovered classic” A not-very-heavily-promoted movie
“Franchise” Done to death
“The surprise hit of the year” The film that, despite the best efforts of everyone involved, accidentally turned out to be quite good
Cassandra Parkin 
Leave a Reply