Dear lovely readers,
Since I posted my article “Fifty Things That Annoy Me About Fifty Shades Of Grey”, it’s become by far my most popular blog entry. Lots of you have mentioned it in various forums, tweeted about it, shared it on Facebook and generally spread the word. Thank you all so much – you’re all fabulous, and I’m delighted everyone’s enjoyed it so much.
Anyway, I’m thrilled to announce that thanks to your fantastic response, I was commissioned to write a whole e-book on the subject. “Lighter Shades of Grey: a (very) Critical Reader’s Guide to ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’” covers the whole of the magnificent folly that is “Fifty Shades of Grey”, chronicling the many, many more things that annoy me about it. If you’d like to find out how many times Ana uses the phrase “Oh my”, how often her lip is bitten, whether Christian Grey is a diagnosable psychopath and exactly how he gets away with a kidnapping, it’s available right now from e-book distributors on both sides of the Atlantic, from prices starting at £1.49 / $2.34.
Thank you again for your support, your tweets, your links and your many, many kind comments.
And if you were just wanting to read the original blog entry that started it all, below is a copy of the original post.
After weeks of dithering, it finally dawned on me that I can’t blog about genre fiction and not face up to the existence of the Genre Fiction hit of the year. On the other hand…well, frankly, I don’t want to face up to the existence of the Genre Fiction hit of the year. It annoys me. I wish it wasn’t there.
So I decided to read it until I’d found fifty things that annoyed me, and then stop. Here’s my list.
1. We meet our heroine.
“I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair – it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal…Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu.”
A bad start.
a. In the scheme of things, bad hair is not a problem. Please try to be less self-absorbed.
b. I seriously doubt that Kate got flu just to spite you.
2. Anastasia arrives at Christian Grey’s headquarters and takes the elevator.
I walk into the enormous – and frankly intimidating – glass, steel and white sandstone lobby. Behind the solid sandstone desk, a very attractive, groomed, blonde young woman smiles pleasantly at me…[after taking the lift] I’m in another large lobby – again all glass, steel and white sandstone. I’m confronted by another desk of sandstone and another young blonde woman dressed impeccably in black and white.
a. It is not possible to create the impression of luxurious yet understated opulence simply by over-using the word “sandstone”.
b. Maybe you just got in the lift and forgot to press the button.
3. Anastasia waits outside Christian’s office to start the interview
“To be honest, I prefer my own company, reading a classic British novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library.”
In literary terms, there is no such thing as a “classic British novel”. There are Romantic novels, picaresque novels, High Victorian novels, epistolary novels, Utopian novels, satirical novels, Condition-of-England novels…but not “classic British novels”.
Therefore, merely by the use of the phrase “classic British novel”, you have entirely undermined the impression you were intending to create by the use of the phrase “classic British novel”.
4. Anastasia speculates on what Christian Grey will be like.
“Judging from the building, which is too clinical and modern, I guess Grey is in his forties: fit, tanned and fair-haired to match the rest of the personnel.”
a. A more logical way to estimate his age would be to consider the likely length of time it would take to reach the position of CEO of a multinational conglomerate, make the working assumption that he attended college, then adding the likely length of career to his likely graduation age. There is little or no point trying to estimate people’s ages based on the architectural style of the building they happen to be in at the time.
b. Really successful businesspeople almost never hire people based on how much said prospective employees resemble them.
5. Further speculation on Christian Grey’s hiring practices.
“Perhaps Mr Grey insists on all his employees being blonde. I’m wondering idly if that’s legal, when the office door opens and a tall, elegantly dressed, attractive African-American man with short dreads exits. I have definitely worn the wrong clothes.”
a. Between 2% and 4% of the world’s population are naturally blonde. Even if this were legal (which we’ll get to shortly), insisting on all your employees being blonde would constitute a ridiculously restrictive limit on your available talent pool, as well as making everyone who came across you question your sanity. Since Christian Grey is apparently very successful and well-regarded, the chances of him imposing such a bizarre requirement for people working for his organisation are small.
b. Please stop speculating if this is legal or not. You have been to college.
c. Your entire theory is based on meeting a grand total of two employees. This is a ridiculously small sample and any conclusions drawn from such an inadequate range are highly likely to be wrong. For example, if I were to judge your entire novel based on the one per cent I’ve read so far, I might accidentally conclude it was written by an idiot.
d. This is the best example of tokenism I have ever seen. You may be eligible for some sort of award.
e. Your statement “I have definitely worn the wrong clothes” implies that briefly sharing physical space with a black man requires some sort of special outfit. Please elaborate.
6. Anastasia enters Christian’s office.
“I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office.”
a. I am aware that “Fifty Shades” began life as a Twilight fan-fiction. I know that falling over with absolutely no provocation is one of Bella Swan’s most recognisable traits. However, the minute you used the Find / Replace function to convert from Bella Swan to Anastasia Steele, you instantly became free of the constraints of your original genre. Anastasia is not obliged to fall over. You may want to consider this, because…
b. I have been in a lot of meetings in my life, and I have seen a lot of people walk through a lot of doors to get into these meetings. However, I have never, ever, ever seen a grown adult (man or woman) fall over and land face-down on the floor of a meeting-room. And I’m including meetings where half the participants were drunk.
I’m not saying it never happens. I’m just saying it doesn’t sound very plausible, and therefore it sounds dumb.
7. We get to see what Christian Grey looks like
“He’s tall…with unruly dark-copper-coloured hair”
This in itself is not annoying. However, I am flagging it now because it represents the start of a disconcerting love-affair with Robert Pattinson’s Twilight hairstyle that will soon be absolutely doing my head in.
8. Christian Grey’s office
“His office is way too big for just one man”
That would be because his office is also his meeting room, where he holds his meetings, which involve other people coming into the room and being in it.
9. Christian Grey holds forth on the subject of success in business
“Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I’m very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn’t, what inspires them, and how to incentivise them.”
a. Nobody talks like this in real life.
b. Especially since the idiom you are actually looking for is “what makes them tick”.
10. More magnificence from Mr Grey’s Big Book Of Business
“My belief is to achieve success in any scheme one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail. I work hard, very hard to do that.”
Dude, you are talking about yourself in the third person. Even the Queen can’t do this without sounding weird. She is eighty-six and has never had anyone correct her on it. What’s your excuse?
11. Even more magnificence
“I make decisions based on logic and facts.”
Christ almighty, as opposed to what?
12. This is all from the same unbroken paragraph of direct speech, by the way
“I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people.”
I bet you can also design roller-coasters in under six hours and stare at the sun unblinking.
13. Christian decides it’s time to show Anastasia his human side
“Immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things.”
a. No, I think it’s probably acquired by a whole lot of hard work.
b. This is really more of a third-date revelation.
14. Bizarre hiring policies
“I employ over forty thousand people, Miss Steele…If I were to decide I was no longer interested in the the telecommunications business and sell up, twenty thousand people would struggle to make their mortgage payments after a month or so.”
Possible explanations for this extraordinary remark:
a. Your entire empire is based on telecommunications, therefore forty thousand telecoms employees. Your business is so lamentably over-staffed that any buyer would be able to instantly lay off at least half your workforce within a month of purchase with absolutely no consequences whatsoever – something which you (despite your apparently ruthless dedication to business success) have completely overlooked. Therefore, you’re an idiot.
b. Telecommunications represents half of your business empire, and is staffed in proportion. If you were to sell it, the buyer would somehow be able to run it at a profit without needing anyone working for them at all – a point which you (despite your apparently ruthless dedication to business success) have completely overlooked. Therefore, you’re an idiot.
c. You’re indulging in a spot of dubious grandstanding to impress Anastasia. Therefore, you’re an idiot.
15. Christian in his spare time
“I’m a very wealthy man, Miss Steele, and I have expensive and absorbing hobbies.”
Soon he’ll be offering to show her his special gold-plated toilet-paper.
16. Question: “You invest in manufacturing. Why, specifically?”
Answer: “I like to build things.”
I laughed so loudly at this that the cat got up and ran out of the room in a panic.
17. More wisdom on the subject of manufacturing
“I like to know how things work: what makes things tick, how to construct and deconstruct. And I have a love of ships. What can I say?”
a. “Investing in manufacturing” is not the same as “making stuff”. Most CEOs are too busy running the company to get deeply involved in understanding the exact construction of everything the company makes. This is why the rest of us have jobs as well as them.
b. “Manufacturing” is not a synonym for “liking ships”.
18. “Are you gay, Mr Grey?”
“I cringe, mortified. Crap. Why didn’t I employ some kind of filter before I read this straight out?”
Hell if I know, Ana. Maybe you’re related to Ron Burgundy?
19. Christian’s PA is astounded by a last-minute change to his schedule
“We’re not finished here, Andrea. Please cancel my next meeting.”
Andrea hesitates, gaping at him. She appears lost.
20. World’s creepiest job offer
“We run an excellent internship program here,” he says quietly. I raise my eyebrows in surprise. Is he offering me a job?
Since he doesn’t know who you are, what you’re good at or even what your major is, I sincerely hope he isn’t. That would be the act of an idiot. And I would so hate to have to think of Christian Grey as an idiot.
21. Anastasia has no self-awareness
“No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why. Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power?”
Yes; finding yourself attracted to a good-looking, age-appropriate billionaire who clearly also fancies you back makes absolutely no sense at all.
22. Anastasia and the Law: Round Two
“As I hit the I-5, I realise I can drive as fast as I want.”
Um, no. No you can’t. You can drive at speeds up to and including the applicable speed limit. Same as always.
23. Sauce for the goose: Kate’s commentary on Anastasia’s love-life
“You, fascinated by a man? That’s a first,” she snorts.
Just out of interest, why does no-one ever ask Anastasia if she’s gay?
24. Obligatory piece of clunky intertextuality (1)
“I work on my essay on Tess of the D’Urbervilles. Damn, but that woman was in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong century.”
Yep, she should have been born in our time. These days, we’re totally down with stabbing your lover through the heart because he makes an ill-judged crack about your ex-husband.
25. Things that are not dreams (1)
“That night I dream of dark places, bleak cold white floors, and grey eyes.”
Really? How does that work, then? Are the bleak cold white floors in the dark places? If the places are dark, how can you see the bleak cold whiteness of the bleak cold white floors? Or do you move from one to the other – like, one minute you’re in a dark place, the next minute you’re standing on a bleak cold white floor? And how about the eyes – are they just rolling around loose on the floor, or what?
26. Fundamental misunderstanding of how home-based businesses work
“[My mother] proceeds to tell me about her latest venture into candle-making…I hope she hasn’t mortgaged the house to finance this latest scheme.”
a. Unless she’s actually built a candle-making factory in the back garden, which seems unlikely, I seriously doubt she will need to mortgage the house to pay for her starter-kit.
b. Also, I doubt that any bank would actually sign off on a mortgage where the stated purpose was “Start candle-making business. Get rich. Buy island in sunshine. etc.”
27. Obligatory piece of clunky intertextuality (2)
“Ray is a skilled carpenter and the reason I know the difference between a hawk and a handsaw.”
a. No, the reason you know the difference between a hawk and a handsaw is because they are absolutely nothing alike.
b. Clearly you think so highly of this reference that you feel compelled to make it again later.
c. Being able to quote from someone else’s masterpiece does not imply that you yourself are actually clever.
28. Anastasia the alcoholic
“Standing on our doorstep is my good friend Jose, clutching a bottle of champagne.”
At this point I would just like to flag up that – despite a later claim that she never gets drunk – Anastasia gets through a really quite astonishing quantity of alcohol in this novel.
29. A poor basis for a friendship
“Not only do we share a sense of humor, but we discovered that both Ray and Jose Senior were in the same army unit together.”
I doubt my dad could pick my friends’ dads out of a police line-up. Does this mean we should cancel our friendships and start hanging out with the children of people our parents went to war and traumatically shot foreigners with?
30. She has read too many books, and it has addled her brain
“Perhaps I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high.”
a. Mr Rochester was rude, sarcastic and frequently cruel. Mr Darcy was rude and socially awkward. Alec D’Urberville was a rapist, and Angel Clare ran for the hills as soon as he found out he wasn’t marrying a virgin. Heathcliff was a psychopath.
Exactly which of your ideals and expectations would you say these men have set far too high?
b. Has anyone ever met anyone who died a virgin and a mad old cat lady solely because they never met anyone who matched up to Mr Darcy?
31. The Mark Of The Sue: Wilful blindness to another’s obvious devotion
“I watch Jose open the bottle of champagne…Jose’s pretty hot, but I think he’s finally getting the message: we’re just friends.”
Yeah, when I was a penniless student I used to take bottles of champagne round to my male friends’ houses for absolutely no reason all the time.
32. Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (1)
“Saturday at the [DIY] store is a nightmare. We are besieged by do-it-yourselfers wanting to spruce up their homes.”
You are working at a DIY store, and have been for four years. It should not take you by surprise that Saturday is your busiest trading day.
33. Mr Grey has entered the building
“Holy crap. What the hell is he doing here…? I think my mouth has popped open, and I can’t locate my brain or my voice.”
a. Unless you have suffered an injury to your cerebellum, resulting in a disorder of proprioception, you should be perfectly capable of determining whether your mouth is, or is not, open. Please consider consulting your nearest neurologist.
b. Your vocal cords are stretched across the front of your larynx, as always.
c. Your brain is in the jar where I’m presuming you usually keep it.
34. …or something.
“His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel…or something.”
Description 101: if you need to qualify your simile with the phrase “or something”, it probably wasn’t that good of a comparison to start with.
35. Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (1)
“I shake my head to gather my wits.”
While this adequately conveys the notion that the heroine is overcome by the presence of her
leading man, the unintended consequence is to force the reader to picture her in the guise of a large wet dog that has just exited a body of water.
36. Basic anatomy fail (1)
“Why is he in Portland? Why is he here at Clayton’s? And from a very tiny, under-used part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: He’s here to see you.”
a. Pretty much by definition, your unconscious is just that – unconscious. It is not possible to engage in dialogue with it.
b. Similarly, your Medulla Oblongata takes care of the boring-but-necessary housekeeping stuff like breathing, heartbeat, temperature regulation, etc. As such it is not capable of generating active thought such as “He’s here to see you”.
c. The word “subconscious” has no real scientific meaning and as such, does not belong in the same sentence as “located at the base of my medulla oblongata”.
37. When there are two explanations for someone’s behaviour, and one of them could pose a serious threat to your life and liberty, and the other is lame and doesn’t really fit with the available evidence, always pick the lame one. Because that’s better in a lot of ways.
“He gazes at the selection of cable ties we stock at Clayton’s. What on Earth is he going to do with those?
…”Is there anything else?”
“I’d like some masking tape…no, [I’m] not redecorating,” he says quickly then smirks….”And some rope, I think.”
Yeah, nothing remotely threatening or disturbing here. And I’m sure the guy who came in and bought seventy-five pounds of ammonium nitrate and sixteen detonators was just planning to give his garden a really, really deep feed this season.
38. Another item in Anastasia’s collection of slightly stalky Just-Good-Friends
“Paul hugs me hard, taking me by surprise…”You’re looking well, Ana, really well.” He grins as he examines me at arm’s length. Then he releases me but keeps a possessive arm draped over my shoulder. I shuffle from foot to foot, embarrassed. It’s good to see Paul, but he has always been over-familiar.”
If he is touching you in a way you don’t like, you have the right to say no. Please forget about shuffling from foot to foot in embarrassment and consider kicking him in the nuts with your foot in righteous outrage.
39. Paul gets dazzled
“Mr Grey,” Paul returns his handshake. “Wait up – not the Christian Grey? Of Grey Enterprises Holding?” Paul goes from surly to awestruck in less than a nanosecond.
a. Think back to your college days. How many CEOs of major corporations could you name? Yeah, I thought so.
b. Even allowing for the fact that Paul is studying Business Administration at Princeton, “Christian Grey” isn’t that unusual a name. It’s a pretty big leap from “You have the same name of someone who has absolutely no reason to be in my family’s hardware store” to “You are that actual person”.
c. The name “Grey Enterprises Holdings” is stupid.
40. Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (2)
“Would you like a bag?”
…”Please, Anastasia.” His tongue caresses my name, and my heart once again is frantic.
a. In pronouncing the name “Anastasia”, the tongue stays entirely behind the teeth and is not visible at all. In order to accept the premise that Christian is, indeed, caressing Anastasia’s name with his tongue, I am forced to conclude that he is licking her name-badge.
b. On the other hand, I quite like the idea that this is what he’s doing, so I’m quite tempted to let this one go.
41. Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (3)
“My scalp prickles at the idea that maybe, just maybe, he might like me…I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side.”
Why not try this one in public and see what happens?
42. Basic anatomy fail (2)
“Ana, you’re the one with the relationship.”
“Relationship?” I squeak at her, my voice rising several octaves. “I barely know the guy.”
The average human voice has a natural span of about an octave and a half. A trained singer can generally manage between two and three. At four octaves, Freddie Mercury’s range was so exceptional that almost no-one can sing his work the way he sang it.
For your voice to rise “several octaves” (i.e. three or more), you would either have to have a natural speaking voice somewhere in the range of James Earl Jones, or be capable of producing a pitch somewhat beyond the range of normal human hearing.
43. Things that are not dreams (2)
“I am restless that night, tossing and turning. Dreaming of smoky grey eyes, coveralls, long legs, long fingers, and dark, dark unexplored places.”
I especially like the introduction of “coveralls” into this bizarre still-life collection. Sort of like a collision between “American Gothic” and an abattoir after dark.
44. Good hair, pants that hang from hips
He’s wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and grey flannel pants that hang from his hips. His unruly hair is still damp from a shower.
a. I refer you to Item 7. From here on in, Hair References will be coming thick and fast.
b. The other thing Ana really goes for is pants that hang from men’s hips. Mentioned once, this is not annoying. Unfortunately, this is not the last we’ll be seeing of Christian Grey’s well-hung pants.
45. Social mobility fail
[Kate] shakes [Christian’s] hand firmly without batting an eyelid. I remind myself that Kate has been to the best private schools in Washington. Her family has money, and she’s grown up confident and sure of her place in the world. She doesn’t take any crap. I am in awe of her.
Welcome to America; the land of opportunity. FFS.
46. Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (4)
“Christian Grey has asked me to go for coffee with him.”
Her mouth pops open. Speechless Kate! I savour the moment.
a. As an experiment, spend a day telling people mildly surprising things like “I thought I might give up sugar in my tea for a week” or “I have six tattoos” or “I met the Queen once when I was small”. Count the number of times anyone’s mouth pops open. If n > 0, I will humbly retract my objection.
b. Kate has been telling Anastasia for pages and pages and pages that Christian likes her. Therefore, speechless shock is not an appropriate reaction to them going to get coffee.
c. Unless she knows Anastasia is gay, of course.
47. Coffee shops do not only sell coffee
“I am going to have coffee with Christian Grey…and I hate coffee.”
Then you will just have to stand outside the shop like a dog waiting for its owner while he goes in on his own, won’t you.
48. In the coffee-shop, Anastasia comes over all sophisticated
“I’ll have…um – English Breakfast tea, bag out.”
“…Okay, bag out tea. Sugar?”
For a moment, I’m stunned, thinking it’s an endearment, but fortunately my subconscious kicks in with pursed lips. No, stupid – do you take sugar?
“No thanks.” I stare down at my knotted fingers.
a. Since the word “Sugar?” is modified by a high-rising terminal, and you’re in a coffee-shop, this is clearly a contextually-appropriate question rather than an endearment. Interpreting it as anything else makes you look like an idiot.
b. We’ve already covered the impossibility of engaging in meaningful dialogue with your unconscious, so I’ll just refer you back to Item 36.
c. As any mother but yours would undoubtedly tell you, staring down at your knotted fingers when someone asks you a perfectly civilised question makes you look surly and rude.
d. In a post-SATC world, any reference to “tea, bag out” or “bag out tea” is automatically funny.
49. Good hair, pants that hang from hips (2)
“He’s tall, broad-shouldered, and slim, and the way those pants hang from his hips…oh my. Once or twice he runs his long, graceful fingers through his now dry but still disorderly hair. Hmm…I’d like to do that.”
a. There is a limit to the number of times I want or need to be told how well these pants hang from his hips, and we have now exceeded it.
b. While it’s traditional for TwiHarders to venerate Robert Pattinson’s hair, as this book is not officially Not Fan Fiction any more, it’s okay to get rid of this particular trope. In fact, I insist.
50. Idle speculation about things that normal people already know
“He has a coffee which bears a wonderful leaf-pattern imprinted in the milk. How do they do that? I wonder idly.”
Oh come on.
That’s the first fifty things, and they haven’t even kissed yet – never mind got to the recreational floggings. However, I was tragically compelled to finish the entire book, getting more and more annoyed with every page. And then I was commissioned to turn it into an e-book. Which is for sale, right now! If you’d like to buy it, that would be lovely.
And if I have managed to inspire in you a raging appetite for Fifty Shades Snark that cannot wait to be satisfied, you may like to swing by my friend Heidi’s blog and enjoy her musings on the subject.
Laters, baby.*
*Just so we’re clear, I’m quoting “Fifty Shades Of Grey”. Yes, really.
Brilliant. Much more entertaining than the actual book…
Oh, thank you, Jacq! It was disconcertingly good fun to write, as well. I hadn’t quite realised how much spite and badness I had inside of me.
A fair dissection of an easy target. I’m amazed though that you didn’t comment on the sex in the novel – perhaps you did and I missed it. The whole point of the novel is the selling of the sex on its pages – take that out and nobody would have heard of the book. Sex sells is the oldest trick in the marketing/publishing and every mention of the book helps sales. I forecast in about a year, or perhaps less, it will be hard to remember the three titles. Meanwhile the author and publisher laugh all the way to the bank.
I haven’t read the book and don’t intend to…but I am in love with your analysis of it! If I had a cat, it too would have run away in panic from the huge bursts of laughter!
Sarah, I’m really glad you enjoyed it! (The cat was very cross and sulked for a good half-hour. Since my cat has the attention-span of a gnat, that’s like fifty-seven years in human time.)
With regards to the pants, I have this in my notes: “His pants hang from his hips? Are they palazzo pants?”
Yes, when I get to this part, I will have a picture of palazzo pants.
The picture of Jesus facepalming is probably my favorite picture ever.
You’ve managed to work in two (2) Spock pictures and I think I love you.
THE HAIR OMG! I do not ever, ever, ever again wish to read a description of a person’s hair. I’m done with hair. Would that every person in the world were as hairless as Patrick Stewart!
Thanks for linking to my blog. I’m rather proud of that piece. And yes, there’s always going to be more with this book.
I bought the second book because I am currently portraying symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome. I just had to read more.
Oh, how did I miss the palazzo-pants thing! You’re so right. That’s clearly what he’s wearing.
I can feel the second book in my future too. I need closure on the whole thing.
Really liked this article, but I feel obliged to warn you that the phrase “hawk from a handsaw” actually does refer to having the sense to be able to tell two tools apart, not a bird and a tool. Which means it actually works quite well for the context used. Which means…yeah. She won that one. Sorry.
Just to agree with Neil here… the “hawk” referred to is actually a hand tool, not a bird…. plasterers use one to hold the fresh plaster that gets spread on walls or ceilings. I know this from my dad, my husband (both very good at construction) and watching years of “This Old House” on PBS.
Oh so wonderful! I love this blog entry. And I hate fifty shades. Looking forward to more!
Ella, thank you! So pleased you enjoyed it.
I’m quite alarmed by just how much I found to say about “Fifty Shades”. I suspect I am building up all sorts of bad karma and will shortly be sent to Hell.
It’s weird, isn’t it? I read it as Master of the Universe and like so much fanfiction you can mostly ignore the bad writing because, let’s face it, we’re reading it for the sex scenes. But then she Barely Changes It and Makes Loads Of Cash and it can’t be ignored how rubbish it is. PS I hope you didn’t pay for it.
Brilliant post. If it is somshit why are people all reading the book. They must have some really good PR. can’t wait for the next installment!
Dilly, the thing that perplexes me most about “Fifty Shades” is that to start with, it didn’t get a lot of support. It began as a self-published e-book, and took off entirely due to word-of-mouth.
I guess the number of people who want to fantasise about being spanked by Robert Pattinson’s hair is even higher than previously suspected.
[…] It is written by a writer (by which I mean a real writer). Her most recent post “Adventures In Trash: Fifty Things That Annoy Me About “Fifty Shades Of Grey” is a satisfyingly biting review. Commenting on Mr. Grey’s self-effacing assessment that […]
Thank you for my Liebster award – that’s so nice of you! Especially since I was being so gratuitously horrible about “Fifty Shades”.
Thank you again – much appreciated. And very best of luck with your triathlon journey, which (since I can’t even run for a bus) I am properly in awe of.
Thanks Cass, I was beginning to think I might have to read 50 Shades of Grey, and you have saved me from it and made me laugh and laugh all at the same time. I feel I owe you several hours of my life!
Hooray, Susie! My work here is done. 🙂
Thank you for doing this! I’m sick and tired of hearing about “Fifty Shades” this and “Fifty Shades” that! Tear ’em a new one, Cass!
My pleasure, my dear. Glad you enjoyed it. 😉
And once again, you confirm why you are my favourite blogger!
On the subject of the creepy hardware store purchase (and I may be wrong in the context, as I have so far avoided actually reading this bilge in the hope that I will keep the smug unsullied glow which clings to me after successfully resisting anything written by Dan Brown), I must make the observation that masking tape is easily ripped, and most unsuitable for serious restraint. Duct tape is far more sinister. Unless we are looking at a tape to gag someone without ripping out their hair, in which case Ann Summers do a nice roll of shiny black tape which only sticks to itself. According to a friend of mine. But you can’t buy in in DIY stores.
Oh Bof, what a lovely comment! Thank you. 🙂
Apparently (so I’ve been told, by People Who Ought To Know) Christian’s great ineptness at properly restraining Ana is causing huge mirth in the BDSM community. Which is a nice thought. Because it’s always good to make people laugh, I think.
I didn’t know about the Ann Summers tape. But I’ll certainly bear it in mind if I ever meet a red-haired billionaire with pants that hang beautifully from his hips…
That was a real entertaining read. I don’t know the book but I had good laughs. But please never try yourself at fiction! Perhaps you should calm your nerves with a few scientific books now? *g*
Katrin, thank you! Very glad you enjoyed it. You’ll be pleased to know I’ve put myself on a strict course of Stephen Hawking while I get over the shock of “Fifty Shades”. 🙂
Excellent Blog
Admittedly, I read all three books in a weekend. The funny thing is every thing you say is on point and logical but the sheer enjoyment of NOT THINKING is the escape these books gave to me and probably 50+ other women i’ve heard from. After day in and day out of always making decisions and being the person who takes care of the home and business(s) and children etc….I wanted a break from the brain and it was…decent mindless erotica. Now, if you ask what i didnt like…I can get over the fifty + things you mention but what really got to me was the fact that Anastasis could not have been living in 2012! I know not one woman who is as frail, undecided, unknowing and immature as she is. It just didn’t click, maybe 50 years ago…yes you’de find an anastasia on every door step but today…impossible! And WHY does it have to be the man to be the sexual leader…from those I know…women are better porn stars then men, they have better imaginations, seriously whats hotter than a womanteaching a man a thing or two!!!
Any way, thanks for the laugh, every point was better then the last!
Tcacace, I think that was what grated on me most as well…it was like Ana had spent her entire teenage years asleep. Scary.
(And, and, and – and I have all of the “Twilight” novels, and have read them several times, even though they’re dreadful. As you say, sheer mindless escapism…)
Exactly. Everyone is getting so worked up about why women are reading these books. I read for the enjoyment of not thinking. It is why I also love to read young adult books. I just like to say that I was almost that innocent when I was married 16 years ago.
I’m afraid I got to point 14 and stopped, mainly because if I kept reading I’d get stitch from all the laughing!
I really really hope that if I ever get a full novel published you don’t review mine. I’m scared! 😉
Hey, if (when) you have your novel published and it becomes a NY Times bestseller, you won’t give a damn what I think. Also, I’m sure it will be brilliant. 🙂
I enjoyed reading the book (I like particular kinds of crapness) but I think I’d like it even more if I read it with your voice in my head being snarky about everything.
I know exactly what you mean about particular kinds of crapness! I absolutely loved “Twilight” – perhaps not quite in the way I was supposed to, but nonetheless…
And I like the idea of being the snarky voice in your head. Thank you! x
I’m never going to be able to read the original now. {Thank you!} Deliciously funny.
Loved this – but please will you go through the sex bits now as well, so I don’t have to read those either?
Hi Judy, glad you enjoyed it! There will be more coming soon – watch this space for an Announcement. 😉
brilliant blog piece, thank you 😀 can’t wait to read further installments of the review – I managed about 1/3 of the book before having to get it out of my house. It took 2 weeks of offering it for free to anyone I came into contact with before anybody would take it off my hands. I actually paid to send it away in the end.
So funny..please do go on. I have no intention of reading the book, but I’d love to read more of this!
Love this post! I read the whole trilogy and the whole time I couldn’t shake the compulsion to want to picture Kristen Stewart as the character of Ana. What’s weird to me about this is that I actually didn’t know about the book’s origins as “Twilight” fan fiction – it’s just the descriptions and the character’s voice that had me always thinking “she reminds me of Bella from “Twilight”. Oh well, I know this makes me seem about as clueless as Ana herself. Also, everytime Ana would say stuff like “My Fifty” and “Oh, Fifty Fifty Fifty” in my head I kept hearing it as “Fiddy” as in the rapper 50 Cent.
Thank you! It’s about time someone was sensible about the flogging book. I couldn’t get through it, my friends though rave about it.
I’ve had this book on my desk trying to get up the nerve to read it. Now it’s starting to look more appealing if I can laugh my way through it as hard as I laughed through your fifty things.
I weep. Can’t help getting upset at the hype over something that is so badly written. No problem for fan fic, it appeals to the fans, that’s fine, its all fun.
But for this to get so much attention … It causes me actual pain. Of course I come across as a jealous writer. How could I not? I am jealous. I want her sales. I’m busting my chops to write the best stories I can. And I’ll keep doing that because, dammit, I have to.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the snark. You’re reading this so I don’t have to.
Hilarious! Wait til you get to the sex scenes – the description of losing virginity is anatomically very interesting.
It’s extremely cruel,woman-hating and sadistically violent how as other sane people who know how truly sexist,sick,violent,and woman-hating Fifty Shades of Horror really is,a reviewer on amaon.com said that every sex scene is described as Christian slamming into her with what they didn’t say,a huge hard erect penis which makes it even more sadistic and violent.
And another amazon.com reviewer who is a writer herself who also gave it a bad review and said that it ‘s abusive and that every time they have sex it’s like Ana is being raped because he always slams into her and she said including whwn she’s a virgin for god sake,she said she could have slapped him.
I read excerpts where ana tels him she’s a virgin and he says I’m going to f–k you hard,just like in the hadcore pornography videos,all of the men have huge penises and slam into women in every orifice and f–k them hard,and the women are also portrayed as ”loving” this sadistic,woman-hating male dominated violent sex.
50 Shades Of Grey And The Erotization Of Male Dominance by Smashesthep
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By smash
April 2, 2012
Abuse, BDSM, Violence
37 Comments
On 50 Shades of Grey and the Erotization of Male Domination
Freedom is slavery.
Submissiveness is empowering.
BDSM erotica is feminist.
The above are just a few of the lies that patriarchal culture has served up for women in the best selling BDSM novel 50 Shades of Grey.
First-time female novelist E L James began the piece as short fan fiction based off of the Twilight series whose main relationship between a 104 year old vampire and a teenage girl meets all the criteria for domestic violence.
Given its source material, it’s not surprising that 50 Shades of Grey and its sequels tells the story of a billionaire who convinces a young woman to agree to be his full time sex slave. E L James’ story is not new.
The Story of O is a BDSM novel published in 1954. It details the “training”, sexual degradation, and final suicide of a woman named O (Woman Hating Andrea Dworkin p 55-63). The book was written by a woman and, similar to 50 Shades of Grey, documents female enjoyment of male domination.
In our male-dominated culture, women are socialized to enjoy being dominated sexually. As Womon On a Journey says, “The cultural of women-hatred f*cks with ALL of our brains, so that we really have no idea as women what our desires would be in a sex-equal society.”
Given this fact, what are we to make of the fact that some women enjoy fantasies of being dominated?
The enjoyment these women feel is described by Dee Graham in her book Loving to Survive as Societal Stockholm Syndrome. Because women as a group cannot escape from men, we have found ways of dealing with their violent and destructive behavior. We eroticize it, and internalize the desire for it. As Cherry Blossom Life says, “Perhaps when women talk about the empowerment of submissiveness, they are actually talking about the power of the double bluff: “You want to hurt me? Screw you; you’ll never hurt me more than I want to be hurt myself.””
By “choosing” to enjoy male-dominant sex, women are able to develop a sense of power, however limited.
BDSM practitioners often engage in a classic patriarchal reversal. That is, they claim that they are actually an oppressed group in society who lose social power due to their kinky sex practices. They claim that non-practitioners, that is, those whose sexual practices do not involve explicit domination and submission, have “vanilla privilege“, which means that non-BDSM practitioners oppress them.
Radical feminists see that since all our desires occur within a patriarchal context wherein women are submissive and men are dominant, the explicit enactment of this dynamic in the bedroom is in direct conformity to male-centric sexual norms. We recognize the framing of BDSM as” transgressive” as a patriarchal reversal (where the opposite of what is being claimed is actually what is true). In fact, BDSM practices actively oppress women.
Note that I am not blaming these women for attempting to carve out space for female agency in an exceptionally coercive, abusive, and traumatic patriarchal society. Nor am I blaming the women who buy and read 50 Shades of Grey, or as it has come to be known, mommy porn. Rather, I am analyzing the context under which this glorification and erotization of male domination has become an outlet for female sexuality.
Radical feminists see the justification of BDSM- whether in erotica, or in practice- as a form of orgasm politics, which we reject. We do not agree with Barbara Seaman, who said, “The liberated orgasm is an orgasm you like, under any circumstances.” We do not believe that activities should be immune from criticism simply because they occur in our minds or our bedrooms.
Rather, we agree with Sheila Jeffreys when she says,
“Traditional forms of male-supremacist sexuality based on dominance and submission and the exploitation and objectification of a slave class of women are being celebrated for their arousing and “transgressive” possibilities.”
There is nothing transgressive or feminist about BDSM erotica or sexual practices. The popularity of this new novel, as well as the Twilight series, show the way in which women cope with male violence and oppression by eroticizing male dominance.
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37 comments
Laurie said: April 2, 20124:17 pm
So true. My daughter writes YA fiction and says that “Twilight” has ruined the once-somewhat-feminist culture, spawning a whole subgenre of supernatural teen rape romances.
ehungerford said: April 2, 20124:59 pm
The sex-poz insistence that any orgasm is a GOOD orgasm just demonstrates how unable some “feminists” are to make connections between their bullshit platitudes and female reality. It is a FACT that men have orgasms when they rape. That is how and why women become pregnant as a result of rape. Every orgasm is not a good orgasm. Every orgasm is NOT justifiable by the “innocence of pleasure.” Pleasure is not always innocent or “harmless.” The sexualization of VIOLENCE is indefensible.
Tina said: April 2, 20125:19 pm
This is so endless. This shit’s been going on for centuries. Nothing new. Pathetic…. but nothing new.
Witch said: April 2, 20125:42 pm
Oh, dem orgasms. Some weeks ago I saw a funfem saying something like:
“How to have feminist sex:
– Use protection
– Have an orgasm”
What is this orgasm obsession? Do libfems think when every woman orgasms liberation will occur? This just sounds like the same old PIV, but with a new face – Now ladies will orgasm, and orgams will change everything, right? They won’t get pregnant if they orgasm, right? Because the only pleasurable thing in sex is the orgasm, right? An orgasm is the most important thing to women… Right?
This orgasm thing sounds so malecentric! I don’t know how to explain, but this “sex must end in one because PIV ends in one and if you don’t orgasm this is bad sex and your partner is bad in bed” feels so wrong and pornified.
zeph said: April 2, 20126:57 pm
Good post! BDSM is pure conformity it is not transgressive, it enacts absolute obedience to the establishment. Rebels don’t take part in BDSM, if they can help it.
I agree Witch, that orgasms are pitiful substitutes for dignity and they can feel extremely bad under bad circumstances. The idea that they should be some kind of aspirational goal for women is just a joke. We can all do them better ourselves they are as workaday as sneezing. The cervix opens after orgasm though, they might actually increase your chances of getting pregnant; and who wants that from some wally with a whip and a domination complex?
Have orgasms in the safety of your own company, or in the arms of a woman you love, or just don’t bother and get on with the important things in life.
smash said: April 2, 20129:06 pm
Thanks to all for your responses.
Laurie: I’m sorry to hear that Twilight has infected your daughter’s YA fiction community. That is very sad. However, you must be very proud of her for noticing, and for sticking up for autonomous female characters.
All: In liberal circles, consent is seen as the gateway to healthy sexuality. Why are some practices immune from criticism simply by occurring under the umbrella of consent? It’s baffling.
tiamathydra said: April 2, 201210:03 pm
Men think that if a woman doesn’t want or enjoy sexual slavery, she has ‘sexual inhibitions’ and there’s obviously something wrong with her, because there’s no other way they can think of her sexual energy than submissive and masochistic, which is of course a patriarchal lie that enables them, given that there are women brainwashed into it, to vampirize our sexual energy. Do they really think they can fool us who suffer the systemic opression at their hands into believing that sexual male dominance is something other than the skeletal form of the whole engine? Do they really think that I can’t see violence against women and misogyny just because it’s sexualized and/or romanticized? LOL. Since always I’ve been able to recognize that there was something really rotten about how romance and sex are understood and portrayed in the patriarchy and I wish clarity for every woman and girl on this planet in order to see it too.
smash said: April 2, 201210:26 pm
What is interesting about this book, and about The Story of O, is that they are written by women. These women have so internalized their oppression that they are handing it back to other women in the form of “empowerment”. I’ve even heard 50 Shades described as having “revitalized women’s marriages”; as if convincing women to PIV their Nigels is a positive thing.
Again, I’m blaming the culture; not the women who have internalized the “male dominance is erotic” narrative.
karmarad said: April 3, 20126:37 am
Nobody human wants to be hurt.
Period.How sad, that benighted women react in male-defined masculine fetishistic perversions. It’s a psychopathology. They need help.
Who can be anything but terribly sad. There is no joy here. It is so dreadful to become an object. Sickening. Please think about that, women. Run from it. You can.
lizor said: April 3, 201212:07 pm
The Story of O was written after the author’s lover tossed her aside for a younger woman. I guess the idea was that her complete body and soul devotion to the assh*l*’s superficial power trip would get him back. It’s painfully sad.
Witch, I get what you mean by the orgasm being male centric. It is hard to make a case for this as women’s pleasure has been so constantly erased, marginalized or co-opted, it is still very much a foreign territory. I do think that the focus on a linear-style climax which is consistent with male excitement and ejaculation disorients us from our own bodily joy and pleasure. And I loath the trope that insists that if I am not a sexual masochist and am both unhip and repressed.
tiamathydra said: April 3, 20123:12 pm
I believe those women (both this one and the one who wrote Story of O) have been asked to write those books, or have been directly handed those books but asked to figure as their author publically. I know there are people who disagree but it’s just my opinion, maybe it’s too conspirational, but I honestely believe the level of conspiracy in the patriarchy to keep women enslaved is very high.
ethicalequinox said: April 4, 20123:01 am
I was talking with a group of younger women – late 20s to mid 30s – about the Edward character in Twilight. I told them in so many words that everything about Edward screams “creepy stalker guy who would probably kill you if you dared to break up with him”; you know, the kind you hear about on the news about every other week. Their response? Oh no, he’s just so in love with her and he doesn’t want her to get hurt by anyone (else, I suppose, is the word they forgot to tag on at the end here).
Jesus christ, Harry Potter was radical feminist manifesto compared to the shit that Twilight and this now a Fifty Shades of Grey* are teaching girls/women…
*Oooooh, is that a reference to moral ambiguity in a sexxxxxxay book? How subversive of them! Give them some po-mo cookies for that one stat!
m Andrea said: April 4, 20124:52 am
Freedom is slavery.
Submissiveness is empowering.
How el bizarro that they don’t apply that “principle” to racism.
m Andrea said: April 4, 20124:57 am
I meant, that if the “principle” they used was any good, then it would work on any subject. Obviously the orgasm is supposed to be a special snowflake exemption. Ha, ANY OTHER subject would also have to be an exemption. Which is why the “principle” sucks.
rainsinger said: April 4, 20126:11 am
How el bizarro that they don’t apply that “principle” to racism.
*nodding*. I went to an anti-porn feminist workshop several years ago, where they showed different sexes and different races switched around in various dom/sub sexualised imagery and scenarios. Interesting how the audience automatically recoiled at obviously racialised images of sexual dominance and submission. Indigenous peoples or poc are not expected to respond with sexual arousal and pleasure to images of these same peoples in overtly sexualised lynching/whipping poses etc? Only with females is it considered totally socially acceptable, and even “desirable”. Or even ‘feminist’ – which is where I get rather angry.
If there was similar celebration of consensual masochistic sexual torture of Black people, would they call it “empowering” for Black people? A “celebration” of their progress in achieving human and civil rights and building a non-racist world? If there was similar celebration of consensual masochistic sexual torture of Jewish people, or communists, or environmental activists, would this sexualisation be seen as an essential and critical part of these people’s social-political identity, and necessary for their socio-political struggles? For women to promote this behaviour as ‘feminist’, is the ultimate insult. That is like poc saying “please enslave us, please whip us and lynch us, for its my right to consent to slavery, to further empower us “. But am totally anti-racist and pro-civil rights etc… DUH ?…. Does not compute. Its like folks into practising bestiality, then turning around and saying they are pro-animal rights activists! (And promoting sexual bestiality as “liberating” for the animals)
Marcia said: April 4, 20129:10 am
This book is just another example of the terribly adverse affects that so much of the media that is disseminated has on our society. Freedom is not slavery. Submissiveness is not empowering. (Although at the time it may seem so because the ‘sub’ reserves the right to utter the safe word and ‘sets’ the boundaries. I used to be in a lesbian BDSM relationship, so I am well aware of the promotion of ‘the sub holds all the power rhetoric.”) And BDSM erotica is not feminist. These ‘principles’ can not be applied to empower any oppressed group of people (ie women, lesbians, people of color, etc). These ‘principles’ are just more propaganda tools to be utilized in further attempts to socialize women to enjoy sexual and other forms of domination.
smash said: April 4, 20122:44 pm
Rainsinger, what a great example that is. Thank you for sharing.
Marcia said: April 4, 20125:28 pm
Ditto. That is a really good example Rainsinger.
Hecuba said: April 4, 201210:31 pm
As always the issue of racism applies only to males never to females. Pornstitution is littered literally with men subjecting women of colour and women of non-white ethnic origins to sexual violence and sadistic sexualised torture and the general public ‘doesn’t bat an eyelid.’ Only when these images are juxtaposed wherein it is non-white men who are the ones being subjected to racism and sadistic sexual violence is there an outrcry of ‘racism’ racism.’ All women are dehumanised beings according to Male Supremacy and the Male Supremacist System has successfully conned many many women into believing being men’s disposable sexual service stations is the epitome of what it means to be a female. That is a dehumanised female who has no autonomous desires or ambitions apart from passively accepting men’s sadistic sexual violence as supposedly ‘empowering.’
Denial is a very powerful weapon because for many women recognising the reality of male domination and male control over women and their lives means what women believe to be ‘reality’ is not reality but just men’s lies. Not forgetting denial is a coping strategy because for women it is far easier to deny the truth and claim ‘I am really in control’ or ‘I am empowered’ because all too often reality is too horrible to accept. Loving to Survive by Dee Graham et al analyses and explains why so many, many women prefer to deny their reality than take a long hard look at men’s definition of women’s reality and experiences.
smash said: April 4, 201210:34 pm
Hecuba, thanks for your comment. I encourage everyone to read Graham’s Loving to Survive; both yourself and KatieS recommended it to me, and it changed my perspective a great deal.
Denial is such a coping strategy! Women don’t want to recognize that men enjoy dehumanizing and degrading them. That’s because it’s such a difficult reality.
tiamathydra said: April 4, 201211:47 pm
It may be difficult but isn’t it also difficult to capitulate? And if all women would face that reality, it would become less difficult because we’d all support our sisters in many ways and validate their suffering.
I think in the long term it’s more difficult to capitulate than to rebel, because if you capitulate you escape from facing the horrendous truth, but in the long term the horrendous truth will get to you and will make you ill, ignorant, poor, exploited, degraded and vampirized. That’s why I don’t know why the hell women are into denial… women who don’t have independence options it’s clear why they capitulate, survival, and these women get radical feminism easily bc they’re very oppressed but not that brainwashed -not necessary.
My question is why western women with some options and even middle-class career women are still capitulating? Why?! It drives me insane. Gail Dines in her book Pornland asks the same question and she concludes human beings are cultural beings vulnerable to indoctrination and construct our reality based on what we see, and since we’re social beings we don’t want to get ostracized either so those are powerful forces being used to enforce heteronormativity and the nuclear family.
I guess that’s true, but some of us have been immune enough to that and we’ve rebelled and faced the truth – yes, it’s really horrendous and beyond, but I bet none of us would return to ignorance and turn her feminist awakening down if we had the chance, and that’s because of a reason -this is ultimately worthwhile and there are rewards to it, if only merely spiritual, but capitulating ends up in a lose-lose game. And for Goddess’ sake, our foremothers have fought hard for the little choices of independence we have now… women should use them.
Amananta said: April 5, 20123:00 am
BDSM is also racist, hearkening back as it does to tools and practices “borrowed” from the antebellum South’s era of slavery of African-Americans. They hold “slave auctions” as frequent tool of humiliation and praise used on subs/slaves in the scene. The slaves sold are required o do whatever their new masters want. Horrifyingly, I’ve seen this trickle into popular culture in schools and high schools as a “fun game” and money raiser for charities. Is it any wonder the “Scene” is largely white people? There are exceptions, of course, but really – look at any online site with pictures, at any public gathering (they gather in public frequently, despite their whining about their “oppression”.)
karmarad said: April 5, 20123:07 am
The story of the Story of O is that the author’s mentor and lover of a dozen years, Jean Paulhan, who reminds me of Dominique Strauss-Kahn because he was much older than she and a libertine and [literary] lion, told her a woman couldn’t write erotica. He had other lovers and it’s true she thought that she could capture him back using the written word. She was 47 and said she wasn’t particularly pretty. By most accounts she did not write for publication, and read her work to him in parking lots and so forth (his wife had Parkinson’s). He thought there was money to be made and got Olympia Press (famous for obscenity prosecutions) involved. The publisher, M. Girodias, got a quickndirty translation into English and the show was on. The writer, Dominique Aury, was a respected literary figure who didn’t reveal that she wrote the book for 40 years except to close friends.
Paulhan died and Aury stayed alive into the late 1990s when she died at 90, saying her life was over when he died decades earlier. I keep thinking of that ass Strauss-Kahn and his wife, the one with the money, who has supported every disgusting thing he’s done, from the “rutting chimp” days on. Now he’s in the indictment process for pimping and I wonder how long the wife will continue defending him. French women are in an especially difficult position because their bourgeois culture is still based around mistresses and cool chain-smoking ugly intellectual men like Sartre. It’s a strange little tangent they’ve been on for 50 years.
Mavis Mantis said: April 6, 201212:00 am
This book that you’re describing sounds horrible. I just wanted to say that erotica books that are written under female pen names are not always written by women. I have a male acquaintance who writes erotica novels under a female pen name, because they’re written for women and they sell better that way. He seems like a nice enough guy. I took a Reiki class with him in real life, and he was (and still is) very heartbroken over a wife who he was married to for several decades and who died several years ago. The stuff that he writes is more romantic, not like this crap, so I have no problem with that personally. But I just wanted to let you know that these erotica books supposedly written by women are not always written by women.
Elin said: April 7, 201211:12 am
Isn’t it remarkable nice of these male writers to reserve the emmmpowerfullizing stuff in BDSM erotica always to women?
Like, in virually ALL other books of men, the male persons always do all the powerful stuff. But somehow, when it comes to BDSM erotica, they refrain from empowerfullizing men and give the women all the powerrrr… *cough*
endurovet said: April 9, 20123:20 am
“orgasms are pitiful substitutes for dignity” – Zeph, this hit me like the proverbial slap in the face. How right you are, how right indeed!
Maggie said: April 9, 20125:24 am
I am literally fed up with ‘feminists’ who keep defending pornography, prostitution & BDSM and who keep supporting rape culture. BDSM and porn aren’t feminist, for Goddess’ sake.
Thank you so much for this post, Smash. I always love it when feminists oppose BDSM (lesbian or het). It’s the most radical challenge ever to the rape culture out there!
Women need to withdraw ‘consent’ and refuse to re-enact the symbols of captivity, rape, torture and slavery as a ‘turn-on’. Women have to politically rebel against their own degradation.
Feuerwerferin said: April 9, 20129:22 am
BDSM is not only racist it is also antisemit. Black clothes and lethear are inspired by the Nazis (SS) and Foucault for example wrote that it turned him on to reanact the suffering of the Jews. The Nazis that still exist in Germany also seem to be above-average into BDSM and it’s women who are humiliated and of course not men. They don’t bother to lie about empowerfization unlike the self-proclaimed “progressives”. So, do male Nazis just not realize that they are indeed and consequently against their own very intention empowering women through their fetishes although they promote childbearing and housewives (conservatism)? *cough*
m Andrea said: April 16, 20127:04 pm
Two things: First to the moderator, thank you very much for not posting my previous comment in it’s entirety, it definitely needed editing! And thank you Rainsinger for your insightful comment — that discreptancy (hypocrisy really) between how people respond to sexist violence and how people respond to racist violence is exactly the thing which drives me nuts, yet I do an absolutely lousy job of articulating it. So thank you both again. Anyway, second thing:
The enjoyment these women feel is described by Dee Graham in her book Loving to Survive as Societal Stockholm Syndrome. Because women as a group cannot escape from men, we have found ways of dealing with their violent and destructive behavior. We eroticize it, and internalize the desire for it. As Cherry Blossom Life says, “Perhaps when women talk about the empowerment of submissiveness, they are actually talking about the power of the double bluff: “You want to hurt me? Screw you; you’ll never hurt me more than I want to be hurt myself.””
That. I noticed from a very early age that so many men use the tradtional pattern of domination/submission in their relationships with women, so I personally decided that the healthiest thing for me would be to have as little to do with men as possible. And I have NEVER been able to figure out why more women don’t come to the same conclusion. It’s like women are pre-committed to the idea that they simply MUST have relationships with men — and no other option is possible — no matter how harmful those relationships actually are. For most women, the option to disengage from relationships with men, doesn’t exist.
And please don’t tell me that their failure to recognize all of their options is exclusively caused by “external cultural brainwashing”. I was exposed to the exact same bullshit and you don’t see me falling for it. Sure I’m stuck on the same planet with men, but that doesn’t mean I have to engage in relationships with men, or accept men’s justifications for romanticized violence against women. An internal reason must exist which drives women to accept externally imposed male authored justifications — and I suspect that internal reason might be women’s own lust for cock. If they can’t find a penis which isn’t poisoned by toxic masculinity, then they’ll still take the poisoned one. The reason they hate themselves is not merely because of externally imposed negativity (which is harmful in and of itself), it’s because they realize that they’re voluntarily swallowing what they already know to be poison.
Just as men hate themselves (and project that hatred onto women) for allowing their sexual desire to influence their behavior, so too do women hate themselves for desiring an abuser. The only difference is, women take their self-hatred and completely internalize it onto themselves and other women. one theory, anyway…
Maria said: April 19, 20125:31 am
Finally, I found a review that doesn’t try to defend 50 Shades of Gray as an example of respecting women’s “choices.” 50 Shades of Gray is anti-feminist backlash. Thanks for the review.
Alouette said: April 20, 20125:14 am
@m Andrea, I do think there is an internal reason, but I disagree that reason is women’s unbridled “lust for cock.” Sorry, but that would be hilarious if it wasn’t for the context. There are some exceptions out there (although I question how they came to be exceptions), but those obsessed with phallics and bulging muscles are the males themselves. I’m of the opinion that many women who identify as heterosexual, perhaps especially the ones that can’t imagine themselves without men, probably wouldn’t have sex at all—and certainly not with males—if it weren’t a cultural requirement for their existing. Anyway, that’s another post…
No, the reason they remain in unhappy marriages and such is because, unlike males, they actually care about their sons, husbands, brothers, and other male friends and family members. Males exploited women’s capacity to love, and like parasites they’ve attached themselves to women in every aspect of our lives. It’s virtually impossible to not be connected to one in some way unless you go out of your way to severe those ties. Destroy the family unit and more women will be able to step back and view men from an objective perspective. Otherwise you’re telling them that their sons and “hubbies” are rapists. I was trying to explain how bad they are for us to another (lesbian) woman and she refused to listen because of her friendship with her twin brother. It doesn’t have anything to do with sex.
There is one thing I’ve noticed that definitely does hold women back: the belief you can “fix” males or “save” them from masculinity. Even in the comments of a well-known radfem blog (the name of which I won’t mention) there was a woman lamenting that she *gasp* had considered giving up on males altogether until her Nigel came along. (presumably with the sun shining out his ass) Women really need to keep prince charming in the books and fanfiction because he doesn’t exist in reality. The sooner they accept that the better. That’s why I internally applaud when some obtuse MRA type goes on a public tirade about how women aren’t doing enough to ingratiate themselves to males. There is a particularly repulsive one at my university, and you can literally see the disgust on women’s faces when he speaks. I only hope they realize he’s right when he says the numbers of males like him are in the thousands and growing.
As for why some women have their awakening more readily than others, well, it’s probably just a matter of personality and lifetime experiences.
Sally Archer said: April 21, 20125:52 am
Tonight abc 2020 (with a beautiful, feminine woman hostess who has zero authentic feminist analysis) is featuring 50 Shades of Grey and further normalizing male domination of co-opted and colonized women. The footage of workshops being held for women trying to learn how to do BDSM (fanfictive from the book audience) is truly stomach-turning. But I don’t blame women in this force-fed pornographic man-stream media culture as hostessed by fembot token torturers. This smiling horror show is on in the background (abc 2020) as I read this blog; the second course is married (husband-wife) couples who are swingers, now normalizing that male fantasy in mainstream/manstream TV land. The third course of abc 2020 tonight is a beautiful, rich, blonde, under-40 woman being described as “empowered” and exercising “her choice” because she can hire a younger, studly male “escort.”
When Robin Morgan and Andrea Dworkin wrote 40+years ago about the liberal-pornographic sell-out of second-wave feminism to hotness and male domination and female-erasure aka women’s adoption of male values, little could they have known.
Today the extent to which females of all ages have been injected with the male-dominant media brainwashing (on c-phones and pda’s, on laptops and browsers, on billboards, in movies, on TV, via piped-in music) and mass-produced consumer options (from t-shirts to 3rd-grade girls whose working-class parents are being sold, without affordable or available other options, dress-up shoes with little high heels) is an assault to a whole female consciousness in virtually every public space.
Shopping today because I really did need a new t-shirt (and there was a huge sale), the once dignified anchor store in a mall had inane, anti-woman lyrics set to the piped-in music played about 3 times louder than it would have been played 10 years ago. I asked the cashier if the music bothered her because, although I also told her I realized it wasn’t her fault or policy she’d set, it was so intrusive to my mind that I couldn’t stay in the store one minute longer. The cashier (late 20′s) told me that she was “just numb” to it. We had a brief and true feminist discussion but unless the current system crashes or she gets incredibly lucky, what are the good options for her finding better work in a money system run by men, really?
Not that I want to return to wearing the blinders that kept me from seeing the truth. Having set myself free is its own reward, tough though it is to be free in a captive state. I watch all the great women around me being culturally required (for social survival) to practice femininity, and I know that as more of us see, more of us have the chance collectively to get free. And that’s why men hate radical feminists.
Once a critical mass of women get in our bones how hollow are the patriarchy’s rewards (and fleeting, don’t I know, now being in my late 50′s and having no looks to trade against male cultural punishments), mensgame ends. At least I can hope.
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http://madamjmo.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/fifty-shades-of-subtlety.html
MadamJ-Mo
Pop culture, feminism and suffragettes
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Fifty Shades of Subtlety
.
PS – I’ve deliberately avoided mentioning the many reasons why this book is a feminist’s worst literary nightmare. The contracted ownership, coupled with the stalking, mental and physical abuse, and more… it’s appalling to see the mainstream acceptance of such behaviour in 2012, at a time when we should be further ahead than ever in putting an end to this degrading treatment of women. But there are many other people, far better qualified than me to speak on such matters, who have already written about this so well in relation to these books.
Posted by Janeat Wednesday, August 08, 2012
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1 comment:
tenderhooligan9 August 2012 20:09
OH. MY. DAYS. I’ve flicked through it, and read a few paragraphs here and there, and that was enough for me. Your description above confirms that I make the right decision in putting that one back!
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About me
Jane
I’m a Bristol-based author, editor and feminist activist. I’m also available for freelance proofreading etc work – arketino.blogspot.co.uk If you would
Sunsara Taylor’s Blog
Monday, July 16, 2012
BAsics Bus Tour hits NYC — AND I’m protesting 50 Shades of Grey tonight!
I am absolutely thrilled that the BAsics Bus Tour is kicking off officially today here in NYC. This time there are two full 30 foot RV’s and two dozen volunteers from around the country. They are impressive and they are taking out the most liberating and inspiring and practical solution to the problems of the world: all the way communist revolution as re-envisioned by Bob Avakian. Even more specifically, they are promoting BAsics from Bob Avakian and other work of his. I know from the last leg of the Tour, which went down South, as well as from my broader experience in and knowledge of the movement for revolution that this opens up tremendous enthusiasm, hopes, profound questions and contributions from many kinds of people. Stay in touch with the blog: basicsbustour.tumblr.com to stay up to the minute on how this Tour is going.
Also, tonight I will be hitting the streets with a small crew of folks from the movement to End Pornography & Patriarchy: The Enslavement and Degradation of Women to protest an event that is celebrating 50 Shades of Grey. It is called, “50 Shades of Seduction” sponsored by Sidebar in Manhattan. They are offering drink specials (50% of Grey-tinis) and a class on S&M. We will be outside passing out fliers and holding signs which read:
50 Shades of Grey: Bad for Women, Bad for Sex!
As we put it in our announcement for this protest:
We’ll be calling on people to reject the view of women and of sex that is promoted in the book, not to imitate and celebrate those views.
50 Shades of Grey glamorizes the story of a powerful man hurting a woman who cares for him using riding whips, chains, paddles and violently degrading sex. This is not ‘just fantasy.’ This does harm.
Every day millions of women around the world are hurt through the real-world acts of rape, battery, sexual slavery, pornography and sexual abuse. Women should be fighting to end their oppression and degradation, not celebrating it or seeking to get ‘in on’ their own objectification, commodification and degradation.
50 Shades of Grey is also bad for sex. More space needs to be opened up for people to imagine and experience the full richness of sex between mutually respectful and equal partners. Instead, this book pushes people to get over their discomfort and wallow in degradation and enslavement.
Labels: 50 Shades of Grey, commodification of women, pornography, protest, sex, women
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posted by Sunsara Taylor at 2:18 PM
1 Comments:
Chloe’s Mom said…
I hope it was a success! 🙂
7/19/12 3:28 PM
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Name: Sunsara Taylor
Sunsara Taylor is a writer for Revolution Newspaper, a host of WBAI's Equal Time for Freethought, and sits on the Advisory Board of World Can't Wait. She has written on the rise of theocracy, wars and repression in the U.S., led in building resistance to these crimes, and contributed to the movement for revolution to put an end to all this. She takes as her foundation the new synthesis on revolution and communism developed by Bob Avakian. You can find her impressive verbal battles with Bill O'Reilly and various political commentary on things from abortion to religion to cultural relativism by searching “Sunsara Taylor” on youtube.
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Thursday, June 21, 2012
“50 Shades of Grey”: Bad for Women! Bad for Sex!
Discussion…
Tuesday, June 26 at Revolution Books in NYC
7-9:30 pm
146 West 26th Street, NYC
hosted by Sunsara Taylor and the project to
End Pornography and Patriarchy: The Enslavement & Degradation of Women
50 Shades of Grey: Bad for Women! Bad for Sex!
50 Shades of Grey portrays a virginal college grad falling for a stunningly wealthy, controlling, powerful and troubled man who insists on totally owning her and getting off while hurting her with riding whips, chains, paddles and violently degrading sex. Despite her tears, deep isolation and confusion she comes to find this fulfilling and enjoyable.
Millions of copies of this book have been sold and everyone has been buzzing about what it means that women are attracted to this fantasy.
In reality, the attraction to this “fantasy” is not shocking. It’s only different by a matter of degree from the common romance novel or fairy tail that women have been indoctrinated with their whole lives: a young, virginal and insecure woman somehow attracts a man who she “doesn’t deserve.” He is powerful, jealous, moody and controlling. She is frightened, but the more she submits the more she sees abuse is just how he shows his love. Finally, she is made “worthy” because he wants to possess her.
The only thing new this time is that she has to sign a contract that refers to her as “The Submissive” and he buys her platinum and diamond jewelry to cover her bruises.
This is harmful!
It is bad for women – at a time when, under the guise of “post-feminism” women are once again being pushed to embrace the role of “breeder” or “sex object,” this book reinforces and makes appealing the idea that women should be owned and controlled by men.
It’s bad for sex – at a time when more space needs to be opened up for people to imagine and experience the full richness of what sex can be between mutually respectful and equal partners, this book pushes people to get over their discomfort and wallow in sex as degradation and enslavement.
NOTE: You do not have to have read the book to participate!
Labels: 50 Shades of Grey, anti-pornography, bondage, male domination, objectification, patriarchy, sadism, sexuality, women’s liberation
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posted by Sunsara Taylor at 4:26 PM
1 Comments:
Sekji Ani said…
Can’t understand why this book is so popular. Your summary of the book sounds like a 2012 version of Justine, and the Story of O.
7/31/12 1:22 PM
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This website has been set up to campaign against the “50 Shades of Grey” book series. These books have been portrayed as a erotic fiction and have gained total acceptability throughout popular culture. As campaigners, workers, women who have experienced domestic abuse and preventers of violence against women, we stand up to say these books are not erotic fiction, but the full reality of domestic abuse. Putting the series as erotic fiction gives it credibility that it does not deserve. These books portray sexual, emotional, physical and psychological violence and abuse as not only normal, but as something to aspire to. As people committed to the eradication of violence against women we reject the normalising of abuse these books are perpetuating and we call you to join us.
Join us in fighting back!
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50 Shades Of Grey And The Erotization Of Male Dominance by Smashesthep
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By smash
April 2, 2012
Abuse, BDSM, Violence
37 Comments
On 50 Shades of Grey and the Erotization of Male Domination
Freedom is slavery.
Submissiveness is empowering.
BDSM erotica is feminist.
The above are just a few of the lies that patriarchal culture has served up for women in the best selling BDSM novel 50 Shades of Grey.
First-time female novelist E L James began the piece as short fan fiction based off of the Twilight series whose main relationship between a 104 year old vampire and a teenage girl meets all the criteria for domestic violence.
Given its source material, it’s not surprising that 50 Shades of Grey and its sequels tells the story of a billionaire who convinces a young woman to agree to be his full time sex slave. E L James’ story is not new.
The Story of O is a BDSM novel published in 1954. It details the “training”, sexual degradation, and final suicide of a woman named O (Woman Hating Andrea Dworkin p 55-63). The book was written by a woman and, similar to 50 Shades of Grey, documents female enjoyment of male domination.
In our male-dominated culture, women are socialized to enjoy being dominated sexually. As Womon On a Journey says, “The cultural of women-hatred f*cks with ALL of our brains, so that we really have no idea as women what our desires would be in a sex-equal society.”
Given this fact, what are we to make of the fact that some women enjoy fantasies of being dominated?
The enjoyment these women feel is described by Dee Graham in her book Loving to Survive as Societal Stockholm Syndrome. Because women as a group cannot escape from men, we have found ways of dealing with their violent and destructive behavior. We eroticize it, and internalize the desire for it. As Cherry Blossom Life says, “Perhaps when women talk about the empowerment of submissiveness, they are actually talking about the power of the double bluff: “You want to hurt me? Screw you; you’ll never hurt me more than I want to be hurt myself.””
By “choosing” to enjoy male-dominant sex, women are able to develop a sense of power, however limited.
BDSM practitioners often engage in a classic patriarchal reversal. That is, they claim that they are actually an oppressed group in society who lose social power due to their kinky sex practices. They claim that non-practitioners, that is, those whose sexual practices do not involve explicit domination and submission, have “vanilla privilege“, which means that non-BDSM practitioners oppress them.
Radical feminists see that since all our desires occur within a patriarchal context wherein women are submissive and men are dominant, the explicit enactment of this dynamic in the bedroom is in direct conformity to male-centric sexual norms. We recognize the framing of BDSM as” transgressive” as a patriarchal reversal (where the opposite of what is being claimed is actually what is true). In fact, BDSM practices actively oppress women.
Note that I am not blaming these women for attempting to carve out space for female agency in an exceptionally coercive, abusive, and traumatic patriarchal society. Nor am I blaming the women who buy and read 50 Shades of Grey, or as it has come to be known, mommy porn. Rather, I am analyzing the context under which this glorification and erotization of male domination has become an outlet for female sexuality.
Radical feminists see the justification of BDSM- whether in erotica, or in practice- as a form of orgasm politics, which we reject. We do not agree with Barbara Seaman, who said, “The liberated orgasm is an orgasm you like, under any circumstances.” We do not believe that activities should be immune from criticism simply because they occur in our minds or our bedrooms.
Rather, we agree with Sheila Jeffreys when she says,
“Traditional forms of male-supremacist sexuality based on dominance and submission and the exploitation and objectification of a slave class of women are being celebrated for their arousing and “transgressive” possibilities.”
There is nothing transgressive or feminist about BDSM erotica or sexual practices. The popularity of this new novel, as well as the Twilight series, show the way in which women cope with male violence and oppression by eroticizing male dominance.
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37 comments
Laurie said: April 2, 20124:17 pm
So true. My daughter writes YA fiction and says that “Twilight” has ruined the once-somewhat-feminist culture, spawning a whole subgenre of supernatural teen rape romances.
ehungerford said: April 2, 20124:59 pm
The sex-poz insistence that any orgasm is a GOOD orgasm just demonstrates how unable some “feminists” are to make connections between their bullshit platitudes and female reality. It is a FACT that men have orgasms when they rape. That is how and why women become pregnant as a result of rape. Every orgasm is not a good orgasm. Every orgasm is NOT justifiable by the “innocence of pleasure.” Pleasure is not always innocent or “harmless.” The sexualization of VIOLENCE is indefensible.
Tina said: April 2, 20125:19 pm
This is so endless. This shit’s been going on for centuries. Nothing new. Pathetic…. but nothing new.
Witch said: April 2, 20125:42 pm
Oh, dem orgasms. Some weeks ago I saw a funfem saying something like:
“How to have feminist sex:
– Use protection
– Have an orgasm”
What is this orgasm obsession? Do libfems think when every woman orgasms liberation will occur? This just sounds like the same old PIV, but with a new face – Now ladies will orgasm, and orgams will change everything, right? They won’t get pregnant if they orgasm, right? Because the only pleasurable thing in sex is the orgasm, right? An orgasm is the most important thing to women… Right?
This orgasm thing sounds so malecentric! I don’t know how to explain, but this “sex must end in one because PIV ends in one and if you don’t orgasm this is bad sex and your partner is bad in bed” feels so wrong and pornified.
zeph said: April 2, 20126:57 pm
Good post! BDSM is pure conformity it is not transgressive, it enacts absolute obedience to the establishment. Rebels don’t take part in BDSM, if they can help it.
I agree Witch, that orgasms are pitiful substitutes for dignity and they can feel extremely bad under bad circumstances. The idea that they should be some kind of aspirational goal for women is just a joke. We can all do them better ourselves they are as workaday as sneezing. The cervix opens after orgasm though, they might actually increase your chances of getting pregnant; and who wants that from some wally with a whip and a domination complex?
Have orgasms in the safety of your own company, or in the arms of a woman you love, or just don’t bother and get on with the important things in life.
smash said: April 2, 20129:06 pm
Thanks to all for your responses.
Laurie: I’m sorry to hear that Twilight has infected your daughter’s YA fiction community. That is very sad. However, you must be very proud of her for noticing, and for sticking up for autonomous female characters.
All: In liberal circles, consent is seen as the gateway to healthy sexuality. Why are some practices immune from criticism simply by occurring under the umbrella of consent? It’s baffling.
tiamathydra said: April 2, 201210:03 pm
Men think that if a woman doesn’t want or enjoy sexual slavery, she has ‘sexual inhibitions’ and there’s obviously something wrong with her, because there’s no other way they can think of her sexual energy than submissive and masochistic, which is of course a patriarchal lie that enables them, given that there are women brainwashed into it, to vampirize our sexual energy. Do they really think they can fool us who suffer the systemic opression at their hands into believing that sexual male dominance is something other than the skeletal form of the whole engine? Do they really think that I can’t see violence against women and misogyny just because it’s sexualized and/or romanticized? LOL. Since always I’ve been able to recognize that there was something really rotten about how romance and sex are understood and portrayed in the patriarchy and I wish clarity for every woman and girl on this planet in order to see it too.
smash said: April 2, 201210:26 pm
What is interesting about this book, and about The Story of O, is that they are written by women. These women have so internalized their oppression that they are handing it back to other women in the form of “empowerment”. I’ve even heard 50 Shades described as having “revitalized women’s marriages”; as if convincing women to PIV their Nigels is a positive thing.
Again, I’m blaming the culture; not the women who have internalized the “male dominance is erotic” narrative.
karmarad said: April 3, 20126:37 am
Nobody human wants to be hurt.
Period.How sad, that benighted women react in male-defined masculine fetishistic perversions. It’s a psychopathology. They need help.
Who can be anything but terribly sad. There is no joy here. It is so dreadful to become an object. Sickening. Please think about that, women. Run from it. You can.
lizor said: April 3, 201212:07 pm
The Story of O was written after the author’s lover tossed her aside for a younger woman. I guess the idea was that her complete body and soul devotion to the assh*l*’s superficial power trip would get him back. It’s painfully sad.
Witch, I get what you mean by the orgasm being male centric. It is hard to make a case for this as women’s pleasure has been so constantly erased, marginalized or co-opted, it is still very much a foreign territory. I do think that the focus on a linear-style climax which is consistent with male excitement and ejaculation disorients us from our own bodily joy and pleasure. And I loath the trope that insists that if I am not a sexual masochist and am both unhip and repressed.
tiamathydra said: April 3, 20123:12 pm
I believe those women (both this one and the one who wrote Story of O) have been asked to write those books, or have been directly handed those books but asked to figure as their author publically. I know there are people who disagree but it’s just my opinion, maybe it’s too conspirational, but I honestely believe the level of conspiracy in the patriarchy to keep women enslaved is very high.
ethicalequinox said: April 4, 20123:01 am
I was talking with a group of younger women – late 20s to mid 30s – about the Edward character in Twilight. I told them in so many words that everything about Edward screams “creepy stalker guy who would probably kill you if you dared to break up with him”; you know, the kind you hear about on the news about every other week. Their response? Oh no, he’s just so in love with her and he doesn’t want her to get hurt by anyone (else, I suppose, is the word they forgot to tag on at the end here).
Jesus christ, Harry Potter was radical feminist manifesto compared to the shit that Twilight and this now a Fifty Shades of Grey* are teaching girls/women…
*Oooooh, is that a reference to moral ambiguity in a sexxxxxxay book? How subversive of them! Give them some po-mo cookies for that one stat!
m Andrea said: April 4, 20124:52 am
Freedom is slavery.
Submissiveness is empowering.
How el bizarro that they don’t apply that “principle” to racism.
m Andrea said: April 4, 20124:57 am
I meant, that if the “principle” they used was any good, then it would work on any subject. Obviously the orgasm is supposed to be a special snowflake exemption. Ha, ANY OTHER subject would also have to be an exemption. Which is why the “principle” sucks.
rainsinger said: April 4, 20126:11 am
How el bizarro that they don’t apply that “principle” to racism.
*nodding*. I went to an anti-porn feminist workshop several years ago, where they showed different sexes and different races switched around in various dom/sub sexualised imagery and scenarios. Interesting how the audience automatically recoiled at obviously racialised images of sexual dominance and submission. Indigenous peoples or poc are not expected to respond with sexual arousal and pleasure to images of these same peoples in overtly sexualised lynching/whipping poses etc? Only with females is it considered totally socially acceptable, and even “desirable”. Or even ‘feminist’ – which is where I get rather angry.
If there was similar celebration of consensual masochistic sexual torture of Black people, would they call it “empowering” for Black people? A “celebration” of their progress in achieving human and civil rights and building a non-racist world? If there was similar celebration of consensual masochistic sexual torture of Jewish people, or communists, or environmental activists, would this sexualisation be seen as an essential and critical part of these people’s social-political identity, and necessary for their socio-political struggles? For women to promote this behaviour as ‘feminist’, is the ultimate insult. That is like poc saying “please enslave us, please whip us and lynch us, for its my right to consent to slavery, to further empower us “. But am totally anti-racist and pro-civil rights etc… DUH ?…. Does not compute. Its like folks into practising bestiality, then turning around and saying they are pro-animal rights activists! (And promoting sexual bestiality as “liberating” for the animals)
Marcia said: April 4, 20129:10 am
This book is just another example of the terribly adverse affects that so much of the media that is disseminated has on our society. Freedom is not slavery. Submissiveness is not empowering. (Although at the time it may seem so because the ‘sub’ reserves the right to utter the safe word and ‘sets’ the boundaries. I used to be in a lesbian BDSM relationship, so I am well aware of the promotion of ‘the sub holds all the power rhetoric.”) And BDSM erotica is not feminist. These ‘principles’ can not be applied to empower any oppressed group of people (ie women, lesbians, people of color, etc). These ‘principles’ are just more propaganda tools to be utilized in further attempts to socialize women to enjoy sexual and other forms of domination.
smash said: April 4, 20122:44 pm
Rainsinger, what a great example that is. Thank you for sharing.
Marcia said: April 4, 20125:28 pm
Ditto. That is a really good example Rainsinger.
Hecuba said: April 4, 201210:31 pm
As always the issue of racism applies only to males never to females. Pornstitution is littered literally with men subjecting women of colour and women of non-white ethnic origins to sexual violence and sadistic sexualised torture and the general public ‘doesn’t bat an eyelid.’ Only when these images are juxtaposed wherein it is non-white men who are the ones being subjected to racism and sadistic sexual violence is there an outrcry of ‘racism’ racism.’ All women are dehumanised beings according to Male Supremacy and the Male Supremacist System has successfully conned many many women into believing being men’s disposable sexual service stations is the epitome of what it means to be a female. That is a dehumanised female who has no autonomous desires or ambitions apart from passively accepting men’s sadistic sexual violence as supposedly ‘empowering.’
Denial is a very powerful weapon because for many women recognising the reality of male domination and male control over women and their lives means what women believe to be ‘reality’ is not reality but just men’s lies. Not forgetting denial is a coping strategy because for women it is far easier to deny the truth and claim ‘I am really in control’ or ‘I am empowered’ because all too often reality is too horrible to accept. Loving to Survive by Dee Graham et al analyses and explains why so many, many women prefer to deny their reality than take a long hard look at men’s definition of women’s reality and experiences.
smash said: April 4, 201210:34 pm
Hecuba, thanks for your comment. I encourage everyone to read Graham’s Loving to Survive; both yourself and KatieS recommended it to me, and it changed my perspective a great deal.
Denial is such a coping strategy! Women don’t want to recognize that men enjoy dehumanizing and degrading them. That’s because it’s such a difficult reality.
tiamathydra said: April 4, 201211:47 pm
It may be difficult but isn’t it also difficult to capitulate? And if all women would face that reality, it would become less difficult because we’d all support our sisters in many ways and validate their suffering.
I think in the long term it’s more difficult to capitulate than to rebel, because if you capitulate you escape from facing the horrendous truth, but in the long term the horrendous truth will get to you and will make you ill, ignorant, poor, exploited, degraded and vampirized. That’s why I don’t know why the hell women are into denial… women who don’t have independence options it’s clear why they capitulate, survival, and these women get radical feminism easily bc they’re very oppressed but not that brainwashed -not necessary.
My question is why western women with some options and even middle-class career women are still capitulating? Why?! It drives me insane. Gail Dines in her book Pornland asks the same question and she concludes human beings are cultural beings vulnerable to indoctrination and construct our reality based on what we see, and since we’re social beings we don’t want to get ostracized either so those are powerful forces being used to enforce heteronormativity and the nuclear family.
I guess that’s true, but some of us have been immune enough to that and we’ve rebelled and faced the truth – yes, it’s really horrendous and beyond, but I bet none of us would return to ignorance and turn her feminist awakening down if we had the chance, and that’s because of a reason -this is ultimately worthwhile and there are rewards to it, if only merely spiritual, but capitulating ends up in a lose-lose game. And for Goddess’ sake, our foremothers have fought hard for the little choices of independence we have now… women should use them.
Amananta said: April 5, 20123:00 am
BDSM is also racist, hearkening back as it does to tools and practices “borrowed” from the antebellum South’s era of slavery of African-Americans. They hold “slave auctions” as frequent tool of humiliation and praise used on subs/slaves in the scene. The slaves sold are required o do whatever their new masters want. Horrifyingly, I’ve seen this trickle into popular culture in schools and high schools as a “fun game” and money raiser for charities. Is it any wonder the “Scene” is largely white people? There are exceptions, of course, but really – look at any online site with pictures, at any public gathering (they gather in public frequently, despite their whining about their “oppression”.)
karmarad said: April 5, 20123:07 am
The story of the Story of O is that the author’s mentor and lover of a dozen years, Jean Paulhan, who reminds me of Dominique Strauss-Kahn because he was much older than she and a libertine and [literary] lion, told her a woman couldn’t write erotica. He had other lovers and it’s true she thought that she could capture him back using the written word. She was 47 and said she wasn’t particularly pretty. By most accounts she did not write for publication, and read her work to him in parking lots and so forth (his wife had Parkinson’s). He thought there was money to be made and got Olympia Press (famous for obscenity prosecutions) involved. The publisher, M. Girodias, got a quickndirty translation into English and the show was on. The writer, Dominique Aury, was a respected literary figure who didn’t reveal that she wrote the book for 40 years except to close friends.
Paulhan died and Aury stayed alive into the late 1990s when she died at 90, saying her life was over when he died decades earlier. I keep thinking of that ass Strauss-Kahn and his wife, the one with the money, who has supported every disgusting thing he’s done, from the “rutting chimp” days on. Now he’s in the indictment process for pimping and I wonder how long the wife will continue defending him. French women are in an especially difficult position because their bourgeois culture is still based around mistresses and cool chain-smoking ugly intellectual men like Sartre. It’s a strange little tangent they’ve been on for 50 years.
Mavis Mantis said: April 6, 201212:00 am
This book that you’re describing sounds horrible. I just wanted to say that erotica books that are written under female pen names are not always written by women. I have a male acquaintance who writes erotica novels under a female pen name, because they’re written for women and they sell better that way. He seems like a nice enough guy. I took a Reiki class with him in real life, and he was (and still is) very heartbroken over a wife who he was married to for several decades and who died several years ago. The stuff that he writes is more romantic, not like this crap, so I have no problem with that personally. But I just wanted to let you know that these erotica books supposedly written by women are not always written by women.
Elin said: April 7, 201211:12 am
Isn’t it remarkable nice of these male writers to reserve the emmmpowerfullizing stuff in BDSM erotica always to women?
Like, in virually ALL other books of men, the male persons always do all the powerful stuff. But somehow, when it comes to BDSM erotica, they refrain from empowerfullizing men and give the women all the powerrrr… *cough*
endurovet said: April 9, 20123:20 am
“orgasms are pitiful substitutes for dignity” – Zeph, this hit me like the proverbial slap in the face. How right you are, how right indeed!
Maggie said: April 9, 20125:24 am
I am literally fed up with ‘feminists’ who keep defending pornography, prostitution & BDSM and who keep supporting rape culture. BDSM and porn aren’t feminist, for Goddess’ sake.
Thank you so much for this post, Smash. I always love it when feminists oppose BDSM (lesbian or het). It’s the most radical challenge ever to the rape culture out there!
Women need to withdraw ‘consent’ and refuse to re-enact the symbols of captivity, rape, torture and slavery as a ‘turn-on’. Women have to politically rebel against their own degradation.
Feuerwerferin said: April 9, 20129:22 am
BDSM is not only racist it is also antisemit. Black clothes and lethear are inspired by the Nazis (SS) and Foucault for example wrote that it turned him on to reanact the suffering of the Jews. The Nazis that still exist in Germany also seem to be above-average into BDSM and it’s women who are humiliated and of course not men. They don’t bother to lie about empowerfization unlike the self-proclaimed “progressives”. So, do male Nazis just not realize that they are indeed and consequently against their own very intention empowering women through their fetishes although they promote childbearing and housewives (conservatism)? *cough*
m Andrea said: April 16, 20127:04 pm
Two things: First to the moderator, thank you very much for not posting my previous comment in it’s entirety, it definitely needed editing! And thank you Rainsinger for your insightful comment — that discreptancy (hypocrisy really) between how people respond to sexist violence and how people respond to racist violence is exactly the thing which drives me nuts, yet I do an absolutely lousy job of articulating it. So thank you both again. Anyway, second thing:
The enjoyment these women feel is described by Dee Graham in her book Loving to Survive as Societal Stockholm Syndrome. Because women as a group cannot escape from men, we have found ways of dealing with their violent and destructive behavior. We eroticize it, and internalize the desire for it. As Cherry Blossom Life says, “Perhaps when women talk about the empowerment of submissiveness, they are actually talking about the power of the double bluff: “You want to hurt me? Screw you; you’ll never hurt me more than I want to be hurt myself.””
That. I noticed from a very early age that so many men use the tradtional pattern of domination/submission in their relationships with women, so I personally decided that the healthiest thing for me would be to have as little to do with men as possible. And I have NEVER been able to figure out why more women don’t come to the same conclusion. It’s like women are pre-committed to the idea that they simply MUST have relationships with men — and no other option is possible — no matter how harmful those relationships actually are. For most women, the option to disengage from relationships with men, doesn’t exist.
And please don’t tell me that their failure to recognize all of their options is exclusively caused by “external cultural brainwashing”. I was exposed to the exact same bullshit and you don’t see me falling for it. Sure I’m stuck on the same planet with men, but that doesn’t mean I have to engage in relationships with men, or accept men’s justifications for romanticized violence against women. An internal reason must exist which drives women to accept externally imposed male authored justifications — and I suspect that internal reason might be women’s own lust for cock. If they can’t find a penis which isn’t poisoned by toxic masculinity, then they’ll still take the poisoned one. The reason they hate themselves is not merely because of externally imposed negativity (which is harmful in and of itself), it’s because they realize that they’re voluntarily swallowing what they already know to be poison.
Just as men hate themselves (and project that hatred onto women) for allowing their sexual desire to influence their behavior, so too do women hate themselves for desiring an abuser. The only difference is, women take their self-hatred and completely internalize it onto themselves and other women. one theory, anyway…
Maria said: April 19, 20125:31 am
Finally, I found a review that doesn’t try to defend 50 Shades of Gray as an example of respecting women’s “choices.” 50 Shades of Gray is anti-feminist backlash. Thanks for the review.
Alouette said: April 20, 20125:14 am
@m Andrea, I do think there is an internal reason, but I disagree that reason is women’s unbridled “lust for cock.” Sorry, but that would be hilarious if it wasn’t for the context. There are some exceptions out there (although I question how they came to be exceptions), but those obsessed with phallics and bulging muscles are the males themselves. I’m of the opinion that many women who identify as heterosexual, perhaps especially the ones that can’t imagine themselves without men, probably wouldn’t have sex at all—and certainly not with males—if it weren’t a cultural requirement for their existing. Anyway, that’s another post…
No, the reason they remain in unhappy marriages and such is because, unlike males, they actually care about their sons, husbands, brothers, and other male friends and family members. Males exploited women’s capacity to love, and like parasites they’ve attached themselves to women in every aspect of our lives. It’s virtually impossible to not be connected to one in some way unless you go out of your way to severe those ties. Destroy the family unit and more women will be able to step back and view men from an objective perspective. Otherwise you’re telling them that their sons and “hubbies” are rapists. I was trying to explain how bad they are for us to another (lesbian) woman and she refused to listen because of her friendship with her twin brother. It doesn’t have anything to do with sex.
There is one thing I’ve noticed that definitely does hold women back: the belief you can “fix” males or “save” them from masculinity. Even in the comments of a well-known radfem blog (the name of which I won’t mention) there was a woman lamenting that she *gasp* had considered giving up on males altogether until her Nigel came along. (presumably with the sun shining out his ass) Women really need to keep prince charming in the books and fanfiction because he doesn’t exist in reality. The sooner they accept that the better. That’s why I internally applaud when some obtuse MRA type goes on a public tirade about how women aren’t doing enough to ingratiate themselves to males. There is a particularly repulsive one at my university, and you can literally see the disgust on women’s faces when he speaks. I only hope they realize he’s right when he says the numbers of males like him are in the thousands and growing.
As for why some women have their awakening more readily than others, well, it’s probably just a matter of personality and lifetime experiences.
Sally Archer said: April 21, 20125:52 am
Tonight abc 2020 (with a beautiful, feminine woman hostess who has zero authentic feminist analysis) is featuring 50 Shades of Grey and further normalizing male domination of co-opted and colonized women. The footage of workshops being held for women trying to learn how to do BDSM (fanfictive from the book audience) is truly stomach-turning. But I don’t blame women in this force-fed pornographic man-stream media culture as hostessed by fembot token torturers. This smiling horror show is on in the background (abc 2020) as I read this blog; the second course is married (husband-wife) couples who are swingers, now normalizing that male fantasy in mainstream/manstream TV land. The third course of abc 2020 tonight is a beautiful, rich, blonde, under-40 woman being described as “empowered” and exercising “her choice” because she can hire a younger, studly male “escort.”
When Robin Morgan and Andrea Dworkin wrote 40+years ago about the liberal-pornographic sell-out of second-wave feminism to hotness and male domination and female-erasure aka women’s adoption of male values, little could they have known.
Today the extent to which females of all ages have been injected with the male-dominant media brainwashing (on c-phones and pda’s, on laptops and browsers, on billboards, in movies, on TV, via piped-in music) and mass-produced consumer options (from t-shirts to 3rd-grade girls whose working-class parents are being sold, without affordable or available other options, dress-up shoes with little high heels) is an assault to a whole female consciousness in virtually every public space.
Shopping today because I really did need a new t-shirt (and there was a huge sale), the once dignified anchor store in a mall had inane, anti-woman lyrics set to the piped-in music played about 3 times louder than it would have been played 10 years ago. I asked the cashier if the music bothered her because, although I also told her I realized it wasn’t her fault or policy she’d set, it was so intrusive to my mind that I couldn’t stay in the store one minute longer. The cashier (late 20′s) told me that she was “just numb” to it. We had a brief and true feminist discussion but unless the current system crashes or she gets incredibly lucky, what are the good options for her finding better work in a money system run by men, really?
Not that I want to return to wearing the blinders that kept me from seeing the truth. Having set myself free is its own reward, tough though it is to be free in a captive state. I watch all the great women around me being culturally required (for social survival) to practice femininity, and I know that as more of us see, more of us have the chance collectively to get free. And that’s why men hate radical feminists.
Once a critical mass of women get in our bones how hollow are the patriarchy’s rewards (and fleeting, don’t I know, now being in my late 50′s and having no looks to trade against male cultural punishments), mensgame ends. At least I can hope.
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So funny – thankyou! I’m looking forward to your next post.
This is great. I haven’t read the books, nor do I intend to, but this is fantastic!
Oh, thank you for reading Fifty Shapes of Graves, so that I don’t have to! And those pants ‘hanging from his hips’… my eldest son (23, 5’10, 8 stone) has pants that do that. BECAUSE HE IS CRIMINALLY THIN! Does this man have no actual, you know BODY, for his pants to hang from?
Tch.
Excellent stuff, I’ve read the first two ‘Grey’s and have to admit that I agree it’s proper mindless escapism. If I’d been reading it for the literary content I’d have given up at her irritation over her hair and her best friend having the ‘flu on puprose (cos that’s not cliched at all, right?). I can only assume that the writer has made Ana a typical skinny klutz who doesn’t realise she’s beautiful and is still a virgin at, what, 23? so that it gives us all hope.
Oh, and along with the palazzo pant hanging-off-hip thang that Chris has going on, what I also couldn’t quite get my head round was HOW ON EARTH grey eyes ‘flame and burn’. Really? Grey smouldering eyes? How’s that work?
And as for the flippin ‘Inner Goddess’ who insists on hanging around Ana all the time – Aaaaarrrgh! Someone could have made much better use of those cable ties and masking tape!
Keep reading – I want 50 more laughs please!
Amazing. 🙂
Wonderful! Thanks for that! I knew I would hate the writing in ‘fifty shades of grey’ and now not only do I not have to read it, I have laughed myself stupid not reading it.
I should have been working half an hour ago, but I justified reading to the bottom on the grounds that laughing out loud first thing in the morning is very good for me. I am following your blog immediately for the same reason…
Oh dear. Honestly, I’ve read another Twilight porn-fic (I initially thought this was it; it is extremely similar) and it’s not as bad as this. Do people not understand that there’s shit like this, for free, and much better-written, all over the damn internet?
But this was hilarious. I haven’t read the stupid book, but you can prolly tell I’ve read enough shitty fanfic to appreciate it.
I love this so much I am going to marry it. Said EL James.
“Licking her name tag” had me laughing out loud 😀 I haven’t read the book yet (I did intend to… now I’m not so keen!).
One of the best reviews I’ve read! But wait, there’s more! http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/gatecrasher/el-james-rewrite-best-seller-50-shades-grey-billionaire-view-article-1.1093837
Well done. I suffered through this tripe as well. I just had to see if, maybe, it somehow took a turn for the better. Absolutely not. It’s amazing what can get published and sell. I wrote a review on my book blog (http://www.booksinjersey.com/2012/06/holy-crap.html) if you’d like to check it out.
This is awesome. You echoed some of my sentiments exactly. I was laughing out loud at parts of your post. If you decide to read the second book, I would love to read your thoughts on it. I cannot even bring myself to finish the first one.
I have fallen flat on my ass as I stood to leave at the end of a job interview. Does that count? 😉
I once stood to leave on day one of new job, but my top didn’t make the journey with me! Way to start a new job with boss leaning over me and seeing all there was to offer as shirt had ripped open. It’s taken me 15 years (and a move half way across the world) to laugh about that.
I think this is fabulous – I look forward to the follow ups having felt compelled to read all 3 books this weekend in the hope they’d get better (I’m afraid they don’t, but Hell, she’s doing alright out of it!). I look forward to the million mentions of ‘oh my…’ a phrase that I will never be able to hear again without wanting to slap someone. I didn’t know until yesterday that they’d been based on Twilight fan fiction but it all makes sense now as I disliked Ana as much as – possibly even more than – Bella. Bring me a sensible ‘heroine’, please!!
Fabulous! It sounds like reading one page of this book would drive me to distraction. Had to share this on FB as so many of my friends were buying this series. I’ve obviously been doing the wrong things, as a writer: trying to make sense, avoid cliches, etc.
“I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people.”
A gut instinct that nurtures ideas and people?????? Oh, my.
Everyone I know is reading these books and I have resisted because of awful reviews and a feeling that I’d hate them. Your wonderful piece, that had me laughing out loud, has convinced me not to go near them. Thanks!! :-))
[…] I posted my article “Fifty Things That Annoy Me About Fifty Shades Of Grey”, it’s become by far my most popular blog entry. Lots of you have mentioned it in various […]
Love this, thought I was the only one who thought the book was awful, I’m not even half way through it as it’s not worth reading.
linked here by a friend.
You’ve made my day…perhaps even, two days.
Thank you.
Is it bad that I laughed so much, that I almost want to read the book now?
(I said almost. I will never actually read it. Life is too short )
This is just brilliant.. I got thought about half of fity shades of silly before I gave up . My only concern is missing your next 50
This post is so hilarious, Cassandra ~ I can see why you were asked to write a book. I have tears from laughing so hard, I’m not kidding. My kids think I’ve lost my mind. Again..
Can’t wait to read your book.
I haven’t read 50 shades and don’t intend to..
Well written! I burst out laughing at this one instead of 50shades. Better review than mine by loads, obviously because I either don’t know how to give a book rwview without imparting some details on it in case of ‘spoilers’.
“As I hit the I-5, I realise I can drive as fast as I want.”
– i might live in the area this is set it, but this scares me to think this woman would not do the research, which even on local news sites, would have shown we don’t call Interstate 5 by the, whatsoever. ‘hit I-5’ or ‘get on I-5’ or ‘cruise I-5’… /local-centric rant
“That night I dream of dark places, bleak cold white floors, and grey eyes.”
– i think the real problem with this is the order these are in and that she doesn’t mention how the ‘dark places’ are really just a shadowy place. learn to describe better and people won’t nitpick at these things.
“I shake my head to gather my wits.”
– you have to have them to start with Ana. sane people only do this to clear their head, so if you’re doing it to gather our wits, you’ve obviously got nothing to gather.
“He gazes at the selection of cable ties we stock at Clayton’s. What on Earth is he going to do with those?
…”Is there anything else?”
“I’d like some masking tape…no, [I’m] not redecorating,” he says quickly then smirks….”And some rope, I think.”
– knowing and living with people in the BDSM community, i know that no one would go into a DIY store, buy their supplies, and then make small talk with the personnel in the check-out. only place they will make small talk at is a place which legit BDSM supplies, because they know the people there understand the lifestyle.
His tongue caresses my name, and my heart once again is frantic.
– any time i read something similar, i facepalm at the fact that the author is trying to give us this sensual imagery and failing horribly. please, don’t, i beg you.
I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side.
– i have. i don’t know about Portland, but in Seattle, no one would look twice at them. it might look strange, but no one’s going to do much about it around here, and i bet the same would go for Portland, if what my sister’s told me holds any weight.
I remind myself that Kate has been to the best private schools in Washington. Her family has money, and she’s grown up confident and sure of her place in the world.
– the amount of private schools in WA is very few, so the author could have looked one up and picked it instead of being vague. children of rich parents rarely grow up ‘confident and sure of her place in the world’ because there is some kind of neglect, whether the parents aren’t always there or the privilege of finance gets to them. also, if Kate was raised so well in WA, she wouldn’t have gone to Portland, she would have stayed in WA or gone away from the NW all together, for something better, not something as mediocre as WA.
overall, i think its time i put The Borrower series on hold once more so that i might read this first book, so i might be able to complain with proper knowledge of the problems. i’ll be doing that with the Twilight series soon enough.
I think you might have to let the comments about Ana’s dreams pass, as dreams are often incomprehensible and contradictory in my experience
But otherwise, this is brilliant. I m almost tempted to read FSOG now .
that is true, and in the review i’m putting together as i read, it’s not something pointed out. most of my responses are based on Cass’ above, but on my own reading, some of these changed. thankfully, the first issue was not put in print, but that is honestly the only difference between the e-book and the printed versions.
[…] “consumed by the need to control.” The novel was originally Twilight fan fiction, and some have pointed out Ana’s similarities to Bella Swan, among them clumsiness and a often-mentioned love for […]
I haven’t read the book, and don’t plan on it, especially now. I laughed so hard at your response I don’t think I would get anywhere near the enjoyment out of the book that I got out of your post! Thanks for the entertaining review.
I haven’t read *that* book but your post was very funny and I look forward to reading more of them. *goes off to visit Heidi’s blog*
This is hilarious.
On the plus side, this post gave me a greater appreciation of Freddy Mercury. I thought I just liked Queen because the songs were catchy.
Thanks for this! Made me laugh out loud – not great when I’m drinking tea! Oh my (as Anastasia would say). I also hated the constant references to Grey’s pants ‘hanging from his hips’ – wtaf??? – but found the book oddly compelling. But it really should have been copy-edited….
So glad it wasn’t just me that thought that book was a pile of poo!
FANBLOODYTASTIC!
Im actually reading the trilogy now (shock! or rather “oh my”) and Im enjoying them in such a whimsical way (and so is MOH, to be honest) but I LOVED your words. Laughed so loud, my secretary came in to see what I was doing … obviously I was in trouble as I wasn’t doing my work … something wrong with our relationship … maybe I should write about it …hmmmm
Anyway – cheers for the effort – really, really funny …
I think I love you. this made me do big lols all over myself!
so i’m finally reading the series and i’ve noticed something of a difference between the US and the UK edition: instead of the whole ‘the I-5’, it is just referred to at Interstate 5, which is just as annoying because almost no one calls it that, especially those of us who live around it. i think it’s almost as annoying as the issue you encounter in the UK edition.
I haven’t read the book but this post is hilarious. Thanks for brightening my day. Our modem has stopped working but this was so worth reading (and doggedly tapping out this response) on my tiny htc phone. Loved how you spotted a new, weird, erotic activity: name-badge licking. Haha! Will disturb retail assistants everywhere. Another work, then, for my NTBR pile.
Lately, I had amused myself with the idea of slinging a few gratuitous SM vampires in my WIP but I honestly wouldn’t be able to write them for laughing. However, I admire those who are able to write them well – e.g. loved Blade. Looking forward to more of your posts. That was just so funny and glad you got Borat in there, pants hanging from his shoulders and all. So there *is* somewhere else from which to hang them! 🙂
LoveloveLOVE this post – and I am totally in awe of your finishing the book. I decided the whole thing had totally jumped the shark as soon as she mentioned popsicles and put it in a charity bag. I’ve given books up because I’m not enjoying them, but this was the first I’d ever stopped reading because I was angry I’d wasted money on it. I really wish I’d seen your blog first – I agree with every word!
Absolutely wonderful. And makes you wonder if you ever do anything like that in your own books.
[…] Fifty Shades of Grey is the latest in the “what’s all the fuss” club. I haven’t read. I won’t read based on some very valued opinions who have and the fact that, well, the small bits I have read are, in my opinion, a literary disaster. But Parkin has read the first novel and as a result she’s written her “Fifty Things That Annoy Me About Fifty Shades Of Grey.” […]
I totally lost it at the “licking her name badge” part. 😀 Great!
And now, of course, there’s THIS:
http://www.penguin.co.uk/static/cs/uk/0/static/baredtoyou/index.html
‘Twilight’ has so much to be ashamed of. Sad.
Can I add one of my annoyances? Why does a girl, raised in the south, living outside of Portland, refer to an elevator as a lift and baby carriage as a pram?
Funniest thing I’ve read in ages. Brilliant.
Great review! I read the first chapter free on Amazon and it is dire.
Is anyone actually buying and reading this book? In paperback, as opposed to Kindle?
I’m sure it will sell respectably as an ebook, especially if cheap and out of curiosity value, but I’ve not seen anyone reading it in print anywhere, especially on the train, which is unusual. I remember the Larsson books…everyone had one of those open at one point on the daily commute.
This is brilliant – utterly brilliant! I’m so looking forward to your e-book.
Brilliant! Just found this on twitter! Thought the book was rubbish, thought it was just me. You’ve said it all!
Come off it, there’s no way Anastasia keeps her brain in a jar. An egg-cup, maybe…
Hehee, I’m halfway through the first book. I hope you add to your analysis!
Love it! As someone else commented on LinkedIn, now I won’t have to torture myself by reading the book. Thanks for taking on the misery for those of us as yet uninitiated to the orgasmic world of Grey! :>
I’ve never read the book, my girlfriend did, and despite claiming to enjoy it, she still won’t let me hit her repeatedly anywhere, let alone in the bedroom.
Reading your blog though, I’m stuck dumb by the fact that a multi-millionaire can afford a pair (perhaps several) of trousers that fit him properly. Oh to be so wealthy as to afford pants that hang from my hips. Being merely normal, mine hang from all sorts of places, my knees, my fingerti[ps, I even have a pair that hang over the radiator in the bathroom when it’s raining outside and I can’t be bothered running the tumble dryer
Brilliant, love your observations!! I managed to get through a third of the book before turfing it out … luckily for Ms James, her publisher must’ve been smoking mushrooms for it to end up on the shelves!!!
Laugh out loud funny! I am sharing this blog faster than Ana decided she liked being spanked. More please!
I could not agree more. I could, however, agree with more cussing and general fear for the population making this book popular.
Oh. Are there no vampires in it, then? It’s *only* about BDSM? Oh. *Still* prefer your post than the idea of wasting time reading this book. And, as Lesley Cookman says, it’s made me hyper-aware whilst working on mine 🙂
Just stumbled about this and it’s a ge, Probably I should include it in my list of the best (as in: funniest) reviews of “Fifty Shades” I’ve ever read. I wrote a post on the ridiculous tratment that food gets in this piece of fiction 9calling it “literature” is an insult to literature I guess)- have a look if you want and thanks again for this brilliant read
http://intothefworld.wordpress.com/2012/06/19/why-fifty-shades-of-grey-makes-for-an-unappetising-read/
[…] I won’t talk about the book itself as I am no literary critic and don’t want to spoil your pleasure of discovering the complex, unpredictable plot and the finely chiselled characters yourself. If you’re interested in reviews, I think I I couldn’t do any better than some brilliant, brilliant people who wrote incredibly witty reviews on Amazon (my favourites are “Unintentionally hilarious!” and “Unadulterated Tosh“- another brilliant read is “Adventures in Trash: 50 things that annoy me about 50 Shades of Grey“). […]
Very funny blog, really enjoyed reading!
On number 27…. a hawk is a tool for holding cement on while plastering with a trowel. Not that knowing a joiner would enable you to distinguish one from a saw, as a joiner wouldn’t use one. Or maybe they did just mean a big bird!
HOW AND WHY WAS THIS PUBLISHED? Apologies for the caps – I’m really quite hysterical right now.
i have been thinking the same thing while reading this book. it’s like a rough draft, in some of the context, spelling and grammatical errors, and some for this to have been published with these problems really says that something is wrong with the company that published it.
It’s because it was fanfiction. The original publishers were set up purely to publish fanfiction from the web. The closest it has been to an editor is a fanfiction beta writer. THAT is why it reads as unedited – because it is. The WHY is because it was a very popular fanfiction, so the author thought ‘bugger writing this for free’ and pulled it, changed the names from Twilight names and hey presto, millions of pounds
It has taken me15 minutes just to read up to number 26. I need to keep stopping for breathers as I am laughing so hard. I quite literally spat my coffee at my computer (and I may have wet myself but let’s just gloss over this point). I am contemplating filming myself reading the next 20 or so just to reward you as I think you’d be astonished at how hilarious I find your writing, but you might also be a little scared… Brilliance.
Ha! this has made me laugh out loud – i was similarly annoyed by this book, but you’re lucky you didn’t go for the audiobook as I mistakenly did. it was AWFUL!!!
My review is over at http://normalinlondon.wordpress.com/2012/06/19/fifty-shades-of-grey-e-l-james/ if you’re interested 😉
I started reading this book earlier this afternoon, and I have barely just made it to chapter two of this shiteyshiteshite book.
Not because I am illiterate or anything, but I think this ridiculous excuse of an author might just be. This book is almost impossible for anyone who has passed kindergarten to read.
Every.single. point you raised I agree with.
I think I am going to have to go and get pissed and then have another crack at making it through this chapter. I am sure being drunk might make it better.
(also, how did you fare with the constant creepy referral to his long fingers – all I can picture now is ET with hair and a grey suit. Also how many fucking WHITE LEATHER LOUNGES are there in this freaking building!!!).
*Pulls on combat boots and prepares to do battle with chapter two* Wish me luck!!
the difference between a hawk and a handsaw is actually a famous Shakespearean quote…
[…] Because these books are crap and nothing will persuade me otherwise. I can that understand if you read it out of curiosity because that was the emotion that first lead me between the pages of this so-called ‘Mummy Porn’ too. But you didn’t have to enjoy it. […]
Forget the hair, the most overused description is his long index finger. It’s used about ten times during the interview. The ‘hawk and handsaw’ reference is so poorly used! It’s almost she’s saying “look at me, I’ve read Hamlet and I’m going to throw the reference in at the slightest mention of DIY!”
Reblogged this on 5 Degrees Of Inspiration.
I laughed so hard. I haven’t read the book yet, and i wasn’t really planning on it. I read twilight when it first came out because of all the hullaballoo, but I didn’t see what the big deal was about. I’m assuming this is in the same vein, except not so pg. I like reading things and pointing out various annoying things too. This was really entertaining!
That was so bloody funny cant wait for more ….
I grew up in Portland and we never referred to elevators as “lifts” or baby carriages as “prams,” as Jen sharply notes in her comment. But kudos to E.L. James for creatively re-imagining all Portlanders as Hugh Grant. Ah, the freedom of fiction…
[…] read worse. A lot worse. No, really. (However, if you are interested in a takedown on the writing, Fifty Things that Annoy Me about ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is a very funny […]
Thank you. This is wonderful! It so sums up my feelings of badly written, 50 Shades of Shite! My 35 year old daughter and her friends think it’s amazing, Yet they can’t explain why. All want a Christian Grey! It’s escapism I suppose when you’re locked in marriages with small kids, sleepless nights and grumpy men. How can anyone see this geezer as a knight in shining armour? Why would anyone want a control freak? He’s not even sexy with his low-slung pants. Give me a mature wrinkly any day who long ago hung up his hang ups and knows how to make a woman feel good – minus the whips and cable ties! Look forward to reading more.
My daughter has downloaded 50 Shades of Grey to our Kindle account. I am still in two minds about reading it myself. This blog post about the book is very funny and I have taken the liberty of sharing on my Facebook page for my own book review blog.
Thank you, this was SO much fun.
[…] been a lot of fuss over Fifty Shades of Grey recently, so I thought I’d tell you a bit about the first book I read that had some S&M […]
Reblogged this on Mersey writer about town and commented:
Funny!
A truly dreadful book in every way. Sad, that young women blindly reach for it, like lemmings because mass media has told them too. Disturbing, that they then bill & coo over Christian as if he is some kind of God to women. These same women don’t even actually know what a BDSM relationship is. All that matters is that this guy is rich and good looking.
It is a product of shameless mass marketing; a plot line an ape could grasp and filled out with a type of sex that is perceived to the uneducated as smutty and sensationalist.
My local supermarket is using it as a loss leader in the fruit and vegetable section. No doubt they are hoping that mindless absorption of it throughout the store will lead to further lemming like shopping.
I am weeping with laughter. I can only conclude that the author has never met a corporate businessman, has only had the most uptight of mediocre sex and like vast numbers of the general public has no clue what bdsm actually is. A twenty-seven year old billionaire who is about as clued up on business as my cat? (Actually my cat is probably a lot more ruthless). A girl who is a complete drip. The characters are also cardboard cut-outs with zero personality. Whoopee do! I am penniless, but I would happily let the moths out of my wallet to buy 50 Shades Snark!!
Brilliant! This sums it up, but I’ve definitely got at least fifty of my own pet hates about it! I borrowed it from the library, so happy I didn’t pay for it. At least I now have an informed opinion about it, and that is the best thing I can say!
Thank you very much for this blog. I now don’t need to read the book so can devote more reading time to classic British novels. And admiring Sacha Baron-Cohen’s beachwear!
It seems that many (many many many) people do hate these books. My question would be why are there so many readers then? I think that all the buzz/likes/dislikes/critiques are only a form of advertising and the more people talk about the book the more interest it is going to create. Therefore, more readers and more cash flowing into EL James’s account. I have read the books, had to, just to see why it caused such a stir. It is badly written, it is repetitive, it is badly edited (if at all) but there is something about it that makes people read it. From EL James’s point of view, who cares? Good on her. I wish her well but beg her not to write any other books. The world could be spared another trauma.
Niina
There’s definitely a word of mouth “thing” (quoting 50SG there) going on – I have to say I was curious. Had provoked a great and amusing debate amongst us split into the “it’s a pile of poorly written shite and really not what one would be reading for any titilation” vs “This is jolly good fun, tee hee”. Having read some fan fic (mainly the TV show “Bones”, keeps me going through the summer hiatus) this seems to be about par for the course, no better or worse than something average in that realm written by someone who can vaguely string a sentence and some cliches together.
You are right, good on her, British writer and all, it’s just not giving British writers a very good name and very soon we wil no longer be swimming in Great British Novels.
Congratulations on your ebook! I look forward to reading it. But do I have to read the original to really appreciate it?
I laughed so hard I think I may have ruptured something-thank you,hilarious and also saving me the trouble of ever having to read the blessed thing!
I’m a secondary English teacher and have been asked if I could critique the text. Thanks so much for saving me hours of reading that atrocious book in entirety.
I have not read the original and dont think I will bother, quality 🙂
Hilarious!
You owe me a laptop as I spat out my coffee from laughing several times…
Bloody brilliant. Thank you for making me look like a total weirdo on the train by laughing out loud. A lot.
“Fiddy” as we call it, is a pile of literary poo, yes?
I couldn’t help but think that it was a hard, boring book to get into. Even with the odd sexy scene, I found it very dull and wasn’t compelled (as I usually am with series) to rush out and buy the second and third. I would much rather read your ‘Fifty Things’ as I still have tears in my eyes from my outbursts of laughing so hard :’)
[…] I read a really good article about the bookish phenomenon that is ’50 Shades of Grey’. The post picks apart the […]
I have unfortunately read to about chapter 6 and had to give it up… and im 16. The writing was just so bad and i repeatedly wanted to kick the main character in the teeth for being so dumb with her Bella-isms. I noticed all the similarities to twilight even before i heard it started as fanfiction so im glad im not just trying to find twilight mannerisms so i can have an excuse to hate the book. Anyway, i love your list and i think i just woke up my entire family from my obnoxious laughing XD I hope you make some more for the remainder of the book…believe me theres more to write about 😉
I couldn’t agree more. I, god-help-me, have managed to almost get to the end of the second book. Words I never again want to see in print –
‘Oh My’
‘Holy Shit’
‘Hot’
‘Panties’
‘Filling’
‘Releases’
‘Biting’
‘Bottom Lip’
The two above particularly in the same sentence.
I could list a thousand more, all which seem to be constantly repeated over and over in this horror story of a novel. Even MS Word has a synonym tool – shame she didn’t use it…
Fay- I think I am going to have nightmares now after thinking up sentences which use ALL of your words-we-never-want-to-see-again. I am quite nauseous 😀
A book so bad, Jesus facepalmed.
Great review, saves me from reading a terrible book. So thanks for that! I shouldn’t be surprised though: Twilight fans publishing… Can’t expect too many amazing things. 😉
I will definitely be reading the expanded critique when it comes out!
You didn’t mention the ‘stiffening’. Anastasia seems to stiffen at the slightest smile. I feared she might stiffen when walking down some stairs and not be able to stop her fall. And she ‘flushes’ more than a pubic toilet.
I’m surprised Anastasia’s ‘inner goddess’ hasn’t made an appearance in this list. I wanted to stab her in the face every time she referred to it.
she was certainly in MY list http://normalinlondon.wordpress.com/2012/06/19/fifty-shades-of-grey-e-l-james/
I don’t think she’d made an appearance up to the stage Cassandra wrote her list 😉
considering this is only the first 50 and Cassandra’s book will probably get to that. like EastEndLass said, her review mentions it, as does my own: http://t.co/MmKwFGh1, which is scathing and funny.
hi cassandra. i really like this post. =)) i haven’t read fsog nor watch twilight (thank goodness. btw, i don’t buy because of hype). this is a good read, it’s like a guide for would-be writers on the proper way of how characters should act. =)) i’m at number 6 now… and will continue reading.
Fantastic review, I too laughed very loudly. Glad to know I’m not alone; given the frenzied support of this book I was starting to worry whether the human race was disintegrating into a mass populous of hysterical two dimensional idiots. Oh wait, sorry…… you mean they ARE?
Fantastic! Lovely to read something that made me smile so much on a wet Sunday morning. I will be waiting for your e-book.
I started to read fifty shades and gave up in disgust. I enjoyed your blog so much more. I will definately buy your book with pleasure. I think it might be even bigger than the fifty loads of rubbish which is sweeping the country – certainly desreves to be! Your writing is brilliant and marches your sense of humour.
Oh my, you are the type of person i would love to have review my book – And if you liked it, my inner goddess would swoon!
Could you please review The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged next? Am I the only person in human history who has noticed that Ayn Rand plagiarized Grace Livingston Hill…(“petted mouth”)
I found this via a link on a friend’s Facebook page. I would like to thank you for nearly making me choke on my toast and having tears run down my face. Had no intention of reading Fifty Shades but I’m so glad that it exists otherwise you wouldn’t ha e writtent this post! Haven’t laughed so much in ages 🙂
Hi pauline, if you want to laugh some more, read the reviews on fifty shades on Amazon, especially the one star ones. I sat up til midnight one night creasing myself.
I think we all know it’s a series of poorly written potboilers, lets hope EL James uses some of her profits to take writing classes. Funny post.
completely agree with this whole thing! i also fail to fathom a plot from this book. it just seems to me like a lot of sex scenes pushed together with a few bits of sexual tension in between. the shocking this is that 14/15 year old girls are reading this with the idea that it’s an amazing, literate book because it’s a best seller. no, it’s just a little hype for teenage girls obsessed with sex and twilight. makes me so angry!
What a great lambaste of a best selling classic novel. I am delighted you are getting the opportunity to publish more obvious holes in the literary content of this soft porn story. Maybe someone could then write a book pointing out the holes in your holes. e.g. A Hawk is also a tool used in plastering as anyone brought up by a carpenter would know.
You do realise that most purchasers of this book probably don’t bother or want to read the pages which you have so carefully disected and mocked? EL James has found a very large niche in the market (that isn’t the cultured novel market!) and now must be laughing all the way to the bank.
P.S. I believe this trilogy of books is totally unsuitable for under 18s. It is soft porn and should be marked accordingly. There is undoubtedly a case for fiction to be rated in a similar manner to film/dvd!
I totally agree. And to think Lady Chatterly’s Lover was banned! A return to those days is needed I think.
the paperback book itself does have a warning on the back, as all erotica should, stating it is for Mature Audiences. the e-book should carry the same, and i don’t know why it doesn’t. the fact that some teens have read it is just another example for why all books should have ratings, as you said, like films.
but honestly, would that prevent young teens from buying/reading them? Even if stores refused to sell to them, they would get an older sister or brother or friend – devious little characters they are – I used to be on myself!
that is true, and something i agree with. however, most teens who want to read the book usually go online and finds ways of getting it for free, so no matter what we do, teens have their ways of getting these things. honestly, if parents were more honest and items with sexual contents weren’t demonised so much, teens would be less likely to want to investigate.
when they can access the internet? Besides, I used to read my Dad’s books when I was growing up – if they’d an x-rating on them they’d have been the first i nicked from his room…
I remember my friend Alison and I babysitting my little brother when my parents were out and skim-reading the whole of Lady Chatterley. Was excellent piece of sex education. I was 12. The pictures are so much better in novels than in films so I think the ‘porn’ definition is quite different.
hee hee me too. however, Lady Chatterly’s Lover was a well written book.
I’ve read some trashy books in my time but nothing about this book makes me want to read it. Maybe it’s the fact that I knew it was Twilight Fan fiction to start with and I have never read them either (started Twilight but never finished cause it was so bad). I thought I was going to have to start reading them to see what all the fuss was about but thanks to you I’ll not need to.
Thanks for the laugh I really needed it.
I do agree; this blog post was much more engaging than 50 Shades.
You need to add another annoyance to the list. While reading the book I said outloud, “I swear, if I read, ‘my breath hitched’ or ‘his breath hitched’ one more time I’m going to (foul word removed) scream!”
I think this post is brilliant. I haven’t laughed so much in ages!
Honestly, nobody is holding a gun to your collective heads to read it… if you don’t like the sound of it them don’t bloody read it! ANY book can be ripped apart like that, it depends entirely on personal taste. Good for the author I say, made a heap of money, even you lot have probably bought it just so you can have a rant. Get off your high horses, if you don’t like it then don’t read it. And now Cassandra Parkin will be making money off it too with her book on how bad she thinks another book is – puh-lease!!
Hang on – let me rip apart the first couple of paragraphs seeing as there are “many many things that annoy me about it”… first off, when starting a letter with Dear.. the words should be capitalized, if I’m not mistaken – it should be Dear Lovely Readers. Now this REALLY peeves me and maybe I’ll write a whole book about it… should I go on?
Ridiculous, the whole thing.
haha, love this! And it couldn’t be any more true, it’s all just jealousy from a sad little blogger who is trying to make some money to support her pathetic life
“Don’t like it, don’t read it” makes absolutely no sense as a defense for any written media. How are you supposed to know whether or not you like it if you don’t actually read it? Additionally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a set of standards for books, movies, music, etc. Not everyone enjoys the same things, as hard as that might be for you to comprehend.
Any book can be ripped apart, but very few published books are as badly written as this particular series. It might make it an easy target, but when you publish something you have to expect that it is going to get both praise and critique as readers see fit. Sorry that your feeling are hurt, but that’s just the way the world works.
I have been wracking my brain to understand WHY these books have breen so popular. I thinki i’ve finally come up with an answer. Perhaps deep in the subconcious every woman would love a improbably hansome, improbably rich man (given his age) surrounded by georgeous blondes, to fall madly in love with a mere innocent, not so pretty person such as ourselves, who humanly is clumsy and gets blindingly embarrassingly drunk. Yet he still pursues us – who wouldn’t? And better still, he is damaged. We women are the nurturers. Wouldn’t it boost our ego no end to have such a beautiful, seccessful yet damaged man fall into our laps, just to have us nurse him back to normality? Then of course he is a fantastic lover. (Apart from the sadistic streak which is due to his childhood abuse, which nakes him that appealling ‘little boy lost’) I doubt if this book would be for me even if it was well written, but had it been, I and other writers would have applauded her success.
I agree! THIS is the ultimate women’s fantasy that’s played out in the books, not the kinky fuckery or the naughty sex… It’s the saving a broken man from himself.
I just finished all three books (I’m on summer hols…) and they only get worse. I was able to skim read the third due to all the repetition.
I’m in the middle and I find that I am usually reading it with my face in my hands like your last picture.
I had my little rant about the book last week: http://katie-randomnest.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/how-to-squeeze-some-reading-in.html
Ha ha ha! You have no idea how much this has made me smile – not least because I couldn’t get past the first chapters and you’ve got all of them covered. When you write your e-book I’m going to read the rest of t5 Shades so I can snigger in collusion.
Thank you for this – it really made me laugh. Incidentally, ELJames was my old boss years ago at a company called Mentorn Films. She was a production manager in TV and then Head of Production. She was never a writer but her husband was. I bet he is furious that she has this amount of success with this piece of work. I know our big boss is so jealous he can hardly bear it. All hilarious!
Ah, that’s how she knows all the marketing angles. One of the successes of a book, good or bad, is how well it is marketed. own merits? forget it!
This blog post has restored my faith in women. I thought you had all been taken over like a raunchy zombie apocalypse, but a really badly written one.
Great blog!
#22 I-5? No one refers to an interstate as “I-*insert number*”. You just say you’re taking the interstate because it’s generally pretty obvious which one you’ll be on. If clarification is necessary, you say you’re “taking the 20” or “taking 95”.
Anyway, I recommend this blog to any idiot who tells me they like the novel. I’m thinking you should design some business cards we can all print out and hand out to the unfortunate people reading this crap.
actually, in Washington, we do call it the Interstates I-5, I-90, ect. far as i know, I-5 is referred to as such in WA, OR, and CA. the fact that this book is set in WA and a little in OR means she should try and get it right and she failed, putting the East and West Coasts usage together.
sadly, it sounds like you live on the EC, or you wouldn’t have misappropriated your terms with the WC terms.
Someone above commented about the “hawk vs handsaw” example. I’m sure you’re aware already, but in case he’s not: no, you’ve still won that point. The fault is in the ambiguous language. A hawk (tool) is a much lesser known object than the hawk (bird), certainly so to women (the primary audience). The intent of that phrase (characterization of Jose) is completely lost on the reader because it’s unclear. And editor would have make her select a different set of tools or drop the phrase altogether. Also, for this characterization of Jose to really work, she should have picked two tools that are at least similar in use or appearance and therefore easily confused. The hawk and handsaw are not. So it’s no special feat to be able to distinguish them.
But the image of a hawk (the bird) versus a handsaw (not a bird) is so much funnier don’t you think? Even for the aware, this has good entertainment value.
I think it’s just in there as a clumsy inter-textual reference to show the character (or more likely, the author) knows her Shakespeare. As we keep being told, Anastasia is exceptionally bright, although she shows no real evidence of this. If Christian is impressed by the poncey use of disembodied quotations characteristic of a pretentious sixth-former, he is hardly the shrewd judge of character and personnel we are led to believe. In short, both characters, if transposed to the real world, are actually monumentally thick.
Brilliant! Not read it, previously had no desire to, but now I just might, though I have a feeling it’ll annoy the hell out of me, too.
And great to read an intelligent, literate, blog post – the world needs more – not surprised you got a book deal out of it.
Just reviewed your book on Amazon. Thanks for a great giggle, wonderful stuff thank you. Love your work. When will we be able to get your award winning Fairly Tales book on kindal?
“I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.”
~Hamlet Act II sc ii.
Think if a person is happy to read 50 shades etc Why not? Not read them myself,but some people poke fun think they are cool having a go at someone who has read them. Harmless reading at the end of the day. Get a life, enjoy some humour you only live once. Miserable moaners lol.
Of course people should be able to read and enjoy (and write) whatever they like. That’s why I will read and enjoy Cassandra’s book when she is finished. Just as she has the right to write it. Her blog is so entertaining. some people find fifty shades good for a laugh. (even if it’s not a comedy) Personally I just found it annoying. But then I don’t read vampire stories, mills and boon or erotica, so even if it was well written, I doubt this book would be for me.
[…] I found this link on Book Group Online, I’ve read it four times and it makes me laugh each time. Especially […]
I loved this so much. It exorcised all my irritation at the first 50 pages, where I too, threw the book aside forcefully. I also thought it was hilarious that on page 1, our heroine is exasperated with her eyes that are too big. What other troubles does she have in the looks department? Waist too small, legs embarrassingly long and slim?
[…] 50 Things That Annoy Me About 50 Shades of Grey […]
One of the funniest things I have read in a long time. Two words have me giggling helplessly; “bag out”.
That was a million times more entertaining than the book!
Thank you! It is liberating to finally be able to howl with laughter over the tripe that is the “50 Shades” series. So much more enjoyable than gritting my teeth through reading them! Sadly I am compelled to read them because, otherwise, I have absolutely no chance of interacting with my friends, who are all completely absorbed by it. Naturally, my choice of friends is currently under review!
Very amusing post – I remain utterly convinced of the ridiculousness of this book, and my own conviction not to read it! Although, from your blog it does sound as if it would provide me with quite a lot of ridiculing material, which is tempting!
oh please…why you all getting so worked up about a book and subsequent blog from this doll….it only a book, be old news in a month’s time! Don’t like it, don’t read it…simples! …I wouldn’t mind EL James’s bank balance at the minute
I’m sure not one of you is a Manbooker winner, so get a life and chill out…
Well, that may be, but if Cassandra can cash in on it – why the hell not?
Hi, I did actually enjoy the book as I like the characters and yes, I will be purchasing books 2 & 3 but reading your blog has given me a giggle on a wet day in London! Thanks x
[…] https://cassandraparkin.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/adventures-in-trash-fifty-things-that-annoy-me-about… […]
Cassandra,
That was very amusing and show how poorly written the book was. I enjoyed that and would love to buy your ebook when it is published.
Hi SHO,
Thank you! So pleased you enjoyed it. The book is out now and you can find purchase links here – http://collca.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=74&Itemid=71
Thanks again for reading!
I just prchased it, Cassandra, and shared it on my facebook and twitter.
Oh, thank you so much! Really hope you enjoy it x
[…] https://cassandraparkin.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/adventures-in-trash-fifty-things-that-annoy-me-about… […]
3dsatirist@gmail.com says…
you might like my critiques of 50SoG…
COS ROOT 0 (Anastasia) SINES CGs NDC he TANS her hide.
Take ROOT 0 and subtract LESS THAN OR EQUAL TO 1 DUD ROOT.
Pray that they don’t MULTIPLY as cell DIVISION (BIFU[R]C[K]ATION) suggests NON-STANDARD DEVIATION.
Add E L JAMES (probably a Spanish bloke ‘El James’) writing = y Oh y = zzzZZZ
Knowing that I write romantic, erotical, literary stories, a friend, and highly experienced, very skillful publisher gave me all 514 pages of 50 Shards. Her intention was to inspire me to complete my sensorially indulgent WIP. As a friend, she also gave me 515 pages of caveats warning against reading EL (is the author really ‘the’ Hispanic male?) James. Despite having a topplingly tall stack of literarily meritorious reading to attend to, I was not to be deterred. Groaning…sadly not from pleasure, though in truth there was an ocasional libidinous response, I read the book, and the back cover in the order I got to it, last! OH NO! IT’S PART OF A TRILOGY, I SHRIEKED!
I’ve just downed quill after spewing out 516 stream of consciousness pages of vitriol, railng against my friend’s modus operandi when it comes to encouraging my writing. Surely chopping down trees to publish these three ugly sisters is best dealt with by a targetted campaign spearheaded by a high-profile environmental advocacy group. What about ‘Greypeace’?
Give credit where repayments are likely, I say, or at least where interest accrues…re tripping into a meeting: my former wife, before having her breasts surgically reduced to the tune of 1.76kg did however topple backwards (not weighed down by breast for that part of the exercise) whilst representing the xxx Government as a trade negotiator. And yes, one grand orb escaped its confines to put in an impromptu appearance.
Location: Korea
Subject: Market access for ‘beef’. Yes, well!
Impact on negotiations: never admitted, at least to me.
Having mused long and hard on a disposal protocol for my ‘inherited’ copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, I realised: a) I don’t dislike anyone ENOUGH to give it to them; b) it’s too bad for landfill; so c) for safety I’ve glued all the pages together with two-pack epoxy and made a lovely plinth for that other wonder of the last Fifty Years Of Marketing, my ‘Pet Rock’.
Thank you for this article. I wrote a short story parody of the book and used your post as a list of points to pay attention to.
Clearly you wanted to find all sorts of things wrong with the book, to the extent that you’ve made some mistakes in your haste to belong to the debate surrounding it. However in reading your comments, one or two of which are amusing, the overwhelming sense I got was that you’re feeling a bit bitter towards the success of the author here. Might you perhaps be a struggling author, striving for success and feeling cheated by someone’s sudden rise to fame, perhaps wishing you could have dashed off a trio of books that would have the same sudden uptake? I’m not going to make a case for the quality of their literature or yours, given the above leaves a bitter taste in the mouth, but regardless of that, it has sold, and incredibly well. People are voting with their wallets, and I can’t help feeling that you’re a little jealous and desirous to get in on the action, even if it’s the anti-camp. This posting and your apparent commissioning of your own Anti-version book suggests that you are actually quite comfortable hanging on to the coat-tails of this particular success, after all, without it your blog wouldn’t have been so widely read, not a book requested on the back of it – I think you should be sending the author your grateful thanks!
Of course, all writers are jealous! But praise where praise is due. As a self published author myself, I feel envious of the success of ‘Before I go to sleep’ but since it is a brilliant book that kept me reading til the end, I applaud the author and understand twhy it is so successful.
I mean, no one tore JK Rowling apart when the Harry Potter series achieved overnight success, did they?
Although not to my taste, had FSoG been well written, I guess us other wanna bes would once more sigh and go back to the drawing board. As it is, it takes a bit of understanding as to WHY anyone would actually like FSoG – even if it is their genre. And what state our modern society is in that women sigh, please let me meet a sadistic, controlling psychopath (aka Christian Grey) Given the bad reviews, I would say half of the books sold was bought because of the hype by people who wish they had not wasted their money, ( I too am guilty of the above) so to say people are voting with their wallets is not exactly true. People have been caught up in a very good marketing ploy – isn’t that what sales are all about after all?.
And since EL James stole her ideas from the Twilight series, why shouldn’t any writer , as you say, ride on EL’s coat tails? If she does not want criticism she should not have left herself wide open to it. .
honestly, there is a bigger issue than the success of these books, but i won’t bore anyone with writing it out, i’m just going to do you and everyone the favour of posting links to other well-written articles which show all the reasons why the success of this book is ludicrous and even unethical:
A Comparison of the original Master of the Universe fan fiction and what it eventually because as the Fifty Shades Trilogy, both written by the same women
these links are all by the same person and are all, essentially, connected by being about the undue success of the Fifty Shade Trilogy:
An author’s guide to fan fiction
When does fan fiction cross an ethical line
and then there is this, which is not only annoying, but offensive, to any real author, whether they started in fan fiction or not: Fifty Shades Of Grey Author E.L. James Hates The Twilight Fans That Made Her Famous
read some of the comments too, because the discussions are just as interesting, especially with people who have made comments like yours.
AMEN! I’m glad someone else realizes how bitter she is. lol
A friend and I read this blog entry together, discussed it at length, and drew our own conclusions. Which are as follows:
a) Dark-copper-coloured unruly hair. Christian is actually Chewbacca.
b) Anatasia’s mother lives in a doll house, thus necessitating the taking out of a mortgage to fund her candle-making enterprise.
c) Anastasia’s propensity to trip over nothing leads me to speculate that she was either born without her vestibular apparati, or was the victim of one too many wet willies in her childhood.
d) The subconscious that dwells in the base of her medulla oblongata is actually a tumour instigating auditory hallucinations; this could also explain her clumsiness if it is disrupting efferent nerve signals through her somatic nervous system. She might want to get that checked out. Just saying.
e) Christian’s enjoyment of finding out what makes things tick would make him a bad candidate for placement with a bomb detection squad.
f) Anatasia was perfectly capable of raising her voice by several octaves because she respires helium. This accounts for why she is such an abject air-head.
Thank you, Cassandra, for making us think entirely too hard about a subject that really isn’t worth much thought at all ❤ xDD.
I don’t know why I didn’t read your comment before, but I just cannot stop laughing. This is lovely, thank you for sharing.
Hello!!! I came across your blog after looking up if there was any critical review out there for the atrociously written 50 shades trilogy… and yours has to be the best blog out there!!!! WELL DONE 😀
Wonderfully amusing blog and comments. Is no one else irritated by his GRAY eyes (grey in my world surely) and CG’s surname being Grey when it could be GRAY. Why has the author used the wrong spelling/reversed it? Does she think we are all half-wits!
the chances of finding a person with the last names of Gray and Grey with eyes like their last name is rare. both last names exist, but in the area which the author lives, Britian, Grey is more common than, in Ireland or Scotland, Gray.
if you are pointing out the spelling being more proper as GRAY, then it appears you are American, as GREY is the British spelling of the same word, and yes, there are difference in English language. i do believe that the author wanted his last name and eye colour to be the same, hence why we have it this way, but it was a poor decision on her part considering how little she changed of the story and that this used to be Edward Cullen’s grey eyes.
that said, yes the author still thinks we’re half-wits, because of the cock-up that is the Fifty Shades Trilogy and the background story to it’s rise to fame.
I woke up this morning and there was a round orange thing in the sky. It was warm and stirred an acient memory in me, or something. Oh my! My inner goddess did a summersault! I bit my lip and rolled my eyes. Then fifty shades of grey started to roll over the sky and my subconscious wagged a finger at me. Holy shit! is it going to rain? I dodged into a cafe and bought a coffee. I don’t like coffee, but I’ve never been in a cafe before so I didn’t know they served anything else. Holy moly – oh my, there’s a heart shaped thing or something on the top. I’ve never seen a capuccino before so I wonder how they do that. The waitress asked me if I’d like to listen to music. she came with a a small oblong flat thing with buttons and pointed it at a music centre in the corner. Holy cow! I’ve never seen one of those before or something. Oh my! A man at the next table opns a laptop and begins to type. I wonder how he does that? I’ve never had a computer in all my years at uni. My inner Goddess points a gun at her head and pulls the trigger. Thank God – now I can start to think for myself!
[…] (Images: 2,3,4,5) […]
I love your blog and I want to get your book, but I dont’ have an e-reader. Will it be available in print?
Hi Carrole,
Unfortunately, at the moment it’s only available as an e-book. However, you can download a free Kindle app to your PC here – http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/feature.html/ref=kcp_pc_mkt_lnd?docId=1000423913 – and can then buy the Kindle edition and have it delivered to your PC and view it through the app.
Thanks for reading and I hope this helps! x
this is brilliant. the e-book is brilliant. Cassandra Parkin – brilliant.
i love this and only wish i had bothered to do my research before falling into the trap of paying good money for this garbage
Reblogged this on William McMonnies and commented:
This one is just too good to miss (unlike the subject matter).
—Willm
I think it’s quite suspicious that every single post left on this site has been positive. I found myself actually stunned at how literally stupid these ‘revelations’ were. Someone who has this much time on their hands to sit and criticize every single line from a BESTSELLER needs to find a new hobby and possibly a life while they’re at it. 95% of these so-called flaws weren’t relevant and didn’t even make sense. The other 5%, okay so the author could have done a little better in some aspects (but who are we to judge). I think this has got to be one of the funniest examples of jealousy I’ve ever come across. Seeing as how this author is now making huge amounts of money, they’ve already sold the rights to create a movie (which was fought over by multiple companies) and she will continue to become wealthier when this book becomes even more popular. In my opinion, if you aren’t particularly pleased with one author’s style of writing, there are plenty of other books in the world to read.
We get it, you like the book. It is not ‘suspicious’ that the comments on here are largely positive, they are positive because it is an excellent piece of writing; perceptive, entertaining and (in the opinion of many, myself included) absolutely hillarious.
I bought the ‘Lighter Shades’ e-book (which felt like cleansing after wasting precious time and money on two of the James’ offerings) and I laughed for three hours solid, best literary £1.49 I have ever spent and I hope this gets to the author so I can thank her personally for that.
If you want to look at sales and the author’s success Kathy, you can rest assured you’re on the winning team so for Heaven’s sake, calm down. Seriously though; your assumption that all critisism is down to bitterness and jealousy towards the author is unlikely – large amounts of critisism saying the same thing generally indicates that something is wrong. You can continue to deny that and villainise those that say it but in these circles you are the only person that ends up looking silly, so maybe hang out on a site that offers blind appreciation instead, I’m sure there are many but I know that won’t satisfy my thirst for critique so I choose to avoid said sites as you could maybe considering boycotting blogs that are obviously critical? Just an idea.
Well said, Kiera, couldn’t agree more.
I am very very glad I wasn’t sitting with my coffee cup (without that pattern on top, yeah) while reading this. Cleaning a keyboard splattered with coffee is not easy. How did I get here? Ah, Twitter stream – Collca – here. Delighted, Cassandra. (No I did NOT caress your name with my tongue).
You know, I got so annoyed by the constant reference to this book (“oh, my” – there’s a phrase I hate) I felt I had to read it. And yes, I was dying to edit it 😀 Although why should I, ha!
Loved your dissection – and it has become imperative for me to buy your Collca “companion” Hmm – three parts of #50shadesofgrey.
Anyway, enjoyable book or not, Ms.James is getting rich. But hey, I love your take on this – and look forward to reading your book. What can I say? I love humor. Certainly makes the world go around!
I am going to be laughing (sometimes in public) whenever I remember this post!
[…] the book is both awful and not very rude for quite a long time, according to this hysterical Blog post by Cassandra Parkin, ’50 things that annoy me about Fifty Shades of Grey ‘. I’m inclined believe Parkin […]
After reading your blog and others I just feel as though, its a book get over it. Why the need to strip the story apart and take an in depth look into what you didnt like. This is solely your opinion and I find your own lack of knowledge amusing, and perhaps you should have researched what a hawk is before commenting on it. I have read all 3 50 shades books and enjoyed reading them as I do many other genres of books. There is no need for all this, it is merely a book that has been enjoyed by many people. I have also noted many of those in the press blogs etc have not read the books but are in fact responding to quotes from the book, which most people would laugh at when not read within the contexts of the rest of the book. It is not a porn book and once you get to book 2 and 3 there is very little sexual content and it is predominantly about the changes in the relationship between the two characters. It is a romance novel and if you enjoy that sort of book then thats your choice. I do not believe people should be belittled or have it implied they are stupid in some way for enjoying it. We are free to read the books we choose and those who dont like it should not say anything just shut up and dont read it no one is making you. I have read other erotic type books jilly cooper for instance and found her descriptions far more cringeworthy and bizarre, i quote ” he entered her like an otter jumping into a stream”. 50 shades is a book about a rich, confident, damaged man who happens to like a bit of kinky stuff (although i have to say most of what they do in that way is not that strange, tying some one up or handcuffs are quite popular) with many issues who meets a young, un-confident woman. In effect she enables him to face his demons and over come them and he in turn makes her confident and enables her to be what she dreams to be. Also I would like to add although you appear to despise this book you are also now selling your full “report” on this book, this makes me laugh as you are profiting from this and without the book there would be no blog sales for you.
You forgot the part where vultures will eat my liver for all eternity.
Since EL James has made her money out of the twilight series, why shouldn’t others make some money out of her? If she or her publishers had bothered to have the thing edited there wouldn’t be all this flack. I tried to read the book, but it is so badly written, I just couldn’t get through to whatever story lieds beneath (if there is one) And there are many one star reviews from intelligent people who have read all three and are not ‘responding to quotes’ as you say.
It’s a blog, it’s someone’s opinion, you don’t have to read it, but lots of people do and enjoy far better than FSoG. get over it!
I dont believe there was any malice intended in my response, so why you would respond with that im unsure. I just dont understand why everyone gets so uptight about a book, its like any book some like it some dont, I just dont see a real need for people to criticise someone elses work. It seems as though no one can say fair play, this woman has had a series of books published and has earn’t a great deal of money and fans in the process, surely this is a dream for any writer. Unfortunately we live in a world where people have to pick apart others success. I have read many comments stating that the author is undeserving of even having her books published, why? and to Cath from warwick, i dont need to get over anything i enjoyed it for what it was, im sure E L James had no intentions of going down in history as the next shakespeare, and you have proved a point, you haven’t read it, whereas I have read all 3 before commenting, thanks
Has she had a series of books published? Never heard that before. I thought she just wrote fan fiction on the twilight series.
You ask why people think she is undeserving of having her work published. I think the quality of the writing answers that. Many authors take the time and expense of having their work edited to be the best they can be and don’t get a break. Are you surprised they don’t understand why something like this takes off? Fair play to EL James. None of us could write before we learned our craft, but for a publisher to take this on and not even edit it? You’d think they would at least care about their reputation.
I’m sorry I couldn’t force myself to go through the torture of reading any further before commenting, but I feel I read enough to know I couldn’t stand another lip-biting, eye-rolling moment. And the quality of writing is obvoius in the the first few pages of any book.
I’m not het up over FSoG. If you enjoy it fine. ‘It’s like soaps, rubbish but addictive’ – that comment I can understand. But for anyone to say it’s a good book beggars belief.
well i always like the saying “jealousy makes you nasty”. Are you an unpublished writer cath or member of a writers support group. Free speech cath we can say its a good book if we want, thats my opinion which clearly bothers you, none of this bothers me, its a blog and you were free to give your opinion as I was mine. For the record I also enjoyed spot the dog, the little prince and my 3 year old loves a bit of cockamoo. Im sure you may also find these not to your taste, so you wouldn’t read them!. The people who have read this book and enjoyed it read it because it was of interest to them, they just wanted to read the rude bits or they found it amusing, I was part of the latter. I’m fully aware of what good writing is believe me and yes it is a shame for all those writers out there who don’t get published but dont rubbish the ones that do. It is a GOOD book if you have a sense of humour and don’t take things so seriously
Okay, everyone, just a quick note to say that I’m not having personal attacks (other than on me, because I get to moderate them) on this blog.
I don’t know if Cath is an aspiring author or Jo Rowling by another name, and I don’t think it matters. There isn’t a minimum degree of publication or sales required before you get to have an opinion about a best-seller.
But saying or implying that a fellow commenter who doesn’t like a particular book must be either jealous or nasty is getting close to personal attack. Which, as I might have said, I’m not having.
Right, carry on.
There is nothing wrong with you enjoying the books for what they are, but at least you should be educated on some of the issues with this book, which Cassandra’s blog doesn’t mention because these articles came out after she wrote her’s.
Once you read these links, I hope you realise exactly why these books are not something to be read lightly and are really just a rough draft that needs much more work.
I am not just saying that from having read these articles, however, I have read the books myself, all 3, and found these articles to see if what I noticed while reading these was also noticed by others. I’m glad to know I wasn’t alone, because one of the problems deals with domestic violence, just like the original Twilight Saga, and whether you saw that or not, what is important is that others have, many of whom suffered DV themselves. On top of that, there is the unethical and hypocritical practices of the author, who published a fan fiction, albeit an Alternate Universe where certain key details from the original source are changed, with only changing the names and adding a view into a different perspective, but that doesn’t change the plagiarised characters therein.
Knowing the facts is always important, as well as understanding when something has warning signs of dangerous relationships, and while I’m not saying you shouldn’t still enjoy the book once reading these, I am simply giving you this different view so that you might understand why people like myself do not approve of this trilogy.
Now for the links:
Comparison of the fan fiction Master of the Universe and the Fifty Shades Trilogy it became (this shows that the author couldn’t even be original enough to rewrite the books from the ideas in her fan fiction.)
Comparison of the characters from the Twilight Saga to the Fifty Shades Trilogy (this shows the author couldn’t even create her own characters and exactly how those in Fifty Shades are like their counterparts in Twilight.)
Fifty Shades author hates the Twilight fans which made her famous (this shows that the author was in it for the money, which is just one of many unethical things she’s done.)
When Does Fan Fiction Cross An Ethical Line? by Jami Gold (here is another example of why the author crossed an ethical line not rewriting her story.)
What Makes a Character Unique? by Jami Gold (another example of why the author plagiarised the characters from Twilight.)
An Author’s Guide to Fan Fiction by Jami Gold (this just shows that not all fan fiction writers will do this, and also why people are up-in-arms about the fan fiction origins of this trilogy.)
Fifty Shades of Domestic Violence
Fifty Shades and Abusive Relationships
Another Fifty Shades Domestic Violence PSA, now with added author breakdown
So let me get this right. If someone now writes more about the antics of Christian and Ana as fan fiction, creates a following, changes the names, they can then publish the book and make loads of money?
And Melissaivory I am confused. After reading your very long post, you are clearly not a fan of fifty shades, but your answer to Kiera suggests you are.
Goodness, I never meant for my response to Kiera to seem as if I enjoyed the books for anything but the basic premise, which I know is only made clear in my own reviews. I will amend that posthaste, and thank you for pointing that out to me.
I’m beginning to regret my snarky retort in the face of all this love. Sorry guys.
I’ve noticed something based on blog comments alone (not just this one). 50 Shades fans seem to hate paragraphs. Just an observation, I am in no way implying that they don’t have a proper grasp on how prose should look / read.
Not for a second..
We enjoy paragraphs, it’s just that most people don’t usually read everything said, so we edit ourselves into short responses, so that people actually read everything we have to say. I just made a very long response, with multiple paragraphs, trying to educate someone on the various complications with this series of books, so if that doesn’t prove that we use paragraphs, then there is not much else I can say.
That’s me told. Your mystery post elsewhere on the Internet invalidates my statement completely, you are clearly all big fans of paragraphs and indeed grammar in general and just manage to hide it very well in your haste to defend EL James and her Thesaurus abuse.
Sorry about the confusion.
I am dreadfully sorry for misreading your comment, I missed that you are directing this to fans of the Trilogy, not fans of this post, which is what I took you to mean.
That’s fine, easy mistake to make 🙂
Can I just say that whoever “quoted” Jilly Cooper above actually misquoted her; therefore, it wasn’t actually a quote, more of a paraphrase
Nowhere in Jilly Cooper’s writing does it state “he entered her like an otter jumping into a stream”. If I’m not mistaken, the quote being referred to here is “Then as joyously as an otter diving into a summer stream he plunged … inside her” which is something quite different. This is using the simile of an otter’s joy to describe the protagonist’s joy.
I hope this clears things up. Please don’t misquote Jilly. It hurts me.
Loved this blog – both my husband and I have been in stitches over it, having been subjected to mutual friends waxing lyrical over the wonders of FSoG.
I feel this is an irrelevant blog! Which is strangely doing what you fear most, jumping on the band wagon. The book has never claimed to be anything more than it is. Like always people hear others and judge from a perspective which equals no real merit in its conviction. I read all kinds of books from non fiction books on politics and history to teenage fiction such as twilight and fallen. I am not only enjoying the Grey series but would recommend them too. They serve a great purpose of escapism and conjure desires we all have and that are not as vivid since adolescents! It is not written at the literary standard of any of the greats but I don’t think this is required!
Buy dissecting it this way I feel it attacks something inside all of us, it judges the desires we have, the fantasy and it attacks the inner teenager who just wants that intense sexy love affair.
I also find some of your comments weird? Like the first one about Ana’s hair, we all do this, but you seem to take great offence to our egocentric sides which exist?
I just feel this is pointless and negative!
If you really believe that all women really want is to be fisted by a misogynist in palazzo pants, then you have a very depressing view of humanity.
It’s not so much the content most people object to, different strokes for different folks. Although I object to the statement that ‘all of us’ desire a Christian Grey, it’s the dreadful, annoying, repetitive writing taht floored me. Few of today’s writers claim to be literary greats, but at least they can string a sentence together. I wouldn’t have liked the book anyway, but there’s a lot of books I don’t like. That’s personal taste. This is like a badly written pre-teen book with an adult theme! If she’s prepared to shove any old rubbish out there, she has to take the criticism.
I do love to “buy dissecting” of a morning…..
What were we saying about FSoG promoters disliking paragraphs? And grammar, spelling and word arrangement. There seems to be quite a penchant for exclamation marks as well….
Bof I think I love you. You took the words out of my mouth. Or out of my hands…. Or something. (Yes, yes, that was a sarcastic throw-back to our Ms James….)
Yes this is what I said! Seriously?? I mean we all have fantasy’s and this relationship structure is a fantasy for some women and I am one of them. I think you are missing my point which does not surprise me as you wish to justify your own opinions. But my point is very simple, We are all different, the book is popular because of its publicity which has been helped by this very pointless blog, which is ironic and funny! And also the whole point of equal rights, feminism, etc is the freedom of choice and if you choose to live your life as a submissive in this way then this is your choice. I can see the appeal. So how about we all just agree to disagree and get over this very boring subject!
I wonder if you missed my comment above which gives links that point out the real issues in this Trilogy that this blog does not.
These books are not something to be taken lightly, and definitely not a fantasy teenagers nor housewives nor even little girls dream of. No woman wants to be treated as property or not equal to men, rights which were fought for and won and being unfairly fought for again now in the US, at least to my knowledge, and for you to feel this mockublog is to be taken seriously is tragic.
Read the post I linked to and every single link in it, then tell me you still agree with your post, because if those articles don’t change your mind about this Trilogy, or at least enlighten you, then there isn’t much else to be said.
Get off your high horse!! I have read them and I stick to my statement! The whole point of fantasy is that it is not real. I like the idea of all of it! You need to accept the difference in people and understand that it does not mean if you like the fantasy you would tolerate the reality.I dont need enlightenment, but you really need to open your mind, how much do you think of yourself ? Not everyone thinks the same! Get over it!
I do accept that people have differing opinions, but that doesn’t mean people cannot be informed of the fact pertaining to a certain subject.
As for the matter of fantasies, fiction, and books—When they are placed in world that isn’t different from our own, then a certain level of reality should be placed upon it unless stated otherwise.
It is a commonly accepted theory that leagues of authors adhere to. EL James never stated that her books were outside of our reality, therefore fantasy should have no connection to her story. In fact, the whole point of her fan fiction was to take all paranormal elements out of the Twilight Saga to make it more realistic, yet she failed, seemingly making the arguments people have about Bella and Edward’s relationship which are not there a reality with Ana and Christian.
You can like the series all you want, all I ask is that you at least acknowledge it’s history and what people see in it, because it is a real problem. No one should be writing about these kinds of relationships unless the victims get out of them, and even then, it should be obvious that’s what happens. Domestic violence and abusive relationships are a serious matter, as with rape, and are not something to be taken lightly.
I loved your post! I really wonder me why women are so gaga about it. The book is absolutely rubbish. There’s nothing sexually empowering about it just a pair of over emphasized people who bang all the time. I also hate it when I come across blogs that say that the book gives more insight on what women want, what they’re indirectly saying is that women are whiny, gold digging, insecure, naive, stupid and worthless set of human beings. Anyone who reads this book to better their sex life is joking.
One thing I hated reading about was her inner goddess. The whole book annoyed me, but that inner goddess part bothered me the most. I also couldn’t stand it when she talked about him touching her sex. That’s the only word she used for it for all three books. I am considering buying your ebook. This was very entertaining to read.
Point 16 – I think the ‘building things’ is actually lifted from Pretty Woman. Just sayin’…
God, YES! I knew it sounded familiar. It really is bilge, isn’t it?
Reblogged this on Erotica Everywhere.
See, this is the problem. Look, I love ‘The Great Gatsby’, ‘Wuthering Heights’, ‘Jude the Obscure’ and those other books pretentious people like you would probably read in a too-cool-for-everyone-else cafe just to show off your I’m-so-much-more-well-read-than-you-are personas.
I love Hardy, I love Camus, I love Kafka, but at the same time I have to admit I enjoyed ’50 Shades’. Yes, I admit that the editors should probably have proof-read it before they published it. Also, the author should really expand her vocabulary and her choice of adjectives. But really? Why is there a need for all of this? You spending, god knows how long, on this list dissecting little details of the books just shows how pathetic you are. Almost as pathetic as you THINK people who enjoy this book are.
Seriously, sometimes I like to come home after a tiring day and read something, that’s well, not as heavy as analysing the existentialist themes explored in Camus’ ‘The Outsider’. You’re right, 50 shades is kind of badly written, it’s unrealistic, the main characters do not exist and how the author did not know that ‘coffee shops sell coffee’.
Yes, it’s really unrealistic. Well then, JUST LIKE ALL THE PORN THAT GUYS WATCH. But do we judge men who likes to fantasize or watch amateur porn about nurses with big tits giving random big dicked patients blow jobs after a tiring day at work?
Guys watch porn all the time. Athletes, poets, writers, musicians all watch porn… And some porn is really shit. But do we ever say, ‘wow, you have such bad taste in movies! This movie (porn) is so poorly directed, you should go watch ‘The King’s Speech’ instead – now, that’s a good movie!’ DO WE EVER SAY THINGS LIKE THAT? OBVIOUSLY, WE DON’T DO THINGS LIKE MAKE A LIST OF ’50 REASONS HOW SASHA GRAY THAT FAMOUS PORN STAR IN ASS-PATROL ANNOYS US’ JUST BECAUSE IT’S A FUCKING ‘MOVIE’ AND IT’S ON FILM. WE KNOW IT’S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT GENRE, FOR A CATERED TO PEOPLE IT APPEALS TO. IT’S PORN SO WHY WOULD WE COMPARE IT TO ‘THE BLACK SWAN’?! That amateur film that features those girls with big tits and ‘Inception’ is two different fucking thing. SO GET OVER IT. Okay, I don’t mean to compare ’50 Shades’ with ‘Ass Patrol’, but just any other movies, like that god-awful dance movie ‘Step Up’. Just because people pay to go watch that movie ‘Step-Up’ because they like the dancing, or they like the music, or the characters or actors, do I call them shallow? Do I call them stupid? FOR FUCK’S SAKE. It just appeals to them.
This book is selling because it appeals to some people. But does it make all of them shallow? Sorry, if some women who have never had the opportunity to have go to college like you and picked up some pretentious course, choose to read ’50 Shaes’. I know some women who never got the time to read books because they dropped out of school to support their parents and they worked at McDonalds or Subway all their lives, and all they want to read is something light, easy to grasp and with a happy ending like ’50 Shades’ – they enjoy it. I like seeing them enjoy it. For that little while, they get taken away from their crying children and go to this fantasy. Just like how Colonel Brandon sweeps me away every time I read Jane Austen’s ‘Sense & Sensibility’. And frankly, I’m happy that there is such a demand for books, even if it’s ’50 Shades’. Why? Cause who’s to say it won’t promote reading even if it has induced many publishing houses to produce horrible 50 Shades-like rip-offs. I’ve loved Thomas Hardy but have never read ‘Tess of the d’Urbervilles’ – but thanks to ’50 Shades, I’m definitely going to the book store and buying it Tessy.
So really, what is it? Why are you hating on it? Wait most importantly, why ar you hating on people who actually enjoyed reading it? No one (okay, maybe some crazy people who’ve never picked up anything other than Stephanie Meyer’s crappy Twillight books) is saying that it’s the best piece of English literature ever written and that it should be studied for literature for A-Levels or for the AP program. Why are you hating? Just tune your ears out if you really can’t stand people talking about. I hated Metamorphosis by Kafka but I don’t go around hating everyone who enjoyed reading it.
But really, I enjoyed the book. Do I think it’s the greatest love story since Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet? Do I think it’s a great representation of society’s views and conflicts on sexuality like in Edith Templeton’s ‘Gordon’ or ‘The Story Of O’? NO, of course not.
I JUST ENJOYED THE BOOK BECAUSE I LIKE TO FANTASIZE THESE IMPOSSIBLE THINGS. I LIKE THINKING IN BED OR IN THE SUBWAY ‘OH, WHAT’D I’D DO IF A CRAZY, SEXUALLY SADISTIC BILLIONAIRE IS TRYING TO SEDUCE ME’.
AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT? I STILL AM A LAW STUDENT WHO WANT’S BIGGER THINGS IN LIFE AND THINK IT’S STUPID THAT PEOPLE ‘WANT ME OFF THE FACE OF THIS EARTH’ FOR ENJOYING ’50 SHADES’!
But nooo…. after reading ’50 Shades’, and fantasizing about it, you pretentious people MUST judge me and call me shallow, and unrealistic, and horny, and stupid, and that I should ‘wiped off the face of this earth’ as many people have put it.
BUT is it my life goal to want to be seduced by a sexy, unrealistic, billionaire? No. I want to be a lawyer. And maybe, when I can afford to, I’d move to Mogadishu, Somalia to fight for human rights. BUT AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME, I ENJOY READING THIS BOOK.
OMFG. Is Cinderella real? Is there really going to be a fucking fairy god mother who’s going to turn the pumpkin into a magical carriage? No. But I enjoyed the fairytale and that doesn’t make shallow or stupid or whatever.
Geez, you know, maybe I should come up with a ’50 reasons why people who hate 50 shades annoy me’. But you know what? I won’t because that’d be truly pathetic – just like this list.
You people make such a big deal out of it. Frankly, it’s really childish.
AND what is it with people talking about ‘this book is not sexually empowering at all’ and all that other jazz? ERM, I think that’s the whole point of BDSM? It’s power-play.
And what’s it to you if some people are into being succumbed? When I read it, I didn’t feel like I wanted to be conquered at all. It gave me this fantasy and desire to just surrender. I just felt how nice it would be to just… surrender to someone who’d take care of me and wouldn’t hurt me beyond what I can take. In fact, I LOVE rough sex every once in a while or having my boyfriend help make decisions for me. And being me, having to make decisions all day, ‘what should I write for my thesis’, ‘should I continue staying in the dorm or find an apartment’, ‘do I have enough funds this month to service my car’, or ‘what do I get my friend’s mum for her birthday’…. ALL THESE DECISIONS – it does make me desire for a moment where I don’t NEED to make these decisions and it’d be great if someone would do it for me in bed. That’s the point of the book.
Maybe you’re some hardcore feminist who thinks that this is very insulting for women, BY ALL MEANS, GOOD FOR YOU – it’s your point of view. But don’t go judging everyone else who don’t think the same. I don’t want you coming to me preaching about how it’s unhealthy for me or blah blah blah. You think you’re all feminist going ‘oh why do women enjoy this’ and shit. But it’s so hypocritical. You just judged women for reading this when guys enjoy porn where they also get subdued by old rich women or whatever shit, but I don’t see guys going ‘OMG, this is such a disgrace for all men’. Then everyone brings up the contract. If a guy were to receive such a contract from another women, I think he’d be over the moon. Obviously the female character Ana, knows her rights, is not some poor little kid who was illegally trafficked from China and works in a little sweatshop not even receiving minimum wage. She consented to everything. SO IN WHAT WAY IS IT AN INSULT TO WOMAN? IT’D BE AN INSULT TO WOMAN IF SHE SAID ‘I WILL NOT SIGN THIS BECAUSE IT WOULD OBJECTIFY ME BLAH BLAH BLAH’ – because it once again shows that women have no choices and are bound to the feminist codes where doing something like this would deem us as useless women who want to be stripped off their rights and be owned by men – HENCE WE MUST NEVER AGREE TO SOMETHING AS SCANDALOUS AS THIS. Jesus, I’m glad she signed it. I wouldn’t because I’m not into these sort of things but I’m glad that she liked it and she signed it. Shows that she had a choice and she made it. Jeez sometimes I just don’t get some people. It’s like there’s only a certain kind of porn or book you women thing other women have to read so that we’re not deemed shallow or ‘disgrace to all women’. SERIOUSLY?!
LIKE SERIOUSLY, WHY ARE YOU OVER ANALYSING THE WHOLE DAMN BOOK? It’s like taking Beyonce’s music video and analysing every dance move going like ‘oh my god, that’s totally promoting the abuse of women’. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?
Some of the comments and reviews I read are just ridiculous. If you can’t take this for what it is – which is a rather badly written, highly unrealistic piece of fiction that might appeal to a certain demographic which really doesn’t ‘promote anti-women rights’ – then go back to reading whatever you deem is ‘appropriate’ and leave people who enjoy reading this book alone.
Don’t waste precious time writing lists about how much you hate the book. Or commenting on how much you agree with the writer who wrote the list on how much she/he hated ’50 Shades’. Seriously, you just proved how you’re no different from those, as you’ve put it, ‘countless women who waste their time on rubbish like this’.
Really? You don’t see just how hypocritical it is??
And remember folks, what turns you on, might not turn others on. Eurgh. What is the world coming to?
And I do apologise. Do bear with my typos and ‘bad writing’ – I really do have a thesis to get back to. Or wait… are you going to write a list about how bad my grammar is and how my obsessive use of the word ‘fucking’ annoyed you? Cause I honestly couldn’t give a fuck.
Urgh and finally, I do understand this list is meant to be ‘light hearted’ fun or whatever but it gets old. I hate that people are being so judgemental over people who read ’50 Shades’. It’s not bad enough we have racism, or homophobia or whatever, now we have to discriminate against people who don’t like same type of books? I hate it. It’s also getting annoying for people, like me, who get judgemental looks or stupid remarks from women and MEN alike for reading it on the tube. Seriously?
I heard a random guy on the subway going ‘she must be down for sex, she’s actually reading ’50 Shades’. Like seriously? You see how annoying that is? So it’s okay for guys to watch porn and suddenly when a woman is reading something like this, she’s judged this way by men or deemed as ‘shallow’ from fellow women? Do you actually see what you, women, are doing to all women. It’s like back in the stone ages, where we’re not allowed to read ‘inappropriate’ material or old China where women weren’t allowed to read at all. And all of this is making it worse. Geez, it’s like it’s against the law for women to have a fucking sex life or something. Or worse, it’s like against some weird feminist code or something to like things like this.
I was going to write a very intelligent response to this, but I cannot after finding this in your comment:
Really? You don’t see just how hypocritical it is??
Granted, it’s not far for people to judge others based on something simple like reading a book, but that’s also what you’re doing your comment, judging the author and those who have commented. You basically wrote this long-winded response, and you are entitled to your opinion, but so much of it was hypocritical.
To bitch about this list and other reviews judging people who read the book, although many of us also have, and then you judge us back? To make a snide comment about how people have wasted time writing this list and comments yet you wrote all this? To point out how you found flaws then mock those who did the same?
This list wasn’t anything more than Cassandra’s outlet for all the errors she saw and when she realised how funny it was, she decided to share. That doesn’t excuse the people who are overly critical of others reading, because I admit reading this to understand but I don’t think less of people until I know how they view the trilogy, but that also doesn’t excuse your hypocrisy for calling out people while badmouthing their views.
The biggest issues, found in the bad editing and unethical practices of the author, are not in this list, but are rampant in the comments, and with so many people raving about how this trilogy revolutionises publishing and is supposedly giving erotica attention again doesn’t change the problems with it, and there is nothing wrong with making people aware of them, although that isn’t meant to change their opinion. You might not see that in the people you know, but many of us who have commented have seen it in people we know, which is part of what prompted our responses.
You’re wrong, however, to say that BDSM is all about power play, because its really all about trust, implemented by both partners, not just one-sided. Without trust, there is only sadism or masochism or sadomasochism, dependant upon the situation, and that is why this is an issue with the trilogy, as the BDSM was not just unrealistic but the primary form of abuse in the relationship.
Nothing in my comments, as those are the only ones I can honestly cite, says that there is anything wrong with just reading this series, but there is a problem when someone does not realise how unrealistic this trilogy is. Congrats, you have, but I know and have spoken with many woman and some men who don’t, and want to emulate this relationship, and that is dangerous, in my opinion.
That said, I wish you luck in college, and hope you take the more important parts of my response to heart, as they pertain more to your reactions, and as I once had the same problem, I benefited from having people point them out to me, as I hope I have done for you.
Your response is at least more well written than Fifty Shades. Sort of. If a little long winded.
Also, yes I do judge men who watch porn. Contrary to popular belief, not every single man is off in the basement jacking off to Debbie Does Dallas.
I’m also not a raving feminist, I have no issues with the (however misguided) storyline. It’s just that it’s complete rubbish that my 2 year old could have written circles around. I can’t stand the fact that this sort of bilge is gaining profits in ridiculous amounts while hard-working authors who can actually, you know, write, are having to take in a second or even third job to pay the rent.
I never once said anything about porn because of how the issue is a personal one. I do, however, feel that its unfair to judge anyone based on your personal preference or stereotypes or prejudice, but I also know it’ll happen anyway, and porn is included in that.
Being a raving feminist has nothing to do with finding issues in the storyline and character development, that’s just being into equal rights, possibly an egalitarian, like myself.
And yes, its tragic that real writers are being buried by shite like this and other books that have popped up since this was published, but that doesn’t mean that they are being completely silenced.
You might think this response is long-winded, but it is also concise, and you can follow it easily. If one wishes to address all topics, that takes space, because just saying something doesn’t always make your point efficiently. If that is the case, then I’ve done my job well.
Really, Linda, WHAT ARE YOU ON?
Magnificent demolition job. You know this would make a really good stand up routine? Really loved the piss take of the ‘architectural’ comments in particular. I’m buying three copies of your book for three six asses I know who still (quite angrily) insist they know what they’re talking about when they say Fifty Shades is a ‘great book’.
I hope this opens their eyes, if not their minds, but if her book doesn’t work, here is a list of links you can send them to which might change their mind about the ‘greatness’ of this Trilogy I posted here already.
“Oh my! … Holy Cow! … Holy Fuck! Oh, crap…”I am quarter-way through the book and I can’t suck it up any more. Perhaps my psyche is not desensitised to what is euphemistically dubbed “mummy porn”. The banal clichés, the one-dimensional cardboard cut-out characters, the deeply disturbing objectification of the human body.
My impression after a very brief foray into the murky darkness was that this could be a clunky attempt at a Revenge Tragedy so popular in Elizabethan and Jacobean eras where the absolute corruption of power had gruesome and inhumane consequences. This could be a loss of innocence and a tale of redemption of two very wounded, self-absorbed characters, set against the steel and concrete urban landscape. I will never know.
What intrigues me is how this chunkily-written, best-selling trilogy taps into something that reverberates in the dark undertow of the collective consciousness. The puer fantasy so powerful in the West – especially the American psyche is certainly spelt out loud and crassly clear: youth worship, instant gratification, materialism, the stock-in-trade Mills and Boon template – Alpha Male meets virgin who succumbs to his brutish charm. What troubled me was this portrayal of a shadowy world where power is concretised into sordid fetish and where the stench of pain lingers like stale cigarette smoke.
The Vampire has come back to inhabit the new collective zeitgeist. The Vampire Archetype is certainly embodied in the lifeless personae of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey as they enact the ritualistic dance – bondage, discipline, dominance, submission. Power – and the misuse of power. This age old motif was evident in the Harry Potter books, where the powerless became powerful, and where magic was used for good – and for ill. Victim turned Persecutor.
When our power is usurped or corrupted, we may stray into the mire where Victim and Persecutor enact their macabre dance of madness. The frequency of childhood abuse in psychopaths would suggest that the “sins of the fathers” are indeed visited upon future generations. Early humiliation and victimisation is often re-enacted. Not everybody who is subjected to corporal punishment, or abused cruelly as a child has psychopathic tendencies, though many of us carry these feelings inside us. When we feel powerless we must create the illusion of power in the most ruthless way. A psychologist friend of mine told me that she has an increase of young female clients who have read the book and now wish to experience bondage, submission – and emotional disconnection.
Satan appears in ever changing forms. There will always be willing souls who wander into the darkness, to dwell there, lifeless wraiths. Those who mistake pain for love, who give up their will or attempt to usurp the will of someone else, passively make a “pact with the devil”. Apparently, Fifty Shades of Grey deals with great wealth, synonymous with power, as the dark side of human sexuality, the dark of the soul: the templum of the astrological 8th house. As above so below. The perfect design of the cosmos echoes these archetypal themes as Pluto (god of the Underworld) and Uranus (primordial sky god) to reveal what lies hidden beneath the lean veneer of equality and respect between men and women.
Like Mr Grey and Miss Steele, the outer planets are not concerned with morality. Uranus devoured his children and Pluto was a rapist. These two planets were in conjunction in the sixties, seeding the sexual revolution, the civil rights movement in America, apartheid in South Africa, appalling atrocities in Vietnam, and stormy weather in Kennedy’s Camelot. Now something darker has emerged out of the clash of these two Titans as they face off in a tense square – exact again next month. It is evident in the sombre clouds of discontent that gather on the economic and political horizon. It is evident in the pathological motif of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Our vapid heroine, Anastasia Steele is reading Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the D’Urbervilles, first published in 1891.
“Did you say the stars were worlds, Tess?”
“Yes.”
“All like ours?”
“I don’t know, but I think so. They sometimes seem to be like the apples on our stubbard-tree. Most of them splendid and sound – a few blighted.”
“Which do we live on – a splendid one or a blighted one?”
“A blighted one,” says Tess.
Times were different then for men and for women. And yet, what has really changed in a world where we still hunger for power? Where we cling-wrap our frozen hearts? I wonder if the painful irony of the tragically short life of Tess and the dark theme of Victim, sacrifice and patriarchal power will ever occur to the vacuous Anastasia Steele.
Teilhard de Chardin said: “someday, after mastering the winds, tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of sexual love. Then, for the second time in history, we shall have discovered fire!” When we naively make a pact with darkness, sign away our souls in the blood of our own arrogance, our addiction to the tyranny of superficial thrills, we will never know the exquisite heat of fire. Our soulful lives will inevitably be dappled with shadows – those parts of our psyches that we ignore or repress. And yet if we wish to live authentic lives we will have to give up our pretence of ignorance. We must be discerning about who – and what we allow into our world. We will have to pause to consider how our diet of thoughts, words and images may desensitise, dehumanise, rob us of our own fire. Instant gratification of an anonymous fuck leaves us starving for intimacy and lasting love. How our quest for power, the wicked games we play with one another, catapults us over the precipice of integrity, where we lie, redundant, in a wasteland of isolation.
Have we wandered so far into the Twilight Zone that we have forgotten the voices of those that stood in the sunlight with flowers in their hair? Has the hope, the idealism, the vision of a better world faded to Shades of Grey? Last word must go to Tess in her innocent naiveté: “A strong woman who recklessly throws away her strength, she is worse than a weak woman who has never had any strength to throw away.”
Do they still pay for submissions to Pseud’s Corner? Ker-ching!
Brilliant post!
Beautifully written and structured, I found myself captivated more by your writing than anything I’ve read lately. Thank you for sharing this poetic and poignant response.
I disagree wholeheartedly and LOVE the trilogy. Whilst she may not be in the ranks of Jane Eyre or Charlotte Bronte, she tells a captivating story between two people who are polar opposites that come together, intertwined, with all the complexities of an eccentric relationship. It’s a love story, with sex, suspense and mystery. This is why it is so popular, besides other obvious reasons: it involves BDSM and TPE. She brought, as some would say, the “underworld* of sex to the mass media, to mainstream society and made it feverishly intriguing to regular folk. According to many, the books have
re-ignited their love lives and caused a major stir in the bedroom! I love it!
I love those books by Jane Eyre – she was a great writer!
If the “underworld” of sex involves abusive relationships then maybe that’s where it should stay.
So that I don’t fall into the same trap of EL James, I ask you to read this post I already made which points out all the reasons why this Trilogy is only worthy of fodder for the pyre.
I have never once managed to get that Jami Gold link to open. It’s a pain in the arse, because I’d really like to read it.
@Bee: If you would like, I can get you the article, but you don’t give an email when you post, or I would just send it to you. It would help to know which of the three by Jami you cannot open.
Forgive me, the link I just gave was the wrong one, this one is correct.
I do not have an issue with the story – but the rubbish writing. There’s no way I could get to the story – I WAS JUST TOO BORED.
@ Melissa, thank you. However, I don’t acquaint domestic abuse or violence to TPE relationships, not when they are agreed upon by two consenting adults. I am well acquainted with it and fully aware of the expectations. Remember too, Fifty Shades of Grey is written from a woman’s perspective. Gosh, I find it so interesting why people are picking apart her books…but thankfully the majority think otherwise. Don’t underestimate someone’s experience in this “realm” of human sexuality. You’d be surprised how many readers were/are involved in Dom/Submissive relationships. I had a blog, ages ago, playfully titled, Four Point Restraints. :O)
I think you’re forgetting the fifth restraint for your brain. That’s the most important one if you are to truly enjoy a book like Fifty Shades.
The majority you speak of are apparently uneducated or haven’t spoken out, and the numbers of books being sold does not reflect those of us who actually found issue, whatever and whichever, and didn’t speak out.
Once again, it’s only a TPE if there is trust, and if you were reading the same books I did, you should have noticed how he manipulated her with sex to gain her consent, and that is part of the abuse. No one ever should be coerced by their partner into something because it’s convenient to the partner. If she was educated more on BDSM and TPE, then I would understand her wanting that, but it’s a very big decision she never made herself.
You might be aware, but that doesn’t change the presentation of the books, and it is based on this that so many people, including myself, see this trilogy for what it is, a misrepresentation of BDSM, TPE, and relationships in general.
That would be very kind, Melissa, thank you. The one about ethics interests me most, but I don’t think I can open any of that site. My email is bofbeejones@gmail.com.
What is TPE please?
“TPE” = “Total Power Exchange”.
Generally it means a relationship where the Dominant / Submissive dynamic is in operation all the time (not just during sex) – so the Dom is in charge of all decisions relating to the Sub, at all times.
Here’s the link to a Wiki page with more information –
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Master/slave_(BDSM)#Total_power_exchange
laughed all the way through this. hilarious x
The only thing that made all of the “oh my”s bearable was the fact that I read each and every one of them in George Takei’s voice!
That is simply brilliant!
Shelby, I loved this so much that I’ve just shared it on George Takei’s FB page. Thank you! x
Reblogged this on uniquechicgeek and commented:
Possibly the funniest blog post I’ve read this year. No need for me to write about Fifty Shades now, she seems to have summed it up well.
Very entertaining – your blog not that book; I feel conned and sucked in that I bought such a terrible book. Only managed to read half of it – that’s an evening of my life I’ll never get back! But you have made up for this a bit – hilarious!
“I may not agree with what you say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.” That being said, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is a book. A work of fiction. It was not written to impress you, to abide by your opinions, or to follow any guidelines. And while you may not think any of those things, which you have every right not to, your post may come off as a bit snooty. Are you going to write a blog based on every book you don’t like? Will people commission you to write more distasteful nonsense? I hope not. But if that’s what you want to do with your life, go right ahead.
I honestly think this is the first passive-aggressive response this post has had.
That said, I don’t see anything wrong with your opinion except to say that, like you feel this post might, your comment could also come off as snooty. (What a choice there, for some reason I hear it in a French accent.) That’s not bad, exactly, just unfortunate.
Awesome piece
and so much more entertaining than that stupid book. Brilliantly funny satirical. I hope you don’t mind that I had to share some of my favorites! Good luck and I plan on purchasing your latest.
The best review I have ever read. I’m going to buy your eBook right now. I have filmed a 40 second review of this book myself. Please watch it. http://youtu.be/iqrebIZJ3KA I think you will agree it’s accurate.
Even though I agree the trilogy is not a master piece, or wasn’t written in the best way (way too much grammar mistakes!) I manage to lose myself in the reading, trusting in the characters, and found believable that such girl like Ana could exists and behave that way, same with Christian…
I enjoy the review and found some fair points, some mistakes could be avoided by little research, but some of the points are actually too much… literature and fiction in general is not about true, is about you, as a reader, believing it could be true… knowing that you can imagine something like that happening.
The fact is that this sells way too much, and I’m pretty much lost in the reading… it keeping me wanting more, and that’s all I need: to enjoy some love story… I don’t need a heavy, existential master piece every time… sometimes I search for light, easygoing love-story that keep my troubled mind busy.
We can see why you don’t get this blog. Thanks for interjecting. By the way, if getting beaten and treated like a slut counts as an easy-going love story, I recommend smut films. It keeps the troubled mind busy.
I didn’t find it a ‘light easy going love story.’ Even if it had been well written, I found the subject matter disturbing, and if my mind was troubled, I think it would be a lot worse if I got engrossed with these characters.
I just think people have the right to enjoy their sex life as they please… someones likes to be beaten and fucked up, and they are happy about it… I don’t think that makes them sluts, Ana is not selling her body, there are feelings involve and she is happy, so who I am to judge her…? I just said I enjoy the book, not that it was the best book I ever read… Fifty Shades isn’t even hardcore sex!! People have to stop to be so judgmental. I just don’t see the sex parts as the most important thing and enjoy the love story behind…. that’s all!
So after reading this trilogy, you’re telling me I’m supposed to walk away from it thinking, “Oh, a rich man might find a sexually and socially naïve girl sexually coerce into a BDSM relationship where he will then mentally, sexually, emotionally, and in the beginning physically abuse her because she reminds him of his crack whore mother and he uses her to metaphorically punish his mother for dying of an overdose. That sounds realistic and even romantic, just a bit.”
Yeah, no, I don’t see myself, or anyone with sense, doing that.
The real problem, aside from the writing and the author’s tactics to getting money out of this fan fiction piece of shit, is that people think this is romance when it’s not. It should be seen for what it is—a series which sugar-coats abusive relationships as normal and acceptable, which is far from the truth.
If you want to enjoy a love story, try going for one that isn’t so deplorable.
Just bought and read your readers guide ebook today and it was brilliant, thank you:) Did you read 2 and 3 yet? (You said at the end that you would). I kinda feel like you, that I must finish since I started, but I don’t know if I can stand it Ana annoys me so much haha.
Yes, and you can find all three in the Amazon Kindle library for purchase, which will include much more to this list, as well as the same treatment of the other two.
You are awesome…just saw your “50 Things That Annoy Me…” blog for the first time; read it, LMAO’d and promptly ordered your ebook. What a great, great remedy for feeling duped by all the “You HAVE to read 50 Shades” commendations I got from friends. I bought the damn thing on Kindle and swallowed my doubts until, if memory serves me, it appeared about 50 pages in or so, thanks to sentence structure, that Christian Grey’s hair SPOKE. After that, it was a fast, slimy downhill slide. I can’t wait to get home and start reading your ebook. Applause! Applause!!!
I found the book on the App Store by accident I absolutely loved it first I red the books only the first two and afterwards I couldn’t read them anymore because I would laugh remembering what you wrote. People everyone is allowed to have an opinion about certain things doesn’t necessarily makes anyone bitter or jealous. Personally I don’t regret purchasing both books and am looking forward for the last one. And to be honest everything that she pointed out from fifty shades of grey and fifty shades darker, is completely true.
I really like what you guys are up too. Such clever work and reporting!
Keep up the amazing works guys I’ve you guys to our blogroll.
I’m glad that you’ve got a blog post that isn’t totally 100% “OMG THIS BOOK IS THE BEST”. You’re right by saying that there a lot of issues in the Fifty Shades novels, but I guess it’s also a guilty pleasure for a lot of folks – including me! 🙂
Ha! This was Hilarious! I found myself saying “What the hell?!” as I read it. Anastasia has no personality whatsoever. I’m pretty sure she has a note on her bathroom mirror that says: “call jose for your schedule for today”, because she obviously can’t do anything for herself. Watching paint dry is more interesting.
I wrote on the back of my book: Christian- mentally challenged CEO of idontgiveacrap incorporated, threatens Anastasia, practically rapes her after storming into her house. Anastasia: vocab. is limited to talking about hair and repeatedly saying ‘holy cow’ in response to sex.
Yeah… This book irks me. It’s like bad, overdone mommy porn starring an illiterate, clumsy girl, and a sexually disturbed, should-be-in-jail man.
They should have one of those surgeon general warnings on the side of the boon that’s says “warning: may kill brain cells.”
[…] finished the book because I don’t like to ditch anything half way. What I did enjoy was this post criticizing the book – it was hilarious. Cassandra Parkin nitpicks the heck out of Fifty Shades in her book […]
[…] finished the book because I don’t like to ditch anything half way. What I did enjoy was this post criticizing the book – it was hilarious. Cassandra Parkin nitpicks the heck out of Fifty Shades in her book […]
[…] finished the book because I don’t like to ditch anything half way. What I did enjoy was this post criticizing the book – it was hilarious. Cassandra Parkin nitpicks the heck out of Fifty Shades in her book […]
Hi would you be willing to watch the smash fifty shades of grey xxx adaption this is my company made this movie is being sued by el James I would send movie for free and would love your feed back
Hi Dan,
My husband has just informed me that I absolutely have to do this.
Happy to take a look. 🙂
BTW are you the people who did “The King’s Piece”?
Hahahaha “Oh my”… Great work this made me crack up 🙂
Laughing.. haha, yeah right, the book is fun to read, and yes i also fell in love with their lovestory (love christian grey), but i think the author has really weak vocabulary, and you can just see that the author loves the twilight books. hahaha..and the organization of events is weak.
and yes i also fell in love with their lovestory (love christian grey)
You fell in love with a relationship which glorifies abuse, and you also love the abuser: I’m sorry, but that is worrisome. It’s nice that you see the author’s other faults, but to find this fun to read, and then to approve of the worse portrayal of BDSM in literature that turned the relationship into the most romanticised domestic violence case in literature is almost as sickening as if you saw nothing wrong with any of this book.
Please take another look at the love story, and especially Christian Grey, because one is tragic and the other is a sociopath that no one could have helped.
you should add how christian and ana MUTTER EVERYTHING! that drove me crazy, the hang from his hips things just makes me cringe.
[…] resisted the urge to read any of the books – but I did come across a very funny blog post, 50 things that annoy me about 50 Shades of Grey, which had me laughing out […]
Your wonderful analysis is so much better than it’s subject. It saves many of us the mind-numbing agony, time and money of subjecting our intelligence to degradation by wading through them.
Listening to fingernails scrape across a blackboard would seem far more enjoyable.
Thank you for that 🙂
I am actually glad to read this webpage posts which consists of tons of valuable facts, thanks for providing these data.
why is it that people who didn’t write this set of books are so bitter about the success of them?
Because these books are a travesty. They mock BDSM, they mock domestic violence, and they are simply a fan fiction with the names changed, which mocks the ethics of fan fiction.
Don’t believe, look at the Mortal Instruments series of books. Those started as fan fiction many years ago, but even those who read the original can see how much was changed to make them their own story, independent of source, whereas with 50 Shades, you have to either be thick or dull not to see the connections to Twilight.
Alternate Universe or not, fan fiction should never be published, and it’s only by the grace of S. Meyer that these books have made so much money.
I suppose because it feels like the death of art.
When I heard about only hiring blondes, I was thinking,’Is Grey secretly Hitler?’ I actually think it may have been a far more interesting story if he was. Also, replace “romance” (Forgive my cynical snort) with “psychological thriller” and “dark comedy” it may be gold!
Christian Grey as Hitler would have been v funny. 🙂
HOLY COW! This is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever read, period. Especially considering you had me laughing all the way through, including my boyfriend, from the context you provided alone.
I have read half of the first, I’m either laughing or shaking my head.
You’re very kind – thank you! So pleased you liked it. 🙂
Incredible points. Outstanding arguments. Keep up the
good effort.
I just love your opinion on this literary abomination. I have down loaded your books on my ipad that pick this story to the core. I love shoving it in people’s faces when they say how “well written” they think these books are. you had me laughing with tears in my eyes the way you translated the dialogue. The entire time I was reading this book it was George Takei’s voice narrating. And you were right it was more enjoyable. keep up the good work!! Love your blog. You should do a blog/electronic book review when the movie comes out.
I couldn’t agree more. This book was misogynistic badly written and total rubbish. Wish I hadn’t wasted a perfectly good day on it.
[…] criticism rather than social criticism about 50 Shades of Grey, there is an author out there named Cassandra Parkin who wrote a complete, full length book criticizing 50 Shades of Grey, diving deep into the details […]
Loved your post and linked to it from an article I wrote about the social aspects of why I didn’t like the book… I’m inviting you to read it and tell me what you think! http://www.veronicakingsley.com/why-i-dont-like-50-shades-of-grey/
[…] to read the whole thing) is a good confidence boost (for example this brilliant and hilarious Fifty Things That Annoy Me About Fifty Shades of Grey article). I am definitely a better writer than E.L. […]
I agree for the most part, except the thing about the voice raising several octaves. There is such a thing as hyperbole, after all. Not every sentence in a book has to be literal.
Of course that still leaves us with 49 other problems in, what, like 2 chapters?
Oh, and another thing: There is actually a hardware store around here where, as far as I know, all the girls who work there are blonde. Other people have wondered if that’s on purpose too, so it’s not entirely weird for her to think something like that.
Yeah, the hair colour bit happens from time to time, but considering how much Ana was already analysing Christian before even meeting him made this one seem a bit strange, if that makes sense.
And yes, hyperbole is nice and all, but considering so much of the book is spoken in a very literally sense, it’s a tool I’m not even sure the author knows how to employ properly.
Reblogged this on meraki and commented:
This is hilarious – a great read.
I just got filler in my cheeks and I’m not supposed to smile for a few days. This article was painful in the best way possible.
“Your business is so lamentably over-staffed that any buyer would be able to instantly lay off at least half your workforce within a month of purchase with absolutely no consequences whatsoever – something which you (despite your apparently ruthless dedication to business success) have completely overlooked. Therefore, you’re an idiot.”
No, YOU’RE an idiot. I hate Christian Grey too, but what he MEANT was that he did not want 20,000 people to lose their jobs. That is why he kept them all employed even though he didn’t need them. He is compassionate, not an idiot.
“a. No, the reason you know the difference between a hawk and a handsaw is because they are absolutely nothing alike.”
She was referring to a TOOL known as a hawk, you moron: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hawk_(plasterer's_tool)
If you hate him so much, then why are you nitpicking this nitpicking (for humour’s sake) so bloody much?
And what’s the point in pointing out that a hawk is not only the name of a type of bird but a tool? The whole point is that Ana works in a hardware store, has for some time, and still knows little to nothing about tools and hardware. Clearly the saying has a point, and nitpicking at this only shows you clearly missed the point, by a long shot.
Kindly mind your own business. I was speaking to the author of this blog, not you.
Kindly remember that on the internet, nothing is exempt from commentary. Public site, comment section included, thus I can respond if I so choose.
Hilarious, I could not stop laughing, you got it spot on. You might like my fiction erotica ‘Feminist Revenge’, I promise you it is not full of mamby pamby rubbish 🙂
[…] some awesome projects as well as beauty) Winding Road Cassandra Parkin (if nothing else, read her 50 Things That Annoy Me about 50 Shades of Grey post, I dare you not to laugh) My Life Lived Full Eat Less Sugar, You’re Sweet Enough Fattie […]
[…] Blog – 50 things that annoy me about 50 Shades of Grey […]
Hello. I am currently reading this trilogy for the first time and I have to say you are right. I do enjoy the read but, some things just don’t make sense. Like, how her mother cannot make it to her graduation due to her husbands injury. But, four days later her mother and bob are picking her up from the airport and Bob is walking? What a fast recovery. There’s to many “Bella, Edward, twilight moments in this book that make me feel I stepped back into Forks, Washington with the Cullen’s. I’ve waited all these years to read this book and I’m a mix of feelings. I wish she would have been more original.
Boy what a sad life you must lead
[…] sci-fi stories that were out of the Hollywood norm being told! In fact, you may have read the poorly written or B.D.S.M. inaccurate book or film of Fifty Shades of Grey or the soapy & sappy Twilight […]
What you wrote is exactly what I thought when reading. More fun than the book. Great job!
I’d probably stick with the authors very genuine description about the novel at its back cover of the novel. I just fell in awe of it. This is actually a kind of novel you will always like to cling to as it not only introduces you to a wilder side of adult life but is a really addictive piece of literature which focuses on how an odd relationship which just had begun comes to an end suddenly leaving you in grief and at the moment very much dumbstruck. I think you should go for the purchase only if you are keen enough to give time to the reading. This is a very touching novel and of course it will obsess you and possess you do much that you’ll indulge in reading it all the time you. Even when you have nothing to do this novel will never leave your side. A verge where imagination and sensation meet. I’m so in love with Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. Go for the purchase ! Thumbs up !
Hi Cassandra. I have a hard time reading ‘Lighter Shades’, but good Lord, I enjoy trying. I probably would feel obligated to read the book my ex-fiancé keeps on her nightstand, but I have so much fun reading your work, I don’t want to.
I love your work and brag on it (particularly to obsequious tools opting to shack up with the physically abusive other ex), and just hope that when I am published my work doesn’t beg to be magnificently taken down a peg.
All my best 😅
Jonathan
When I first read the Trilogy, I tried to tell my friends this book was about an abusive relationship. I’ve been a sub and subs are not clueless or spineless. The Trilogy caused me nightmares because so many women feel this is a romance. I wish ELJames would have done some research. Christian is a psychopath, and a sexual sadist. He should scare all women, but for whatever reason, (and this makes me extremely depressed), women everywhere compare loving, adult relationships to the relationship btw Ana and Christian. I have also been abused. I found it comforting to know that of the women I know who have been abused, they do not see this series as anything but dangerous. I challenge anyone who thinks this relationship to be safe, sane, or consensual, which is the hallmark for BDSM, to let a man tell them what to wear, eat, do, and dictate who to spend time with. REALLY? The success of Fifty scares me to no end.If a DOM characterized himself as fifty shades of fucked up, a sub would run like hell! DOMS have to be even tempered and in control something Christian Grey can never be.
What a hoot. I personally did not read all of Grey but have read enough and seen enough to know this book by James is just crap, crap, crap. Yet, as a struggling author I ask myself, “Why does crap sell when so many other things that are aimed at making this world better, not sicker, fail?” The answer is as stated above – sex sells. I do love your take on this book and it’s literary (loose term here) merits or lack thereof. Very funny and well-written.
Thank you so much for using humor to point out grammatical, logical and all round writing mistakes here. And now for the good news: Harper Lee’s sequel to her book “To Kill a Mockingbird” is out and in bookstores in July 2015. Ah redemption of the literary arts. Thanks be to the justice of good art. Look for “Go Set a Watchman.”
Some critics are already taking it apart. Of course they are. Lee wrote when we knew there was more to people than their genitals and next orgasm. Lee was a proponent of social justice and thought art should make a statement and cause folks to critically thinking about our roles in bringing that justice about. She probably never thought that bare bottoms, whips, blindfolds and silly little “Oh my – look at the size of his…” was something that could offer avenue into the critical thought it takes to evolve as people. Silly lady, Ms. Lee. She wrote one of the best novels of all time. How did she do it without anyone using profanity, taking their clothes off or reporting daily on all the positions they can find their pleasure in?
Funny that.
[…] as I was trying to find the above reference to offer to you, reader, I happened upon a hilarious takedown of the book by Cassandra Parkin outlining the 50 things she found annoying about the book. […]
I am so bummed that the links to your book aren’t active any more! Were they only for sale in the UK? (I apologize if I just sound stupid this morning, we lost a family member and my brain is just broken)
I wrote more, but this discussion, about the books and now the movie, has just worn me down and broken my heart. Some of you wrote amazing things here in the comments, I am so grateful to and for you. @Evansic, you are a star, thank you for what you wrote. I hope so much that the people who seem to have shelled out something like $90,000,000 in the opening weekend of this thing will see your post and understand that yelling “You’re [usually spelled “your”] just PRUDE” is not a valid rebuttal to a post like yours. I miss heroic women, and then I look at my family and feel glad. But I know most people don’t have good support, and I worry again.
Sorry, really did not mean to get on a soap box, it has been a hard week for me and I have been knocked down too many times. I would like to find your book, so if anyone can help, please let me know. Thank you so much in advance.
(90 million dollars. I cant stop thinking how many meals that would buy for even the kids starving in Oklahoma City. Or that I need surgery and am poor, and how 25 thousand is such a teeny sliver of 90 million. When did priorities and things like respect just… go away?)
Thank you for the great post. How about you check out this little 50 SHADES OF OF UTTER NONSENSE post on http://www.deathbysecrets.blogspot.com
Really highlights a bad part of 50 Shades.
Hey there.
I love your post.
Do you have any intention of, uhmm, doing the same thing for Grey? It looks just as horrendous, if not even more.
If you think the hanging pants comments are bad wait until you funds out how many times she rolls her eyes!
I Could not get past the fact that he dominated women who reminded him of his crack whore mother. That he wanted to beat the heck out of women and even the woman he was supposedly interested in, Ana. That she stayed even after she realized this… why would anyone who isn’t totallyFUBAR emotionally have anything to do with this guy besides the money… geez, there ain’t enough money for me to put up with abuse. Not into it. I thought this book was going to be some light stuff with BDSM being just a “play” thing and not this crapfest book. It’s disturbing in so many ways. That so many women enjoyed this book (and men! OMG) and bought this drivel. Very crappy writing style, PL, characters… sigh
This article is full o fanal retentiveness and boredom.
Sorry about that. Would you like a refund?
[…] and took it back to the library! Possibly the best book-related blog post I’ve ever read is this one from Cassandra Parkin. I loved it so much I got the kindle app purely to read the series of […]